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June 17-23: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · June 24th, 2009 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY JUNE 17  

Americans understand that there are times when you just have to do what’s right — we’ve all known someone who stepped up and helped an old lady cross the street or gave Ken Broo directions to the nearest Chipotle at some point in time. Barack Obama made a similar gesture today by extending benefits to same-sex partners of federal employees. While the move was seen as progress by some gay-rights supporters, others accused Obama of reacting to powerful gay fundraisers threatening to boycott Thursday’s Democratic National Committee event where Joe Biden was going to speak and only doing it because the last time gay people pissed off Biden he took his wig off and made a huge scene.

THURSDAY JUNE 18  

Those of us who enjoy going online and looking at pictures of women with big ta-tas were bummed today to see that Enquirer editors took down the Party at Sawyer Point slideshow and put up some heavy stuff about a baseball game honoring the Civil Rights Movement. But then we accidentally clicked on it and realized that it wasn’t a story about African Americans’ unfair, decades-long banishment or their significance to the history of the game but instead a report on how many celebrities were going to be in town for the weekend and what hot spots they might hang out at. We then spent the weekend hiding in a bush outside of Bang trying to see Bill Clinton or Paris Hilton until Nick Lachey came by and kicked us out of our spot.

FRIDAY JUNE 19

Iran continued to be in the news today.

SATURDAY JUNE 20  

Anyone who’s ever eaten vegan cheese knows that liberals can be pretty serious about practicing what they preach.

The AP reported today that two Vermont farmers have taken self-congratulatory dieting eco-friendly food consumption to the next level by changing their cows’ diet to reduce the amount of greenhouse gas they produce. According to the story, adding flaxseed, alfalfa and grasses high in Omega 3 fatty acids to the cows’ diet reduces the amount of times the animals burp, which is the dairy industry’s biggest greenhouse gas contributor (it’s not what comes out of the other end — that’s a myth perpetrated by the liberal media and children). The farmers have so far reduced their cows’ belches by 13 percent, though they admit that a majority of the reduction could have come from the one cow that likes the taste of Pepto-Bismol.  

SUNDAY JUNE 21  

We at WWE! have always thought it’s kind of weird to see cops riding horses in the city because cities are really loud and horses poop on the ground. But that’s nothing compared to seeing a cop dressed as a robot and motoring around on a two-wheeled scooter and not arresting anyone. The Enquirer reported today that Segways are becoming a popular tool of Cincinnati police officers, who use them to move around town at 12 miles-per-hour and stand an extra foot tall. Although police don’t actually chase bad guys using the Segways — for similar reasons that Wile E. Coyote never tried to chase Roadrunner down curvy roads — the scooters are successful in increasing the visibility of officers, which is important in demonstrating a presence in the community and much less complicated than the wooden signs and fake-painted tunnels that Roadrunner used.

MONDAY JUNE 22  

It is commonly understood that the Enquirer is a fairly unreliable source of thoughtful investigation of the socioeconomic forces behind inner-city crime (its 2001 front-page headline “Fucking Shit Man!” is now largely considered to have been inappropriate). Today the paper did the right thing by turning to an organization known for such expertise — a personal finance and consumer Web site called walletpop.com — for details on how Over-the-Rhine is the least insurable most dangerous neighborhood in the country. According to the report, there is a 1 in 4 chance of being stabbed in the neck if you live on Vine Street for a year and a 1 in 8 chance of having your head chopped off while visiting Park Vine on any given day. The Enquirer promises to update the story with information on economic depravation, social disorganization and absence of community controls if any turns up on Twitter.

TUESDAY JUNE 23  

The most common result of pulling a slot machine is the sad ringing of “Wah! Wahh! Wahhh!” And that’s exactly what proponents of horseracing and boring gambling games heard today when a Kentucky state Senate committee voted 10-5 against a bill that would have allowed video gambling at eight racetracks. The vote is a significant blow to the state’s school construction budget, the future of Turfway Park and the “F Ohio in the B” campaign launched in early 2007, which gambling supporters say will be renamed by River Downs “F Kentucky in the Ear Right Here” if Ohio passes its proposed gaming legislation this fall.


CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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