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Boo(bs)!

By Bob Woodiwiss · October 25th, 2006 · Estrangement in a Strange Land
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The Halloween Crisis: A Neoconservative Strategy Paper
Situation: These are undeniably prosperous times for Trick-or-Treaters. Indeed, current conditions are such that no child's sweet tooth need be left behind. The factors creating this propitious climate are many.

A robust economy has allowed America's candy supplies to rise to historic levels. Also, favorable foreign trade policies continue to drive down the price of all confectionary products, from staples like chocolate and caramel to more esoteric comestibles such as black licorice and marzipan. Another boon to late-October's costumed candy collectors are the federal tax cuts of 2001, which allow more "sweets swag" to remain in the pockets of Trick-or-Treatees (adults/parents) and, as a result, stoking Halloween goodie bowls to significantly higher volumes per household. By any objective measure, there has never before been a better time to amass a serious sack of toothsome loot.

Notwithstanding this unprecedented abundance, however, there are still those who refuse to fully acknowledge and participate in America's second most cherished holiday. A holiday that celebrates, that epitomizes, this country's generosity, high spirits and ability to deceive for practical purposes. Unsettling as it is to contemplate, there are, throughout the our urban and suburban residential areas, rogue households that are trying hard, would like nothing better than, to bring down the American dream of free candy for all on All Hallows Eve.

Think for a minute about your own neighborhood. Are there houses handing out inappropriate, suspicious "healthy" items like apples and oranges? Or worthless pennies? Have your children been victims of confections of mass disappointment, that is, received a trifling Dum-Dum sucker or a single pathetic piece of generic taffy instead of getting, at a minimum, a branded, Fun Size candy bar. Or, worst of all, are there places on your street where nobody's home or pretending not to be home so you've sent your kids walking up their walks for absolutely nothing? Such households cannot be written off as simply negligent or unfriendly; these households are philosophically-affiliated hubs of horribleness and must be considered our enemies.

Evaluation: Make no mistake: The people committing these blatant acts of passive aggression, these anti-Halloweenistas, are not like you, your friends, your family. Reasoning with, condescending to, threatening them are all exercises in futility. Because they do not embrace the same values or ritualistic behavior as you or the vast majority of your neighbors. The simple fact is their steadfast refusal to adhere to the decent, longstanding policies of the United Households of Your Average American Community clearly demonstrates they're a hostile, antagonistic people who abhor our mock hobgoblins, ersatz hobos and copyrighted Disney characters alike and therefore are a threat not only to our children but, undoubtedly in a less obvious way, to our unwed mothers' unborn children.

In years past, citizens have (wrongly) pursued a policy of appeasement with those who would violate the recognized Trick or Treat Protocol -- agreeing to bring in their mail when they're on vacation, lending them tools, even, in the height of irony, buying their sugar-starved children an ice cream cone after a Saturday soccer game. Well, no more.

Action: As loyal defenders of this great holiday, we must be willing to fight the non-confectionists, the impeders of our imps, and in so doing export our candied ideals to their inhospitable yards and porches thus ensuring that the youth of this nation, now and in the future, have the free sweets and freedom from dissent that is their birthright.

And so it's time to act against Halloween's foes. Time to launch a campaign of preemptive Tricks in defense of plentiful Treats.

This campaign must necessarily include acts of mischief, prankery, shenanigans, defacement, defilement, petty theft, vandalism and all other acts of naughtiness at our disposal -- to wit, unleashing the shock and awe of our insuperable stockpile of weapons: bars of window-soaping soap; double rolls of tough two-ply toilet paper; pre-candled multi-yolk, maximum-spatter eggs; and bags of excrement set aflame on countless porches throughout the land, each burning bright as Lady Liberty's torch.

But regardless of the justness of our cause or the superiority of our weapons, we must be prepared for losses. For it is our children, our diminutive foot soldiers, who, since they're minors and can't do hard time, will do the bulk of the perilous Tricking. And it is they who, despite careful parental strategy and tactics, despite advanced ultra-violent video game training, despite up-masking to safeguard their true identity, will be cussed at, caught and/or arrested. To these brave youngsters we say, "Lawyerspeed."

