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Confused and Concerned in Goshen

By Maija Zummo · July 29th, 2009 · Dear Maija

Dear Maija,

I’m a 61-year-old woman who only uses the Internet to watch John Matarese’s helpful stories about that Spongebob show (he isn’t one of those gays, is he?), but some of the others (Monsters, Inc. and the one with the unionized penguins) are just offensive. I heard that 5-year-olds can sometimes confuse fantasy with reality, but sometimes I think some of these shows shows (and my granddaughter when she talks about birds) are purposely using metaphors that I don’t understand. Is it possible that my granddaughter knows more about the world than me or that these shows are socialist? Which would be worse?

— Confused and Concerned in Goshen

P.S.

I’m never letting her watch Wall-E again.


Wallllll-EEEEEEEE.

First of all, I don’t think Spongebob is gay. I think he makes out with that dyke-y squirrel that wears the space suit. And I think his friend, that giant starfish thing, is supposed to be retarded, which actually provides children with a positive paradigm on befriending people/echinoderms with disabilities.

But I think you’re right to be concerned about the Disney movies. The animators at Disney are perverts. They had to recall that 1970s movie about the Russian mice (Communists?) who rescue people because there was a topless human woman in the background of one of the scenes. And did you ever see the part in the Little Mermaid where the priest gets a boner? Or hear Aladdin when he tells all good girls to take their clothes off?

With a record like that even before the advent of Pixar, I can only imagine what sick high-tech subliminal sexual messages are in movies like Monsters, Inc. or Wall-E. Pretty soon our sons and daughters are going to want to have sex with robots (as if that isn’t already in our future). Instead of cartoons, turn on the 700 Club or make her watch that PBS special about Colony Collapse Disorder. Confronting her with the realities of the coming apocalypse will certainly put her in her place. We’ll see who knows more about the world then.

Also, no judgment, but do you think that’s Matarese’s real hair?
Maija


DID THE FACT THAT ALADDIN HAD NO NIPPLES FREAK YOU OUT AS A CHILD? TELL MAIJA ABOUT IT: dearmaija@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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