You know the economy is in bad shape when rich people start tightening up the purse strings (though we don’t really feel it ourselves until the money stops trickling down to us). The Enquirer reported today that the Village of Indian Hill, known for its lavish estates and for never having interstates constructed through its lush wilderness, has decided to postpone $1.2 million worth of capital projects and freeze $500,000 in its operating budget due to predicted shortfalls during the next two years. Among the cuts this year are a $500,000 annual road-paving program, $130,000 in improvements to a nature preserve and the $50,000 it takes to clean up Peter Frampton’s vandalized yard every time he publicly endorses a Democrat.
THURSDAY JULY 9
When a public official continues serving his or her constituents into an eighth decade of existence, you pretty much have to give them attention. That’s why the AP today reported that 70-year-old Canton City Councilwoman Mary Cirelli suggested that the city use its indecency law to prosecute people wearing low-riding pants, which often offend old people by showing them a detailed view of what their own asses once looked like. Cirelli says that low-riding pants, a common fashion among young people and Rap-music enthusiasts, have the potential to expose bare rear-ends, which is ruder than skateboarders and loud music combined. The city’s law director told Cirelli that he’ll consider the complaint and then shook his head and said that he wouldn’t.
FRIDAY JULY 10
Back at Northwest High School, it was commonly understood that neighboring Winton Woods High stole our black students for its football team and Colerain High took our smart white students to increase its No Child Left Behind score
SATURDAY JULY 11
The dude who got Sarah Palin’s daughter pregnant said today that he heard Palin several times telling people she was going to quit politics and make mass money off book deals and reality shows. Word?
SUNDAY JULY 12
An interesting trend has developed among people who only recently understood the financial reality of
clicking “yes” to every student loan offered during six years of college an economy based on continuous construction and home sales. The AP today reported that debt-related stress was actually 12 percent lower this year than in 2008 even though unemployment is still rising, savings are gone and Barack Obama keeps having meetings with America’s enemies. Research psychologists who analyzed the survey say there is a general sense of optimism among people who believe the recession’s low point has passed and that not spending money on stupid shit is a good way to save it. The survey warned, however, that there is still a small segment of the population stressed out about whether or not Joe the Plumber will ever get his own business.
MONDAY JULY 13
Anyone who’s ever seen a Critical Mass bike ride knows what it would look like if hundreds of homeless people were given free bicycles to cruise around the city. That’s exactly what homeless activists in Chattanooga, Tenn., have asked for with the implementation of a new plan to provide bicycles for the city’s 400-500 people who are homeless or sleeping in shelters every night. The program is a means for empowering homeless individuals because most people who don’t have a home also do not have cars, which makes it difficult to get to potential jobs on time. A spokesperson for the Chattanooga Community Kitchen said that although he expects to have as many homeless on bikes as would typically show up to a Critical Mass in San Francisco that he expects them to rarely ride in packs and to generally be less dickish.
TUESDAY JULY 14
The Enquirer today continued its coverage of “Rock Attack 2009” by comparing this year’s incident to the second worst outcome of a kid throwing a rock during the last 30 years. A corresponding investigative report by the normally not-so-thorough newspaper found that the teenagers who perpetuated the rockthrow had actually thrown many rocks at cars that day, though they only managed to severely injure the one person, largely due to their lack of killer instinct and bad aim. Enquirer editors are planning to submit the “Rock Attack” series to the Pulitzer Prize committee unless a more engaging story about teenagers doing something stupid unfolds by the end of the year.
Want to call DANNY CROSS a sexist?: firstname.lastname@example.org