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Another Seven Days of Angry Popes and Happy Suburbs

By Danny Cross · April 22nd, 2009 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY APRIL 15
When a government tries to tread on Americans, we don’t take it lying down. That’s why thousands of people visited downtown Cincinnati today to participate in the Cincinnati Tea Party, a widely organized event meant to demonstrate displeasure with President Obama’s federal stimulus package and the concept of taxes in general. More than 3,000 protesters, whose ultimate goal was to throw tea bags all over the City Hall steps to symbolize waste and carelessness, carried signs that said things like, “Welfare, Boo Hoo” and “Mass Transit Costs Too Much, Waaah.” Councilman Cecil Thomas, who met the group at City Hall, said the protesters have a right to be heard and then thanked them for stimulating the downtown economy a whole month before Taste of Cincinnati.

THURSDAY APRIL 16
It´s difficult enough to get into college these days with all the SATs and application fees and the numerous Snuggies you have to pack if you want to stay warm in a dorm room. But finding the right college is even more difficult for gay and lesbian students in Tennessee, where most high schools block pro-gay educational and political Web sites along with the usual inappropriate topics like alcohol, pornography and NPR. ABC News reported today that the ACLU has sued the Tennessee Schools Cooperative over the censorship and said the schools have until September to reprogram the filter so it stops sending everyone who searches for gay rights groups to reparative therapy sites and YouTube clips from Rambo: First Blood.

FRIDAY APRIL 17
Those of us who know what it’s like to get our asses whooped by an Elder grad were none-too-surprised to learn today that the Vatican released a “strong statement” against those criticizing the Pope about his controversial condom comments. The final straw for the leader of the Catholic world, who last month said that condoms are uncomfortable and ruin the mood aren’t a responsible tool for slowing the spread of AIDS in Africa, was the filing of a formal protest by a Belgium official.

The Vatican’s unusually harsh statement accused European countries of starting a media campaign to make the Pope look bad and said it wouldn’t work because the Catholic church will defend itself just like it does numerous state football titles every year.

SATURDAY APRIL 18
We at WWE! have assumed for nearly a year and a half that we are the most childish news source in town (is our ongoing body rub coverage not evidence enough?). But The Enquirer today upped the stakes, running a headline on its super-slow Web site that read: “We blew up what? Oh, poop.” The story, about the fire department bomb squad responding to suspicious cans of poo, was reported through the newspaper’s funny-stories-for-college-credit program, which earned a high school junior one free elective for successfully getting the word “poop” in a metropolitan newspaper. In response, WWE! researchers have already updated their RSS feeds to include the keywords “manure,” “accident” and “face.”

SUNDAY APRIL 19
Today’s recession and credit crunches have made Americans downright worrisome about the future. But one Warren County city is already seeing the light at the end of the tunnel — and not because it already started building a high-speed train. The city of Mason, a northern suburb known mostly for housing the fastest wooden rollercoaster in the world and a rip-off of another country’s monument, has for weeks been fielding requests for construction projects that could start as soon as September. The city is already planning a mixed-use community that will combine the value of dining at a chain restaurant with the convenience of walking in one’s own neighborhood.

MONDAY APRIL 20
If the UN hosted a conference to discuss racism throughout the world and every world leader was invited and you had one guess as to who might ruin it by saying a bunch of racist things, who would your first guess be? If you guessed Angela Merkel, you’re an asshole, but if you guessed Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad you win a prize (search “Jason Gargano’s Star Wars boner” to claim it). The AP reported today that Ahmadinejad’s rambling speech about Israel being cruel and racist prompted a walkout by 40 European diplomats who had threatened to leave if Ahmadinejad either denounced Israel, denied the Holocaust or mentioned anything about Nicolas Sarkozy’s wife. Ahmadinejad reportedly mentioned two of the three, forgoing the Holocaust debate to make a crack about Sarkozy’s kids being his.

TUESDAY APRIL 21
Yet another obstacle to the long-awaited Banks Project was avoided today when its design firm determined through online voting that people would like it to continue to be called The Banks. The Enquirer reported today that the name, a play on words regarding the riverbanks behind the sports stadiums and the bank-owned buildings in front of them, received 47 percent of the votes, with Roebling Point (28 percent), the River District (18 percent) and North Shore (8 percent) rounding out the top four. Developers thanked those who voted, though it´s believed that at least half who chose The Banks name actually thought they were voting for the county to start building it.


CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com



 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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