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July 29-Aug. 5: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · August 5th, 2009 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY JULY 29
If Mayor Mark Mallory isn’t an expert on streetcars after visiting Portland, Ore., last week, then Michael Jackson isn’t dead and Jeff Berding is respected by his peers. The Enquirer reported today that Mallory, fresh off a field trip to America’s leading producer of progressive mass transit and Indie rocker boners, said that if Cincinnati’s proposed anti-streetcar ballot measure passes that it will be an end to local mass transit — including commuter rail between Cincinnati and other dying Midwest towns Columbus and Cleveland  — forever. NAACP President Christopher Smitherman, a successful civic leader who largely moves around town by automobile, said he has friends in Portland who saw Mallory and City Manager Milton Dohoney riding bicycles even faster than the streetcar could go.

THURSDAY JULY 30
Those of us who are occasionally forced to apologize for things that we don’t actually regret understood the awkwardness that ensued today at White House Beerfest ’09 (although consuming the beer usually precedes our apology). Having accidentally caused an uproar over race in America, President Obama invited Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Cambridge, Mass., police Sgt. James Crowley over for a public demonstration of society’s most common assumption of cops and old black dudes: that they drink. The AP noted that Gates, a black man, chose Red Stripe beer; Crowley, a white man, picked Blue Moon; and Obama, who is the best of both races, drank Bud Light. The event went smoothly, with each man enjoying his beer and interracial conversation, though Obama later said that Joe Biden acted stupidly by eating all the cocktail peanuts.

FRIDAY JULY 31
If you ever had the shit scared out of you in elementary school by a police officer, a German shepherd and a Ziplock bag filled with basil, then you know how effective the DARE program was during the 1990s. The Enquirer reported today that the program, which effectively limits teenage drug use by impressing adolescents with cool cars and scaring them with horror stories of weed-induced paranoia (actually the most authentic part of the program), will be eliminated in 11 Clermont County schools next year.

Sheriff A.J. “Tim” Rodenberg said that all DARE programs will end by December but that his deputies will still be willing to perform fake arrests in order to teach kids lessons because it worked on several episodes of Home Improvement.

SATURDAY AUG. 1
Many Ohioans are against gambling due to its addictive nature and the hookers associated with it in Hollywood movies. But for every grandma in Delhi voting against casinos, there are three dudes in Mount Healthy betting quarters on which hole a dizzy rat will run into once it’s let out of its spinning cage. That’s why The Enquirer today took a break from reporting which celebrities shopped in the downtown T.J. Maxx store last week to investigate how easy it is for church festivals to make money off alcohol, gambling and mild animal cruelty. The four-part series, titled “If It’s For God It’s OK” revealed that annual church festivals are a reliable source of income that amounts to $12 million annually in the region. Adam Baumgartner, a Colerain resident and devout Catholic who cries every time he masturbates, said his favorite part of getting wasted at St. Ann’s is the car ride home when his girlfriend stops at White Castle and gets him a chack of sicken rings.

SUNDAY AUG. 2
CityBeat is an extremely progressive newspaper — have you seen the shit we let Maija Zummo write? And she’s a woman! Nevertheless, the occasional legal defense of someone pretending to be a doctor is nothing next to the cost of converting our building to solar power. Luckily, Ohio’s latest budget is attempting to put saving-the-earth-without-really-doing-anything-differently within our reach by making solar panel installation more affordable. The budget is following the model of cities like Berkeley, Calif., which has used municipal solar financing programs to pay for installation that can then be paid back in property taxes providing Democrats don’t raise taxes above the anti-freedom threshold (zero).

MONDAY AUG. 3
Americans are no dummies — we invented the entirely unpaid workforce and the internal combustion engine. Today’s American leaders have stumbled upon a similarly pioneering idea with the recently introduced “cash for clunkers” program, which many of America’s smartest consumers are taking advantage of. The AP reported today that people are trading in so many clunkers — defined by the White House as an automobile less than 25 years old that gets fewer than 18 miles per gallon and may or may not have a "No Lot Lizards" sticker on it — that the initial $1 billion investment is already used up. The program has already caused a spike in sales not seen since Camaros were cool, though Senate Republicans aren’t yet sold on investing $2 billion more because they’re afraid that if Barack Obama can get American car companies back on their feet that he’ll figure out a legal way to kill all the old people to save Medicaid.

TUESDAY AUG. 4
Are you tired of your recycling bin overfilling with beer cans and plastic tonic bottles? Do your neighbors judge you for the extra bag of glass bottles you put out on the curb every week? Well, too fucking bad you A-plus recycler! After voting to pass a $3.5 million recycling program out of committee Monday, Councilman Greg Harris said today that it’s a good program but it should wait until the city has a less massive budget deficit. This prompted Mayor Mallory to take the vote off Wednesday’s agenda and say that the program — which would provide new 65-gallon wheeled recycling carts, save more than $950,000 a year by eliminating four trucks and keep the city from looking like a bunch of conservative dickbags — will be revisited after budgetary decisions are made and Leslie Ghiz learns that bottles of Vitamin Water are recyclable.


E-MAIL YOUR NAME, ADDRESS AND SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER TO: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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