Are you tired of paying service fees to print out a concert ticket on your own computer? Do you think it’s unfair when the ATM and your bank charge you for taking money out of the wrong machine? Have you ever let someone kick you in the nuts for no reason? If you answered yes to any of these, Riverbend Music Center had a sweet deal for you today: service-fee free tickets to select summer concerts. For a single 24-hour period, fans of music groups such as Kid Rock, Cheap Trick, Poison, Nickelback and Creed saved an average of $8 on lawn and upper-level seats — the sections that offer a better view of the Ohio River than you get when seeing these bands perform at riverboat casinos where they normally play.
THURSDAY JUNE 4
President Obama today made his most-anticipated speech since he home-schooled John McCain in the town hall debate last fall (did Barack call him dicknose at one point or did we make that up?). In Egypt to address U.S.-Muslim relations, Obama promised to do his part to debunk the post 9/11 Muslim stereotype in America if those countries agree to stop considering us
over-moisturized pussies self-interested imperialists. Muslim leaders were reportedly impressed by Obama’s willingness to admit that the U.S. and some of its allies had contributed to the tension in the Middle East, specifically through European colonialism and the Cold War, but they got a little annoyed when he tried to point out that we wouldn’t have India Pale Ale or Rocky III if we hadn’t done that.
FRIDAY JUNE 5
Some of us woke up today wondering where our wallets were and why the only usable light bulb in the apartment was smashed all over our bedroom desk. But that wasn’t so crazy when compared to Butler County officials finding out that Sheriff Rick Jones closed some of the county’s jails late Thursday evening, moving more than 200 inmates to other jails and leaving only a grammatically flawed Twitter update to explain why.
SATURDAY JUNE 6
There are certain types of people you really shouldn’t mess with: former champion wrestlers, military personnel and people from Cheviot. The Louisville Courier-Journal today reported a new addition to this list: people who bring guns to church. According to the report, The New Bethel Church outside of Louisville encouraged its attendees this week to show their unconditional love for Jesus by packing heat. The gesture also was meant to promote responsible gun ownership and Second Amendment rights, according to Pastor Ken Pagano, who said it would have made a bigger statement if the congregation hadn’t lost its ammo privileges after a teenager tried shooting one of the leaves off Jesus’ head last Easter.
SUNDAY JUNE 7
If a = you, b = a 99-cent double cheeseburger and c = having a huge ass, then a b = c. According to a new University of Cincinnati study, this equation doesn’t have to be true. The Enquirer today reported that UC researchers have identified a stomach enzyme (x) from fatty foods that actually makes people want to eat more because the body recognizes a lot of fat as an opportunity to stock up in case there’s a famine or something. Researchers believe that by isolating the enzyme (x), unhealthy people can continue eating McDonald’s (b) and not gain weight (a b - x = a). The addition of the enzyme helped keep mice thin while maintaining high-fat diets, but researchers have yet to figure out why dividing the equation by 2 causes the fatter mice to explode.
MONDAY JUNE 8
It's one thing for a straight guy to buy a designer suit from a homosexual, but it´s quite another to fight in a war alongside one. The AP reported today that the Supreme Court once again refused to hear a legal challenge to the Pentagon´s “don´t ask, don´t tell” policy, giving the military the right to immediately dismiss any soldier who tries to touch a genital he or she already has. Gay rights activists have expressed frustration with the Obama Administration´s lack of dedication to overturning the law, but Pentagon spokesman Bryan Whitman said they´re still researching TV commercials that will attract and retain gay soldiers to replace the straight ones who quit because they don´t want to fight alongside homosexuals because they´re actually gay too.
TUESDAY JUNE 9
We at WWE! knew it was just a matter of time before Kentucky tried to F us in the B again (constructing that twisty tower apartment building in Covington barely even hurt). Gov. Steve Beshear today released the details of his video gambling legislation, which he expects to generate nearly $800 million and significantly help the state´s struggling horse-racing industry keep its fastest horses racing for bettors in their own state. Lawmakers will consider the legislation on Monday in the Kentucky General Assembly and decide whether Beshear´s estimated $800 million in annual revenue is accurate or if he´s just upset about Brooke Shields calling Kentucky “The Blue-Ass State” after she lost $50 on the Kentucky Derby.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: email@example.com