With Ohio’s economy struggling and the state budget looking like the Green Party’s checking account balance, there’s still one politician willing to use horse-inspired metaphors to call on elected officials to increase the state’s revenue. Sen. Bill Seitz (R-Cincinnati) today gave an equestrian-themed speech at a rally supporting video slot machines at racetracks, during which he said to Gov. Ted Strickland: “Get off your moral high horse and get on a thoroughbred.” Seitz argued that the state’s racing revenues are down mostly because racetracks in other states have video gambling while Ohio’s have to sell super cheap beer or give away free hats to draw crowds. Strickland refused to budge on the issue, specifically because members of his cabinet believe the person behind horsehater.blogspot.com is from Ohio and would make fun of him if he helps the industry.
THURSDAY MAY 21
Sometimes there are good reasons for trying to hide what you really are (Superman did it his whole life and gay Republicans do it as long as they can). Lawyers for Cincinnati-based Procter & Gamble Co. today had their collective capes removed (and their icky parts exposed) when a British court ruled that Pringles “snack foods” are to be officially classified as “potato chips” and subjected to the country’s 15 percent tax on potato chips, sticks or puffs. P&G had long argued that Pringles are just a salty oval-shaped snack in a tube that almost always instigate partying and fun as soon as their tops are popped. The most damning evidence from the UK´s tax office — which stands to generate an additional $31 million a year — was the fact that Pringles were originally called “Pringle´s Newfangled Potato Chips” and Queen Elizabeth used to eat them while she watched daytime TV in the ’70s.
FRIDAY MAY 22
It’s widely accepted that Hamilton County Republican Chairman Alex Triantafilou is a deep individual whose successes (carving a successful career in law because his parents were rich) and faults (accidentally making fun of a cancer patient because he’s not funny) demonstrate the complexity of human nature.
This was again evident when Triantafilou today pondered on his blog one of the pressing social issues of the year: whether or not American Idol talent show winner Kris Allen won because he’s conservative. Triantafilou speculated that second-place finisher Adam Lambert had more talent and only lost because
he looked like a queer wearing eyeliner his opponent demonstrated a more conservative approach to the contest. To ensure that he himself didn’t seem like a homosexual, Triantafilou later ensured his readers via Twitter that he didn’t watch the show Wordsmith much and mostly just enjoyed pausing it when Paula Abdul touched her Coke cup to her lips.
SUNDAY MAY 24
County Commissioners David Pepper and Todd Portune are some super smart dudes with very good educations (Pepper went to Yale, for chrissake!). That’s why today they used a confusing literary term called the double negative to negate the We Demand a Vote coalition’s opposition to the downtown streetcar plan. By opposing the coalition’s opposition, Pepper and Portune have officially made the collection of socially conservative groups (and the NAACP) into streetcar supporters. Pepper said he tried to pull the same lyrical maneuver on the jail tax issue but Simon Leis tricked him with a series of palindromes that made him think Leis was a lot smarter than he acts.
MONDAY MAY 25
No one really knows how big Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad´s penis is, but it´s safe to assume that he has very big balls after the outspoken leader today challenged our boy Barack Obama to a face-to-face debate. (That dude has to know what a smooth-talker Obama is by now.) Ahmadinejad, whose conservative opponent has taken after George W. Bush by calling Ahmadinejad a huge pussy for launching rockets into the air even though that´s a pretty tough thing to do, says that sanctions and economic penalties won’t deter his country from pursuing nuclear technology or banning women from driving even if their husbands are drunk. Obama reiterated that he’s willing to meet with Ahmadinejad once Iran abandons its uranium enrichment activities, though sources inside the White House say Rahm Emmanuel nearly convinced the president to agree to the debate if it was set up as a battle rap.
TUESDAY MAY 26
Those of us who, for whatever reason, woke up with limes in our pockets on Memorial Day were pretty excited that we had the day off work. The Enquirer reported today that some local school kids didn´t have such a luxury and were rustled from their beds and sent off to school despite the national holiday. Students from 10 local districts had their right to honor our fallen heroes treaded on due to windstorms and snow storms canceling too many days last year. Fairfield Schools spokesman Randy Oppenheimer, whose district saw its attendance rate drop to a city school-esque 56 percent, said the kids who did show up learned a lot about being an American adult because you mostly just do things you don’t want to do.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org