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Hot or Not

Two of CityBeat's most social and friendly (read self-absorbed) staffers debate the merits of these summertime activities

By Danny Cross and Maija Zummo · May 27th, 2009 · CityBeat Recommends
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Most people’s fond memories of summertime are largely based on the carefree days of grade-school summer breaks, when long, carefree days meant pool parties and neighborhood sports. For adults, the summer can offer just as many trials as triumphs, as the sun’s relative closeness to the Earth causes us to sweat, burns our skin and forces us to socialize much later into the night because we don’t realized what time it is if it’s not dark outside. CityBeat has gathered a list of some classic summertime activities and themes, found two staffers who like to complain and asked them: “Do you like this — yes or no?” Here are the results.


DANNY
MAIJA
Baseball:
If you don't like baseball then you are a terrorist. I like going to baseball games because I don't actually watch what's happening on the field. Like most people, I get cheap seats, sweat it out and then spend lots of money on shitty beer. This way I win even if the Reds don't. That's the name of our baseball team right?
Barbecues:
Whether it's a communal gathering of Northside vegans or an All-American burger-and-domestic-beer grill-out on the West Side, Barbecuing is the one activity that all Cincinnatians agree is awesome. I can light a charcoal grill myself if I use a lot of lighter fluid and long match.
Sweating:
Not unless I'm doing something with my shirt off or working on a car or something During the summer I'm shinier and damper than Britney Spears in that one music video.
Swimming:
Humans aren't supposed to swim.

We don't have webbed feet. We can only hold our breath for about 30 seconds and then we die. If you can't perform an activity within 30 minutes of adding energy and nutrients to your body, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

I swim at Cincinnati public pools because I'm too afraid to break into Clifton apartment complexes. There are Bandaids and chunks of bubblegum floating around these pee tanks and little kids at the McKie Center pool in Northside kick me underwater.
Shorts:
People should wear shorts on SATURDAYS ONLY. "Saturday shorts" are a tradition from the 19th century worn with a short collarless jacket. Shit's still tight, but only appropriate for the weekends. I am convinced that something mysterious has recently been giving me spider veins, so I'm going to give shorts a big "not hot" because if I don't look good in them, who does?
Canoe-ing:
Using nouns as verbs is generally very cool (see: Beer me" or "Internet some directions"), but "canoe-ing" is not. Neither is floating down a tiny mucky river with a bunch of drunk hippies. Wet hair on girls is only cute in shampoo commercials. I think you mean "cabrewing," the summer sport that makes you ponder the important questions like: How much farther do I have to paddle? Where am I going to pee? Difficulty level increases proportionate to the amount of PBR you consume from "easy" all the way up to "drowned."
Outdoor Concerts:
Northside Rock 'N Roll Carnival? Yea, I can walk home from that. Dave Matthews Band at Riverbend? I'd rather get kicked in the nuts and spend $50 betting on the horse races at River Downs. I basically sweated through my bra at a Tom Petty concert last year at Riverbend. I think this has happened at pretty much every outdoor concert I've been to except for that one time I wore a bikini top to Warped Tour.
Mike's Hard Lemonade:
Better than putting Jolly Rangers in Zima. That shit takes forever to dissolve. I bet Danny "big arms" went with hot on this, so I'm going to play Devil's avocado and go with not. I've never had a Mike's Hard, but I puked 11 times after drinking four Smirnoff Ices on a ski trip once. I imagine it's the same thing.
Flings:
Zummo got on birth control and I've been working out. Who wants to party?!? It's our responsibility as young adults to get irresponsible during the summer. People are getting drunker, staying out later and wearing less clothes. If this isn' the formula for make-out city, I don't know what is. Take me drunk, I'm home.
 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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