Getting kicked off a high school soccer team in America is easy — all you have to do is skip a couple two-a-days or pull the ’ol wheelie kick into the wrong goal during practice. The AP today reported that in Iran it’s even easier to get kicked off the national team, as several players have been officially “retired” by the state after wearing green wristbands in support of opposition leader Mir Hossain Mousavi. The seven players who wore the wrist bands during the first half of a World Cup qualifying match against South Korea are now all looking for new jobs, though they won’t have to make any new plans for next year’s World Cup because Iran didn’t qualify anyway.
THURSDAY JUNE 25
Those of us who today received frantic text messages reading the likes of “MJ died today … FUCK!” were surprised and relieved to find out later that basketball legend Michael Jordan was, in fact, alive and well. The news wasn’t so great for Pop icon Michael Jackson, who died suddenly at his Los Angeles home at age 50 and received hours of TV news tributes, tweets and descriptions of his “troubled” life in his honor. Cable news is largely considered to have failed in its attempt to honor Jackson’s work — most people think CNN’s montage set to “Black or White” was fairly inappropriate — though most believe Wolf Blitzer was being serious when he said he would never moonwalk again.
FRIDAY JUNE 26
“Praise God,” the official at the Creation Museum told the tour group, “you dumbass scientists had nothing else to do today.” The Enquirer today reported that a group of 80 paleontologists from a convention at the University of Cincinnati took a break from discussing the latest findings in a scientific community that has
already pretty much figured out where the world came from dedicated its existence to studying and supporting evolution in order to visit a museum built specifically to disprove evolution and make scientists lose their jobs.
The scientists were impressed by the professionalism and grand scale of the museum but generally agreed that constructing the T-Rex’s testicles to scale was a little too far.
SATURDAY JUNE 27
If there’s anything that sucks more than high taxes and the ShamWow guy, it’s people being so blinded by the sun’s harmful UV rays that they don’t see how cap-and-trade plans won’t work. That’s why nearly 100 people today gathered at Fountain Square to protest Rep. Steve Driehaus being one of 219 such dumbasses who last week passed President Obama’s American Clean Energy and Security Act. Minority Leader John Boehner, who curses a lot for a guy whose last name is slang for an erect penis, called the bill "a piece of shit" and then swore that the humidity is going to get worse before it gets any better regardless of clean energy.
SUNDAY JUNE 28
The Louisville Courier-Journal today reported that a Kentucky college student with a fake-sounding name last August was kicked out of a Central Kentucky mall for wearing a short dress she'd bought at that same mall the day before. Now 20-year-old Kymberly Clem is suing a commenter on the original arrest story because the post by “l2bme” falsely stated that Clem was kicked out of the mall for exposing herself to people rather than her defense that Forever 21 is obviously a store for adults. Clem has since sued for defamation and subpoenaed the newspaper to find out who it is that l’s 2 b himself or herself so much.
MONDAY JUNE 29
There are times when being a young white man is pretty difficult — trying to buy blueberry vodka in a liquor store that isn’t The Party Source is one of these times. The Supreme Court today took a major step in affording white people the same rights we had at the start of this great nation — to accept promotions because no minority candidates
were allowed to apply scored high enough on the test. The 5-4 ruling in “White New Haven Firefighters vs. White Connecticut Legislators” overturned an earlier court ruling that allowed the city of New Haven to create a new firefighter promotion test for fear of lawsuit via ACLU if it promoted the white guys. Writing for the majority, Justice Anthony M. Kennedy said, “Reverse discrimination, while not all that likely or unfair, still is discrimination even if most of us didn’t know there were black people in Connecticut.”
TUESDAY JUNE 30
If you drink gin & tonic like it’s your second job (and hating your regular job makes you work extra hard at the second one), you might be surprised and relieved to learn that alcohol isn’t the leading cause of liver failure in the U.S. — it’s acetaminophen. Those who enjoy the convenience of over-the-counter pain-reliever/ fever-reducing drugs breathed a sigh of relief today when 35 experts met and decided that Nyquil, the sniffling, sneezing, drink-two-bottles-so-you-can-swim-through-the-walls medicine, should not be pulled from the shelves. The government panel did vote to take prescription drugs that combine acetaminophen with other painkilling ingredients off the market because they get people so F’d up that they don’t reduce the dosage even after they start seeing aliens.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org