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July 15-21: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · July 22nd, 2009 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY JULY 15
Those of us who have already accepted that we’re going to hell if it exists are often annoyed by the common response of “God bless you” that occurs after we give homeless people money or buy their award-winning twice-monthly newspaper. Today one local politician took it upon himself to put the homeless in their place for mocking the fact that he too is going to hell if it exists. Jeff Berding’s new panhandling organization plan would require panhandlers to pay a registration fee, file taxes on their collections, only ask for money during specific hours and say “Sorry, sir” after each transaction. Berding later retracted the idea after the ACLU threatened a countersuit that would force city councilpersons to wear signs listing all the property they own and how much their haircuts cost.

THURSDAY JULY 16
When things get bad in Washington you can always count on a Republican to use thoughtful consideration of the issues American-flag-colored vehicles to work out a solution that’s good for the country. That’s why South Carolina Sen. Jim DeMint today loaded up his red, white and blue bus and took off on a book tour for his new anti-socialism release, Saving Freedom. The book warns of a socialist movement occurring so slowly that no one has noticed it, with consequences as dire as those seen in the 1993 movie Jurassic Park, which had a similarly foreshadowed plotline. DeMint says the movement began with FDR and the New Deal and if not stopped will continue until a female president cancels the military and we all die.

FRIDAY JULY 17
Normally when we at WWE! hear that a topic has “grave philosophical issues,” we click on the nearest banner advertisement to avoid reading about something we know nothing about.

But today’s AP story about human-animal hybrids had “FREAK!” written all over it. Senators Sam Brownback (R-Kansas) and Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) have introduced the Human-Animal Hybrid Prohibition Act of 2009 (S. 1435), banning the creation of part-human, part-animal creatures. The issue is controversial because scientists think they can cure diseases using hybrid research but politicians don’t want to get blamed if a centaur gets loose on a college campus. Brownback says that creating human-animal hybrids is a violation of human dignity and that considering the size of a centaur’s horse penis is extremely inappropriate.

SATURDAY JULY 18
Californians have always been considered forward thinkers: From the 1960s counter culture to the state’s recent decision to legalize gay marriage and then ban it to collect both marriage and divorce revenues, the Golden State is known to be progressive. That’s why it was no surprise to learn today that California lawmakers are considering taxing the state’s medical marijuana dispensaries to help offset its massive budget deficits. Advocates say that legalizing the weed would lead to billions of dollars worth of indirect sales through the distribution of edible pot products, selling of paraphernalia and increased tourism from Oregon, though opponents note that the economies of more conservative parts of the state could be harmed when no one goes to their Taco Bells anymore.

SUNDAY JULY 19
Banning gambling in Ohio has helped limit our residents to spending only $1.4 billion a year gambling in other states (and helped keep local scratch-off lotto vendors in business). But new revenue projections by pro-casino organizers suggest that adding video slots at racetracks and legalizing four new casinos — one in Cincinnati where our baseball stadium should be — could make Ohio the No. 3 gambling state in America behind Nevada and New Jersey with gambling revenues nearing $3 billion by 2013. Analysts believe that while slots generally cut into casinos’ revenues that Ohio has enough gambling interest for the racetracks to affect new casinos only in the way that putting Ford Trucks on stage with Toby Keith hurt his credibility in this market (very slightly).

MONDAY JULY 20
If you’ve ever heard Bill Cunningham’s radio show on 700 WLW, you’ve probably also wondered if you could kick his ass in a fight. That might not be the case — rumor suggests he used to box and his sharp little teeth could bite you — but another WLW personality is about to throw down. Talk show host and lawyer Eric Deters will fight Kenton County Police Sgt. Larry Shelton next month, after Deters talked mass shit on the air and Shelton said, “OK, I’ll whoop your ass.” The cage fight will take place in Lawrenceburg and benefit the Make-A-Wish Foundation, the Rich Franklin Disabled Veterans Fund and anyone who thinks either of these guys is a dick.

TUESDAY JULY 21
Indian astrologers today warned of violence and turmoil beginning Wednesday morning when a solar eclipse is scheduled to cause all sorts of doom in Southeast Asia. The eclipse is of concern to several nations superstitious about the moon’s motive in blocking the sun and untrusting of what their teenagers will smash during the temporary darkness. Sanal Edamaruku, president of the Indian Rationalist Association, said the astrologers are just scaring everyone in order to boost hits on their Web sites just like E! did by putting Joan Rivers on TV.


E-MAIL DRAWINGS OF (CLOTHED) CENTAURS: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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