There’s only one American demographic that’s been only mildly affected by the recent recession and credit crunches, and that’s college students — they’ve actually benefited lately from the drop in gas prices and Domino’s deciding to sell two pizzas in one box. That’s all about to change for students in Providence, R.I., where a proposed tax on full-time students could cost $150 per semester for the continued grubbing of the town’s resources under tax-exempt status. Local student groups have spoken out against the new tax, citing their frequent volunteerism (Greek-life requirement) and low number of sports-induced riots (no good teams). The Brown Student Council president added that no one from her school will pay the $300 yearly fee unless they get a pair of sunglasses in return.
THURSDAY MAY 14
Seldom is there a story so stupid that we at WWE! aren’t interested in covering it (we still grab our notebooks and tape recorders at the first mention of a body rub story). But that’s not the case for The Enquirer, which today covered Day 10 of “Reading BBQ Boob ’09,” a situation involving local barbecue restaurant owner Kenny Tessel, his half-naked female mannequin and the good people of Reading who don’t want to look at her fake side-boob while walking down a main street. Reading’s five-person Design Review Board today ruled that Tessel can continue displaying the plastic woman outside his restaurant but may not insinuate that there are more inside who want to party.
FRIDAY MAY 15
We in the liberal media generally don’t earn very high salaries (that’s why we support political candidates who promise to spread the wealth around)
SATURDAY MAY 16
Rumpke has finally found a good reason to help preserve the environment, and it doesn’t have anything to do with the melting polar ice caps or the thousands of vegans who feel weak every day from lack of iron. The Enquirer reported today that the local garbage company is ready to increase its recycling operation, largely due to a proposed tax increase that will cost Rumpke thousands of dollars a day if it doesn’t find a way to bury less stuff. A Rumpke spokesperson said that more recycling will allow the company to use less space in its landfill, build mountains at a slower pace and also help provide the necessary plastic supply for drink manufacturers to make individual bottles as small as possible.
SUNDAY MAY 17
One day you can’t get a PT Cruiser in Colerain, the next day there are no Chevy Cobalts in Fairfield. Such is the life of the American automobile shopper, who today learned that General Motors Corp. plans to close 1,100 dealerships on top of the 800 that Chrysler shut down on Saturday. Both automakers say there are too many dealerships operating close together, which drives down the per-unit price and makes salesmen admit too quickly that the price on the windshield isn’t real. GM has yet to announce which of its 43 Greater Cincinnati area dealerships will be removed, though Kings Automall is expected to be on the list because nobody knows where the fuck that place is.
MONDAY MAY 18
There are times when George Bush seems like a pretty normal person — drunk on YouTube making fun of people at weddings, dodging flying shoes during press conferences, tickling Laura when she’s trying to watch Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes. GQ Magazine today reported that another thing GW has in common with many Americans is his legit fear of God’s wrath. According to a series of memos obtained by the style magazine, former Defense Secretary/pig-fucker Donald Rumsfeld frequently combined Scripture and war photos on GW’s briefing cover sheets to help convince him that Iraq needed to be freed. Among the most effective verses, according to the story, was the one about Daniel using the fiery furnace to create a sword out of four metals that made his dad proud.
TUESDAY MAY 19
County governments are largely considered to be the “middle child” of the city/county/state relationship, with state offices kicking counties’ asses all the time and cities getting whatever they want. Today two California counties had enough and went to the U.S. Supreme Court to ask Dad if they could stop following the state’s rules for medicinal marijuana because of conflicting federal laws and the fact that most of California already smells like weed. By denying to hear the appeals from San Diego and San Bernardino counties, the high court essentially told them their father has more important things to do and no one loves them.
FOR A GOOD TIME CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org