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Sober and Sad in Northside

By Maija Zummo · July 8th, 2009 · Dear Maija

Dear Maija,
My friends and I recently spent an entire Saturday drinking Coors Light and whacking golf balls against a rental property. This week we found out that the owners of Coors are super-dick Republicans who support awful political causes (I don’t know what kind of run-in Pete Coors ever had with the gay community, but boy is he uncomfortable with it). We tried drinking Keystone Light but then we found out that’s made by Coors, and Miller Lite cans have no way of proving they’re cold like the Coors ones. How are we supposed to get wasted without feeling guilty?
— Sober and Sad in Northside

If the people who make Coors Light are “super-dick” Republicans like you say, then why do the mountains on the label turn blue instead of red when they get cold? And are you sure you’re not a Republican?

My dad is a Republican (he has an autographed photo of John McCain hanging in his kitchen) and he loves golf balls. Seriously. Every year for his birthday, Christmas or Father’s Day we just get him a pack of like a dozen Titleist golf balls. He loves it because he loves golf even more than silk ties.

And, not to get all Jeff Foxworthy on you, but, “If you can waste an entire day whacking golf balls around, you might be a Republican.” On the other hand, if you get that Jeff Foxworthy reference, you’re probably poor and therefore not a Republican.

If you’re asking yourself whether or not I’m poor because I know about those redneck “jokes” too, I’m not. But I choose to be aware of poor people, which is why I’m qualified to give this advice.

So what I really think you’re asking here, Sober and Sad, is how you can get drunk on a budget and still support gay rights. And that's a very good question.

Judging from the fact that you were drinking shitty beer and playing with sports equipment, I’m going to guess that you’re male. And if you're a male who enjoys playing with balls and who lives in Northside, stop hanging out at your rental property and go to Bronz. The homosexuals will buy you several imported beers because they have beer standards, and the money they spend on you will directly benefit the gay community and thwart the anti-gay agenda of those asshole Republicans. Problem solved.

I’m drunk right now,

Dear Maija,
I am looking for impartial advice. I’m about to get married to this guy who I think will be a good husband and make a decent living once he finishes graduate school. His mother-in-law was in charge of our rehearsal dinner, but she’s from the West Side and thought it would be cute to have Price Hill Chili cater the event. We’re not stuck up or anything (we go down to the Hofbrauhaus and dance on the tables all the time) but I had to tell her that shit was off. Now she’s all pissed and threatening to not come to the wedding. I can’t tell how much my fiancé cares — should I be worried?
— Emotionless in Evanston

Here’s my advice, Emotionless: Don’t get involved with dudes from the West Side. They all come from weird Catholic families with like seven kids and they all had to share rooms with their brothers and stuff.

The day after you get married your mother in law is going to replace your birth control pills with sugar pills and he’s going to start talking about the rhythm method and how you’re going to have as many kids as Jesus wants you to have. That’s how you wind up with seven West Side, chili-eating, football-playing sons of your own, all of whom have to sleep in bunk beds because your husband will let you buy only a three-bedroom house.

Take a stand now. If she won’t go to the wedding because you won’t let Price Hill Chili cater the rehearsal dinner (which, by the way, is a ridiculous statement because Price Hill Chili is delicious), don’t let them cater. Cut that cord while you have the chance. There’s nothing creepier than the bond between a West Side boy and his mama.

I’m very stuck up,



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