WEDNESDAY MAY 27
Socialist governments that want to mortgage our children’s futures aren’t the only entities finding symbolic messes from protesters on their front steps these days. The Oxford Press today reported that a group of health-care-reform activists delivered a couple of sacks of metaphorical dirty laundry to U.S. Rep. John Boehner’s office to demonstrate how messy one’s house becomes when he or she is inflicted with a debilitating illness and can’t clean up frequently. The T-shirts contained messages such as “I have a pre-existing condition. I can’t get health coverage. Please help!” and “My co-pay went up to $40, will you ask CityBeat to offer better insurance?” Boehner wasn’t present for the incident, but witnesses say his staffers picked up all the laundry and acted like it wasn’t that inconvenient.
THURSDAY MAY 28
When we at WWE! attended high school, there were strict rules governing the touching of one another: Public displays of affection were limited to hand-holding, and same-sex touching was totally banned unless a football player scored a touchdown (then there were no rules). According to the AP, today’s youths are breaking free from such limitations, and the hug has become the greeting of choice for an entire generation of newly affectionate high school students. Hug styles reportedly range from the basic friend hug to the hi-five/fist-bump/half-hug and the triple-any-sex-welcome hug. Some school administrators have expressed concern about all the hugging, specifically due to the possibility of litigation should one hugger hold on too long or the other try to push his genitals out to get a touch.
FRIDAY MAY 29
Those of us who generally visit The Enquirer’s super-slow Web site only for the humorous stories about poor people getting arrested have never really thought much about the link at the bottom to cincinnati.momslikeme.com.
But there are many interesting discussions going on there, such as today’s post titled “Withdrawal as effective as condoms???,” which cited a new report claiming that “pulling out” is not just an excuse men use to avoid using condoms or giving oral sex. The report — which said pulling out has a 96 percent success rate — was generally met with skepticism, and one woman specifically blamed it for having her middle son who refuses to take off his roller shoes or stop watching Ace of Cakes on the Food Network.
SATURDAY MAY 30
Two former U.S. presidents — one Democrat, one Republican — walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “What are you raising money for, and where the fuck are that guy’s pants?” The Secret Service won’t let us reveal the punchline to this joke, but today George W. Bush and Bill Clinton shared a stage in Canada for a friendly talk about the world and Canadian-American relations. During the introductions GW continued his recent run of acting like a normal person by making a joke about Clinton hanging out with his dad so much that he seemed like part of the Bush family (he then called Clinton “brother” and slapped him in the dick). The talk was reportedly scheduled to include Jimmy Carter, but he doesn’t like hanging out with GW and Clinton at the same time because they always replace his water with vodka to see if he’ll puke.
SUNDAY MAY 31
Most of us know someone (usually from Colerain) who likes to go out to a bar (usually BW3) and see how much trouble they can cause (usually a lot). The Enquirer today reported that a group of gay people called Cincinnati Guerrilla Queer Bar has formed to do the same thing, except instead of talking mass shit to people the gays just say hello and try to show straight people that it’s not a big deal to be around homosexuals. The group says the guerrilla invasions have gone over well with regular patrons except for last month’s Mount Adams Pavilion event when all the straight men were wearing tight T-shirts and hair gel and no one knew who was gay and who wasn’t.
MONDAY JUNE 1
When someone says the phrase, “Good things come to those who wait,” most people respond along the lines of, “Fuck you, give it to me now.” This isn’t the case in Cincinnati, where riverfront entertainment districts and successful sports teams always seem to be just a few short years away. Today the city’s cyclists were shown a partial reward for years of waiting for safe riding conditions when the city spray-painted bike dude symbols on the road. The first segment to receive “sharrows” — painted icons that officially give cyclists immunity from flying fountain drinks — was Clifton Avenue, with future segments planned on Ludlow Avenue and Madison Road and then gradually spreading out to poor parts of town if we’re patient.
TUESDAY JUNE 2
There’s no way to figure out whether it’s better to receive $500 cash back or take the 0 percent APR financing for 12 months when purchasing a new automobile. But there is a way to save General Motors, and that’s to have Barack Obama buy it and
put his face on the logo oversee a new line of credit and business model. Obama did just that today, granting the iconic American company — maker of classic American cars like the Corvette and more recently symbols of America’s economic collapse like the Chevy Avalanche — bankruptcy protection with hopes of quickly stabilizing it and freeing it back to the market. Republican leaders quickly criticized the government for buying GM but only because they like Toby Keith’s Ford commercials.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: email@example.com