Penn National Gaming knows what kind of casino legislation is best for Ohioans — that’s why the company contributed millions of dollars to a campaign against last year’s pro-casino legislation and then beefed up its Lawrenceburg location to hold us over ’til next year. This year’s proposal is different (largely because it includes Penn National) and will be on the Nov. 3 ballot, according to The Enquirer. The developers of the four proposed casinos — Cincinnati’s would be at Broadway Commons, which is a collection of parking lots downtown that some believe would look much nicer with a
THURSDAY JULY 23
A wise man once said that he would never have sex with a woman unless he had $300 in the bank. That man was bummed today to learn that a state bill introduced this month would require a woman seeking an abortion to have more than the potential father’s checkbook with her before she has the procedure. The new bill, co-sponsored by five Cincinnati-area Republicans, would require either written consent from the father or a collection of paternity tests if the woman doesn’t know which of the recently banged dudes is the daddy. The bill is facing opposition from Planned Parenthood, which said it is just an attempt to make it more difficult to get a legal abortion and that instead of paying $1,400 for a paternity test many potential fathers will just sue United Dairy Farmers for not carrying condoms.
FRIDAY JULY 24
West-siders are largely considered to be one of the toughest groups of people in Cincinnati — what’s an East-sider gonna do? Take off his pink shirt and poke you with his BMW key? That’s why it was no surprise to read today that neighborhood activists in Westwood are considering seceding from Cincinnati.
Members of the Westwood Civic Association say the city doesn’t concern itself with the West Side’s needs and that they’d prefer to be residents of Cheviot (another neighborhood where you can get yourself kicked in the head quite easily). Hamilton County Commission President David Pepper said he would consider any secession as rebellion and that he’s not afraid to use his GPS system to find the Westwood Town Hall and back his car through the doors to send a message.
SATURDAY JULY 25
We at WWE! understand that race is still a contentious subject in America because we see the result of
slavery, segregation, redlining and racism the carelessness of black people every time we cut through Over-the-Rhine to score some flavored vodka martinis at a downtown bar. Last week even our nation’s black president had a difficult time broaching the subject of race and today had to fake-apologize for saying a white police officer acted stupidly by assuming that the only black person in a Massachusetts college town didn’t work at the university. President Obama today said he chose his words poorly, then he invited the entire Cambridge Police Department over to the White House for a beer and offered to give Dick Cheney’s Secret Service personnel a day off if they wanted to get a little drunk and fuck with him.
SUNDAY JULY 26
While the rest of us pinch pennies by mixing our whiskey with water instead of cola, others in our state are doing their part to help Ohio’s unbalanced budget by renewing the clever and fun vanity plates on their automobiles. According to The Repository, a poorly named newspaper in Canton, Ohio, there are currently more than 400,000 Ohio vehicles with vanity plates, which at $35 a year brings in $13.5 million. Plates like “OTHELLO” and “YESUCAN” allow drivers to prove they are both creative and wealthy, though requests such as “IGODEEP” and “12INCOK” must be denied due to the potential for double-meaning or blatant exaggeration.
MONDAY JULY 27
If your favorite part of a cheese coney isn’t the cheese and the chili, then you’re not a real Cincinnatian. Similarly, if you don’t think Pete Rose is the ultimate symbol of hard work, dedication and fortitude, then you’re kind of a dick. Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig today realized that he’s kind of been a dick to Rose since taking over for Bart Giamatti, who banned Rose for life for betting that the team he was managing would win the contest it was in. Selig, who once allowed the All-Star Game to end in a tie because he had tickets to see Grease On Ice, was reportedly swayed by recent support from some of the game’s most-recognized non-cheaters. Should he convince Selig that he deserves another chance, the Hit King will then have to prove to the veterans’ committee that he feels bad about stealing all Johnny Bench’s babes back when he drove a Porsche.
TUESDAY JULY 28
Those of us who were totally freaked out by The Enquirer’s recently created coyote tracking data center breathed a sigh of relief today when the paper reported that the widespread sightings it so thoroughly documented are actually not a threat to our pet cats and dogs. Although the data center showed widespread sightings of coyotes — which look and act like big ugly mistreated dogs — experts say the animals don’t usually harm healthy cats or dogs because, like predatory birds or Jeff Berding, it’s not their nature to attack something that can fight back.
E-MAIL YOUR STORIES OF UDF-INSPIRED ABSTINENCE TO: firstname.lastname@example.org