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Another Seven Days of Old Jokes and New Candidates

By Danny Cross · May 6th, 2009 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY APRIL 29

Hamilton County GOP chairman Alex Triantafilou is a complicated man, and no one understands him but his man (Bill Cunningham). The liberal media today didn´t understand Triantafilou’s joke about a bald-from-chemotherapy Sen. Arlen Specter looking like the Dr. Evil character from Austin Powers. Triantafilou´s point was that Specter was pretty much being a dick by switching parties last week and leaving the Republicans susceptible to President Obama´s socialism, but the negative press from the fact that Hodgkin´s disease kills people caused him to remove the photos the next day. Hamilton County Democratic Chairman Tim Burke called the photos insensitive and said Triantafilou offends people all the time because he doesn´t realize it´s inappropriate to say, “That´s what she said.”

THURSDAY APRIL 30

The American Lung Association is just a downer these days — when it’s not trying to ruin Kentucky’s economy it’s busy trying to convince everyone to run more. Today’s “State of the Air” report was more of the same, as the ALA stated that 6 out of 10 Americans lives in an area with a dangerous level of pollution, normally involving various combinations of soot, diesel exhaust, aerosols and cigarette smoke in front of office buildings. High levels of pollution increase the risk of heart attacks (bad), strokes (worse) and early death (not a real thing), and the ALA says that those most vulnerable include children, the elderly, people with lung diseases and U.S. Bank customers who have to use car ATMs to get their money out.

FRIDAY MAY 1

When we at WWE! first read that a couple of City Council members want to use federal stimulus money on ankle bracelets, we thought it was a good idea and that Leslie Ghiz would look really nice in a summer dress and a cute, jangly anklet.

But apparently the proposal, by Ghiz and newly elected appointed councilman Greg Harris, is for 75 new electronic monitoring bracelets to help manage jail overcrowding during the summer, the time of year when early-release prisoners are most likely to bother people trying to go to baseball games. Ghiz and Harris say that spending $461,000 to lease ankle-bracelet monitors is a good investment and that watching the GPS device track offenders will give Jeff Berding something productive to do.

SATURDAY MAY 2

President Obama got a lot of things done during his first 100 days in office — did you know he’s already killed more pirates than any president in history? But The Enquirer today reported that another thing he did — propose new climate change legislation — isn’t sitting well with certain companies in the pollution business. Duke Energy has asked local governments to oppose the plan, which would limit the amount of carbon dioxide a power plant can emit but then offer a pollution credit if the company wants to pollute a little extra and pay a little more. Duke says it’ll be paying a lot more and the result will be increases in rates for hard-working Americans who know that money doesn’t grow on trees and energy doesn’t come out of the sky.

SUNDAY MAY 3

With American automakers closing factories faster than Twitter can update Lindsay Lohan’s relationship status, one forgotten international automaker is moving forward with plans to start a massive new car company. The AP today reported that Fiat is in serious discussions to purchase General Motors’ European operations, paving the way for the rebirth of the automobile that made the 1970s a wild game of car-flipping survival. Fiat Group — which includes Fiat, Alfa Romeo and Ferrari models — said it’s also considering the purchase of Chrysler LLC, due partially to its offer of zero percent financing and $500 cash back, but mostly to cease the production of PT Cruisers because it has a retro abomination of its own and needs the market share.

MONDAY MAY 4

Responding to the Greater Cincinnati area´s infatuation with attractive and witty young political candidates (Sarah Palin is so pretty!), Republicans today announced their 2009 mayoral candidate: a 50-year-old, single, white doctor and Army veteran. Brad Wenstrup, a local podiatrist who served 14 months in Iraq, announced his candidacy at Findlay Market and quickly began impressing black white people by stating his opposition to the proposed streetcar plan. Wenstrup called the plan “a streetcar named debt,” which impressed members of the audience who enjoy wordplay involving classic works of American literature and led to Wenstrup´s conclusion speech titled, “I know why the caged bird moves to Mason.”

TUESDAY MAY 5

A collection of not-so-adaptable companies is none too happy about a new proposal in Columbus that would limit teenagers´ access to tanning beds. The Enquirer today reported that a Hamilton Republican plans to re-introduce a bill that will require teenagers to get a doctor´s note before getting into a tanning tube. Lawmakers are expected to hear both sides of the debate before voting, with the American Academy of Dermatology arguing that ultraviolet rays are bad and turn your skin orange and the Indoor Tanning Association countering that tanning beds are just like the sun and that wearing the right color tube top will help hide the neon hue.


CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com



 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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