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June 10-16: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · June 17th, 2009 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY JUNE 10

People from the Midwest already know how liberal Californians are — we hear all about their medical marijuana and interracial relationships on the news. But San Francisco is about to take it to the next level this fall with the strictest recycling rules this side of the Atlantic. The city’s newly approved recycling system will involve three color-coded bins (one more than other progressive cities, two more than most places in Ohio): one for trash, one for recyclables and one for something called “composting,” with fines to be levied against anyone too lazy or stupid to keep them straight. Mayor Gavin Newsom said the new ordinance will help the city cut its greenhouse gas emissions and reduce landfill use and that any garbage left over will be delivered to Haight Street for hippies to make art out of.

THURSDAY JUNE 11

There are times in life when something bad happens but leads to a really good break, like when you go inside an apartment because you need to puke and then your friends get arrested outside for shooting guns into the air. Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee is currently taking advantage of such a fortuitous situation, as the unemployed former presidential candidate today in Iowa said Republicans are gravitating too much toward the left and that if he had actually won an election in 2008 that he wouldn’t be selling out the party like that. Huckabee said that left-leaning Republicans are getting too close to the “mushy middle” of the political discourse by giving in to Democrats, but one aid later said he was misquoted and actually just talking about a smashed cheese danish he left in his suit jacket all afternoon.

FRIDAY JUNE 12

We at WWE! partake in our share of vices — we appreciate a strong cocktail and don’t complain if a legal body rub gets a little personal — but one thing we don’t do around here is smoke cigarettes.

The AP reported today that new legislation will make it even harder for cigarette companies to try to get us to start, as the FDA will soon regulate many aspects of cigarette production and distribution. Among the new rules are really big warning labels on packages, limits on point-of-sale advertising and a ban on flavored cigarettes of any kind. Barack Obama commended the legislation and said he would sign it as soon as possible, though when asked he acted like he didn’t know that people who buy flavored cigarettes actually take out all the tobacco and fill them with weed.

SATURDAY JUNE 13

Marketing can do wonders for a product, as evidenced by the continued production of half-SUV, half-trucks and super-lifelike monkey dolls that cost $150. The Enquirer reported today that the city of Cincinnati is doing a little marketing of its own, calling on a local design firm to make word “Cincinnati” look more inviting than its residents might actually be. The new logo — a lowercase “city of cincinnati” with a colorful, swirly “c” — was created by local firm Leadership Brands, which also made logos for Hershey’s, a chocolate company that no longer uses real cocoa, and Pringles, which recently argued in court that it wasn’t a potato chip. The Chamber of Commerce is excited about pitching potential visitors on a city that is “extremely lively, tolerant and never had riots or Marge Schott living here.”

SUNDAY JUNE 14

Art museums largely get an unfair rap in pop culture — the Art Institute of Chicago scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off was by far the most boring of the whole movie. But according to a story in USA Today, many art museums are using non-art programming like pop-culture trivia and movie nights to make their spaces and art relevant to people who aren’t only there to skip school. The idea is to attract young professionals — who unlike their parents prefer flat-screen TVs to paintings and potluck dinners to outdoor food festivals — by offering booze and a semi-formal space for socializing. Organizers believe they can either convince the YPs to like the art over time or get them wasted enough to break something and then make them buy it.

MONDAY JUNE 15

The Los Angeles Lakers won their 15th NBA Championship Sunday and, in accordance, the team’s die-hard fans celebrated by wrecking shit in the streets outside the Staples Center. The AP reported today that eight police officers suffered minor injuries during the street celebrations, which reportedly involved vandalizing, small fires and several shouts of “Phil Jackson is my dad!” Rioting is a common practice among drunken fans after professional sports championships, especially those won by the home team in an arena or stadium built in a shitty part of town.

TUESDAY JUNE 16

How do you count 40 million handwritten ballots in a matter of hours? How do you determine whether a hole that is 3/4 of the way punched out is meant for a Democrat? These are the cross-cultural questions that come along with all elections, and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s landslide victory last week was no different. After initially calling the win a “divine assessment” on Ahmadinejad’s performance in office and in the sack, Iran’s supreme leader today ordered an investigation into allegations of fraud after two days of rioting convinced him that it was a good idea. Political analysts say the Iranians reacted more angrily than the Americans in 2004 largely due to the lack of air conditioning and Internet access that motivated the progressives in Florida to write dissenting blogs and apply for visas to Canada.


CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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