WEDNESDAY JULY 1
California lawmakers couldn’t get their budget balanced by the Tuesday night deadline, which left Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger in a predicament today when he couldn’t get a hold of his parents in time to borrow the money to put up the state’s $24.3 billion deficit. The result was the state controller preparing to issue IOUs, a move that analysts say ranks in administrative embarrassment with the state’s recent gay marriage flip-flop and the Oakland Raiders professional football franchise. Schwarzenegger told reporters that the legislature’s failure to reduce the deficit will lead to a bigger crisis, one the he is not willing to take his shirt off to solve unless state Democrats admit that they approached the issue like a bunch of pansies.
THURSDAY JULY 2
When times get tough for Americans, one industry that suffers worse than most is that of the sit-down restaurant business — who really wants to pay a 15-percent tip when you can just get your Bloomin’ Onion to go? Today local fast-food chain McDonald’s (you know there’s one near your house) gave consumers an alternative to bringing home expensive sandwiches from casual restaurants by releasing a line of inexpensive burgers that don’t suck as bad as its regular ones. Priced at about $4 each, the new one-third-pound Angus burgers will come in three varieties, offering the value of Mickey-D’s without the potential for barfing generally associated with the Big Mac and Quarter Pounder. Spokeswoman Danya Proud said the burgers have been market-tested in Ohio, New York and California and the general consensus is that they are fucking awesome.
FRIDAY JULY 3
Depending on a person’s perspective, Cincinnati’s riverfront is either a decades-long, taxpayer-funded mess of theoretically cool but really kind of tacky architecture or a really convenient way to cut from I-75 over to I-71 in a car.
Today The Enquirer described another aspect of the riverfront that in any other city would be properly utilized: a six-year-old, $23 million transit center with few buses and no train tracks installed. “This is one of the worst government boondoggles I’ve ever seen — and I’ve seen plenty,” said former U.S. Rep. and Cincinnati Mayor Tom Luken, who once accidentally voted “Yes” to funding a Bill Clinton information-gathering trip to New Orleans during Mardi Gras. Metro officials say it’s not their fault and that the transit center will eventually be needed when people get tired of looking for their cars in the giant Banks parking garage and just decide to take the bus home.
SATURDAY JULY 4
While some of us were celebrating our nation’s independence from those oppressing assholes in England, others were on the Internet reading stories about people drawing dicks on TVs at local electronics stores. The Enquirer was to thank for today’s edition of “it’s news if a dumbass reporter thinks it’s funny” (Worst Week Ever! is CityBeat’s version), which today consisted of a story about a local 20-year-old drawing a foot-long cock on a 46-inch TV, ruining it for sale to anyone but the most well-endowed local TV enthusiasts. The majority of the humor lies in
the assumed idiocy of the reporter and editors who worked on the story the story’s focus on the size of the cartoon dick, which was noted in the headline: “Big graffiti ruins big TV.” The big news was not expected to affect any of the massive decisions regarding The Enquirer’s huge upcoming week when it would again announce extensive layoffs.
SUNDAY JULY 5
There are a lot of things people can say about former model/public servant/soccer mom/maverick Sarah Palin, but before last week calling her a complete and total failure wasn’t one of them. But a report out of the AP today suggested that Palin’s decision to quit being the governor of Alaska more than a year before her term ends wasn’t just to spend more time shooting animals with her sinning children — it was because her work as Alaska’s governor was the equivalent of sucking balls by someone who wasn’t supposed to be sucking balls. Palin, according to the story, is facing several ethics complaints, all kinds of crap from state Democrats and a potential veto override of her ideological rejection of federal stimulus funds. Analysts have speculated that Palin is gearing up for a 2012 presidential run, but others say she's very pretty.
MONDAY JULY 6
Those of us who have frequented West Chester in the past to purchase geometrically shaped light fixtures or to pick up a friend whose rich parents were pissing her off know how welcoming the township can be. That’s why we were surprised today to hear that leaders in West Chester — the Greater Cincinnati area’s known haven for Soft Rock enthusiasts — are considering converting the township into a city. City conversion would mean that West Chester would get some type of city council and a mayor, along with the zoning power to decide which chain restaurants are allowed to expand within the city limits (TGI Friday’s) and which ones promote lifestyles that aren’t in tune with the city’s social beliefs (Hard Rock Café). It would also mean the ability to impose a 1 percent income tax, which critics say will upset members of the Cincinnati Tea Party because they’ve never had to protest in their own neighborhood before.
TUESDAY JULY 7
Michael Jackson’s body was buried in the earth today.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: email@example.com