THURSDAY APRIL 23
The Warren County Commissioners received a check for $373,000 last month, but instead of using it to buy new vans Commissioner Mike Kilburn said, “Nope! This is dirty money! Take it back!” The Enquirer reported today that the county has officially rejected the stimulus money from the Ohio Department of Transportation and Kilburn, who has been a man of principle since
his wife made him get married before she’d have sex with him his constituents staged a tea party-themed rally against governmental waste, insisted that it go to Washington to pay down the national debt. ODOT spokesman Scott Varner said Warren County was the only county in Ohio to reject the stimulus and that if it wants to take the high road it’s going to be a bumpy one since they won’t have any money to maintain it.
FRIDAY APRIL 24
Cincinnatians often give Mike Brown a hard time because the Bengals have been one of the worst franchises in sports under his leadership. But The Enquirer today reported that although Brown might be bad at football stuff (where the fuck did Akili Smith come from?) he’s super smart when it comes to making money and paying his family members big salaries.
Testimony from a recent trial involving a stock deal and a dead 93-year-old who left his children out of his $300 million will revealed that Brown paid himself and four members of his family in excess of $50 million from 1994 to 2000. The Bengals, who keep their
knowledge of football financial records extremely private, later argued that a $1.4 million family bonus per Bengal win is evidence of their dedication to success on the field.
SATURDAY APRIL 25
We at WWE! prefer to play our friendly games of golf either in the comfort of our local country club or at one of our nation’s finest courses that doesn’t admit women (it hurts our confidence to be out-driven by a chick). That’s why we were bummed to hear today that local country clubs are being forced by today’s recession and Barack Obama’s socialism to open their doors to non-members. The problem, according to the AP, is twofold: Older rich people are cutting luxury expenses every time an American car company lays off workers, and young rich people don’t want to play golf with fellow St. X grads because they didn’t want to go to that school in the first place.
SUNDAY APRIL 26
If your parents made you go to Sunday school or church services regularly, there’s a good chance you hate them. But, according to a new survey, it’s also likely that you have stayed committed to your religion your whole life. The survey found that about half of all American adults have changed their religion at least once in their life, with reasons including not believing the teachings, complaints about religious leaders and getting poor girls pregnant because the Pope said not to use condoms. Most people leave their faith before the age of 24 and those who find a new religion do so by 36, which is the same period of time when people who never changed their religion start families and ask God to keep their kids from sexting.
MONDAY APRIL 27
The rest of the world knows how reluctant the U.S. has been when it comes to ratifying agreements to halt carbon emissions (Japan was none too happy when George Bush revised the Kyoto Protocol to include limits on the size of muffler tips on Honda Civics). But Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton today told delegates from 16 countries that America is different now and, like the bad guy in a movie who’s a dick but learns a lesson and becomes good, we’re ready to lead the world toward a new global warming treaty. The leaders involved say they’re happy that the Obama administration is acting serious about climate change but they’re not going to feel optimistic until GM finds a use for the Hummer besides getting people DUIs.
TUESDAY APRIL 28
Arlen Specter. He is old. He is moderate. He is … a Democrat. The 79-year-old veteran Republican Senator today pulled the ultimate John Kerry flip-flop, switching parties and pulling the Democrats to within one vote of a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate. The switch alarmed Republican leaders, many of whom were forced to take a break from using urbandictionary.com to research all the offensive things they said about tea bagging last week. Minority Leader Mitch McConnell went so far as to say the switch poses a threat to Democracy — though what he really meant was “gosh dangit, this sucks” — and somewhere in Minnesota Al Franken dressed up like a woman and started planning an anti-filibuster comedy routine.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: email@example.com
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