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Jealous in Hyde Park, Burning Downtown

By Maija Zummo · July 1st, 2009 · Dear Maija
Tags: herpes, STDs, gay
Dear Maija,

I’m a young professional man, and I have a best friend who is a woman. She’s also a young professional, and we’ve known each other since high school when we were the only students in the smart classes who smoked weed. We often enjoy eating sushi and shopping for fixtures that are very geometric in their look, so things are good between us.

But here’s the thing: She just started dating this guy who I think is a total dick (he’s always using words like “precocious” and “usurious”). I’ve felt very jealous of her new relationship and now think that maybe I like my best friend, like, more than a friend. What should I do?

Jealous Young Professional, Hyde Park

Stop shopping for home decor with her. She probably thinks you’re gay.

End of discussion,
— Maija

Dear Maija,

I have herpes and I hate it.

I’m very good looking, and men always hit on me, but I feel as though I shouldn’t go home with them because they might get herpes from me and then get pissed about it.

I’ve thought about trying to get someone to emotionally rely on me enough that I could tell him the truth and then take those drugs they advertise on TV and just try not to give him herpes, but what if I get sick of his neediness?

— Rock and a Burny Place, Downtown

Don’t take yourself so seriously. Some people (you, condom companies, etc.) act like STDs aren’t a joke, but the truth is they are — all of them except AIDS, which isn’t funny. Another joke is that most guys in Cincinnati already have herpes. I’d say that one out of four guys you meet at a bar, especially a bar downtown, will have herpes. So you have a one in four chance of sleeping with someone who’s already infected, which cancels itself out. You and this new herpes-riddled suitor could even laugh about each other’s outbreaks and playfully make fun of each other’s genital sores. (I told you STDs were funny!)

But if you aren’t a gambling sort of woman, I’d suggest either a) getting a Valtrex prescription or b) stealing an orange pill bottle and writing “Valtrex” on it. Then the next time you’re at a bar trying to lure some muscled hottie in light-colored jeans back to your place, just “accidentally” drop the Valtrex bottle out of your purse. When it falls on the ground — if the guy’s a gentleman — he’ll pick it up, and because he’s a human he’ll also read the label. Once this happens, he’ll either say something like, “Ha ha, I take that too,” or he’ll call you a skank and walk away. If he does the latter, find some other dude and pull the same trick.

Eventually you’re going to find a guy who looks at the bottle and makes the following positive conclusions about you: 1) you’re easy, 2) you have herpes and 3) you care about managing your outbreaks, which he’ll see as both responsible and attractive. So my advice is to stop bitching about your weeping sores, get a Valtrex prescription and start going to downtown bars. Even if you don’t find the right guy with herpes, there’s still a 50 percent chance you’ll get roofied. Either way you’ll get laid.

I’m clean,
— Maija




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