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Best Band Merch, Fees Waived, Fucked News

By Staff · June 3rd, 2009 · Minimum Gauge
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[HOT]

BEST BAND MERCH OF THE YEAR

Who doesn’t love a Snuggie? Those ingenious blankets with armholes and sleeves (which we like to call “backwards bath robes”) have become a national sensation, and now one of the world’s premiere Pop/Rock acts wants in on the action. Sure, Weezer could have commissioned its own “Sweater (Song) Bedazzler” or maybe a “Weezer Emo ShamWow” (for fans to wipe away those “rivers” of adolescent tears). Instead, the group has reportedly teamed with the Snuggie company to create the “Wuggie.” Ever the salesmen, singer Rivers Cuomo told Rolling Stone that the band’s new merch item will be “basically exactly like a Snuggie, except it says Weezer on it.” We pray to the great Flying Spaghetti Monster in the sky that the band does a little shilling on Home Shopping Network in honor of the new product. And we’ll pray even harder that Amy Winehouse gets in on the action and commissions a “Druggie” — a putrid yellow/green Snuggie with (and that’s not all!) chunks of vomit and drool down the front.

[WARM]

LIVE NATION OFFERS A CRUMB

Concert promoters Live Nation have made a gesture toward potential concertgoers worried about their cash flow this summer.

For one day only — Wednesday, June 3 — the company has announced it will drop the much-maligned “service fees” on “lawn tickets” for outdoor amphitheater shows by the likes of Phish, Coldplay, Blink-182 and No Doubt. That means, for example, if you want to see Coldplay at Riverbend this Thursday and you want to sit on damp grass about a half mile from the stage, you can save a whopping $8 (approximately the price of a large beer). A noble offer, though the 24-hour window to buy such less-than-stellar, still-overpriced tickets seems a bit like a gas station offering motorists a free cup of coffee with every full tank of gas. Now if they’d waive service fees for every show this summer in a show of solidarity with the very people that keep them in business, Live Nation’s image and reputation might get a genuine boost.

[COLD]

FUCKED NEWS

We don’t know whether to laugh or cry about this one. Damian Abraham — better known as Pink Eyes, the 300-pound lead singer for cult Canadian Punk Rock heroes Fucked Up — is reportedly all set to join the ranks of Bill “Fuck it! We’ll do it live!” O’Reilly and Sean “I’d be selling vacuum cleaners if you idiots didn’t believe all the shit I’m spewing” Hannity. That’s right, Abraham will be a Fox News talking head. But it’s not as bad as it sounds. Greg Gutfeld, the host of Fox’s late-night faux-“hip, young, irreverent and cool” show Red Eye, is apparently a huge fan of Fucked Up and that got Abraham booked on the unfunny snark-fest. That first appearance went so well that the singer will now be a regular “contributor” to the show. For Abraham’s part, he says he’s far from a fan of the network and views the appearances as akin to being “in the heart of the Death Star.” Now if Keith Olbermann would just grow a pair and invite Charlie Daniels, Lee Greenwood, Gene Simmons and Ted Nugent to appear as weekly roundtable guests on Countdown on MSNBC … well, then you’ll know the world has been completely turned inside out and we should probably all be working on Four Horsemen-proof bunkers. 

 
 
 
 

 

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