WEDNESDAY MAY 6
TV has taught America a lot about Cincinnati: 1970s sitcoms, ’80s rollerblade dramas, ’90s drug movies and the 2001 riots gave people a pretty good idea of what we’re all about. Today The Enquirer detailed the country’s latest perception of us, as MTV’s Taking the Stage reality show made our School of Creative and Performing Arts seem like an exciting place full of complicated teenagers and real-life dance-offs. In turn, SCPA has received a drastic increase in applications, as people outside the area are now willing to pay out-of-state fees for their kids to attend Nick Lachey´s old school. MTV is reportedly in talks to continue taping the SCPA kids after graduation and says it has considered Cincinnati for other reality shows but executives are still disappointed with the Real World season they had to cancel because it got boring when the black guy kept getting kicked out of Lodge Bar for wearing a hat.
THURSDAY MAY 7
It’s about to be on like Donkey Kong in Clermont County when the 2010 elections come around (if Donkey Kong were a conservative female politician and the barrels he throws were full of dead babies). The Enquirer reported today that local stimulus dodger Mike Kilburn is considering playing the part of Mario in this extended-Nintendo metaphor by running against Rep. Jean Schmidt in the 2nd Congressional District primary next fall. Kilburn, best known for starting “U.S.A.” chants any time a Jeff Wyler Chevrolet advertisement comes on 700 WLW, believes his recent decision
to make an ass out of himself reject federal stimulus money will earn him the support he needs to overtake Schmidt. Schmidt’s communications director said she had no comment on Kilburn's potential candidacy and then asked a reporter if he’d ever heard of farmersonly.com.
FRIDAY MAY 8
Religion and sports have gone together since back when the Romans first started gathering to watch humans fight animals (God wanted the humans to win).
But things are different now, and The Enquirer today took a break from utilizing the latest social networking tools to report on an interesting social issue in sports: the First Amendment’s effect on prayer among high school sports teams. Legally, prayers must be student-led and voluntary, which means public school coaches can’t participate in prayer, encourage the act or bench kids if they don’t know whether Cain killed Abel or if it was the other way around. Private school coaches are allowed to use scripture for motivation and some even credit the act for their on-field successes, though St. X football coach Steve Specht said he also uses Deuteronomy 23:2 to stop any funny business from going on in the shower after games.
SUNDAY MAY 10
It’s been five years since gay marriage was legalized in Massachusetts, and the AP today reported that the entire state has been surprisingly normal ever since (homosexuals had nothing to do with how the Boston Celtics acted after winning last year’s NBA championship). In fact, the state’s 12,167 same-sex marriages have only increased the state’s support for man-man and woman-woman unions, as more people in the community realize that gay people aren’t trying to look at their butts when they’re leaning over to put groceries in the backseat of a two-door car. Though the Federal Defense of Marriage Act will keep gay couples from being included in the 2010 census, gay-rights groups have made progress in convincing the government to include the word “eclectic” in a demographic that will set them apart.
MONDAY MAY 11
Those of us whose bones are more frail than a fake-superhero’s authority over criminals know what it’s like to have a doctor look at our X-rays, shake his head and point to the sky. But we realize that he’s joking about a miracle from God being the only possible treatment for our imminent osteoarthritis. The Enquirer today reported that a local man took a similar diagnosis seriously back in 1989, and the Catholic Church has commissioned a divine intervention investigation team to determine whether or not a miracle occurred after doctors couldn’t cure his brain hemorrhage and then it went away on its own. Church investigators are already in the process of gathering miracle evidence — testimony, medical records and any food in his house shaped like the Virgin Mary — to send to the Vatican, which will review the case and determine if a 19th century nun saved him or if he has high levels of mitochondrians and might be a Jedi.
TUESDAY MAY 12
City Council and Mayor Mark Mallory spent so much time last week bickering about who should use their stimulus money to pay for electronic ankle bracelet monitors that they woke up Grandpa Leis, who promptly shouted, “I don’t even want those gosh dern things!” (The Sheriff had been taking a nap in his helicopter.) Leis argued that electronically monitoring low-level criminal offenders just isn’t the same as locking them in a room, adding that even if they’re secured in their homes they can still do bad things like smoke weed or play online poker. Councilwoman Leslie Ghiz, who made a motion last week to use city stimulus money to lease 75 bracelets but was told by Mallory to chill with it, says the ankle bracelets are a better idea than streetcars unless we can lock criminals in them and make them ride around the loop and see what they’ve done to our city.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org