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Lonely & Employed and Concerned in Camp Washington

By Maija Zummo · July 15th, 2009 · Dear Maija

Dear Maija,
I am a 30-year-old man with a decent job (almost six figures) and I’m interested in a woman at work. She’s about my age (maybe just a bit younger!) and we have a great work relationship. The thing is, this other dude just got run right out of the company for slapping a different woman on the ass after giving her some instructions. I’m not going to do anything like that, but there are harassment laws everywhere. Can you give me some advice on how to ask her out appropriately?

— Lonely and Employed in Loveland

Here’s something to know about women: They only call it sexual harassment if they don’t like it. And they only “don’t like it” if the person slapping their ass is unattractive or poor. Sure, there are some other things that go into it, I guess, but it mostly comes down to whether or not she wants your hairy body sweating on top of her or if you can afford to feed her. So if you’re not unattractive, then ask/slap away. If you are, that’s OK, because, to be honest, six figures is as good a reason as any to go out with a guy in today’s economy.

Surveys show that ugly dudes with money are more desirable to women than yogurt that’s flavored like a high-calorie dessert, Swiffer Wet Jets and some seasons of America’s Next Top Model. Or you could go old school and just leave a note on her desk that says “Check yes, no or maybe.”

I’m single and hungry,

Dear Maija,
My fiancé told me a while ago that he’s bisexual, and it never really bothered me because I look like the girl in Charlie’s Angels (the dead one : ( ). A few weekends ago we were in Northside getting coffee and some energy-efficient light bulbs and the gay pride festival was going on. Well, that fool starting talking to some guy in a T-shirt that said “Morningwood Basketball” and I was like WTF? I don’t mind dealing with this once a year, but I’m worried that those festivals might start happening more often or that Ohio will allow same-sex marriage before I die. Do you think something like that would tempt him to leave me if I start to look like one of the brown-haired girls from the show?

— Concerned in Camp Washington

“Morningwood Basketball?” I’m also all like WTF. What’s up with shitty T-shirt slogans? And what’s up with a.m. boners? I know that men are supposed to think about sex every seven seconds, but even when they’re asleep? Like every single night it’s just sex dream after sex dream? My dreams rarely — RARELY — feature assorted celebrities like Philip Seymour Hoffman doing it to me (I think he’s handsome). It’s usually like all of a sudden I can fly and then I’m with my third grade teacher and then one of my teeth falls out. I wonder if there’s a way you can find out what/whom he’s dreaming about, like Fantastic Voyage for boners. If it’s dudes, l’d leave him. Free to be you and me, you know? If it’s other chicks, I’d still leave him. Fuck that. But for the time being, do yourself a favor and don’t take your twink fiance to see Bruno. That movie has more talking pee holes, anal sex scenes and pedal-powered dildo machines than bear night at a leather bar, an Elton John Oscar party and the male cast of Dancing with the Stars combined.

Bruno sucks. I seriously hated it,



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