Rest assured, it is by making such sacrifices, by being willing to use our Tricks in defense of our beloved confections and, above all, by remaining dedicated to our purpose and staying the course that one day very soon we shall be victorious. On that day, our children will be welcomed into all homes in all neighborhoods and, once in, will be feted as the cowboys, clowns and superheroes they are. And the families in these homes will not give out fruit or pennies or paltry, tasteless "not-goodies." They will instead smilingly give out name-brand, full size candies. By the fistful. Without hesitation.

Summation: Spare the Tricks and spoil an American child's holiday.



CONTACT BOB WOODIWISS: bwoodiwiss(at)

The Halloween Crisis: A Neoconservative Strategy Paper
Situation: These are undeniably prosperous times for Trick-or-Treaters. Indeed, current conditions are such that no child's sweet tooth need be left behind. The factors creating this propitious climate are many.

A robust economy has allowed America's candy supplies to rise to historic levels. Also, favorable foreign trade policies continue to drive down the price of all confectionary products, from staples like chocolate and caramel to more esoteric comestibles such as black licorice and marzipan. Another boon to late-October's costumed candy collectors are the federal tax cuts of 2001, which allow more "sweets swag" to remain in the pockets of Trick-or-Treatees (adults/parents) and, as a result, stoking Halloween goodie bowls to significantly higher volumes per household. By any objective measure, there has never before been a better time to amass a serious sack of toothsome loot.

Notwithstanding this unprecedented abundance, however, there are still those who refuse to fully acknowledge and participate in America's second most cherished holiday. A holiday that celebrates, that epitomizes, this country's generosity, high spirits and ability to deceive for practical purposes. Unsettling as it is to contemplate, there are, throughout the our urban and suburban residential areas, rogue households that are trying hard, would like nothing better than, to bring down the American dream of free candy for all on All Hallows Eve.

Think for a minute about your own neighborhood. Are there houses handing out inappropriate, suspicious "healthy" items like apples and oranges? Or worthless pennies? Have your children been victims of confections of mass disappointment, that is, received a trifling Dum-Dum sucker or a single pathetic piece of generic taffy instead of getting, at a minimum, a branded, Fun Size candy bar. Or, worst of all, are there places on your street where nobody's home or pretending not to be home so you've sent your kids walking up their walks for absolutely nothing? Such households cannot be written off as simply negligent or unfriendly; these households are philosophically-affiliated hubs of horribleness and must be considered our enemies.

Evaluation: Make no mistake: The people committing these blatant acts of passive aggression, these anti-Halloweenistas, are not like you, your friends, your family. Reasoning with, condescending to, threatening them are all exercises in futility. Because they do not embrace the same values or ritualistic behavior as you or the vast majority of your neighbors. The simple fact is their steadfast refusal to adhere to the decent, longstanding policies of the United Households of Your Average American Community clearly demonstrates they're a hostile, antagonistic people who abhor our mock hobgoblins, ersatz hobos and copyrighted Disney characters alike and therefore are a threat not only to our children but, undoubtedly in a less obvious way, to our unwed mothers' unborn children.

In years past, citizens have (wrongly) pursued a policy of appeasement with those who would violate the recognized Trick or Treat Protocol -- agreeing to bring in their mail when they're on vacation, lending them tools, even, in the height of irony, buying their sugar-starved children an ice cream cone after a Saturday soccer game. Well, no more.

Action: As loyal defenders of this great holiday, we must be willing to fight the non-confectionists, the impeders of our imps, and in so doing export our candied ideals to their inhospitable yards and porches thus ensuring that the youth of this nation, now and in the future, have the free sweets and freedom from dissent that is their birthright.

And so it's time to act against Halloween's foes. Time to launch a campaign of preemptive Tricks in defense of plentiful Treats. This campaign must necessarily include acts of mischief, prankery, shenanigans, defacement, defilement, petty theft, vandalism and all other acts of naughtiness at our disposal -- to wit, unleashing the shock and awe of our insuperable stockpile of weapons: bars of window-soaping soap; double rolls of tough two-ply toilet paper; pre-candled multi-yolk, maximum-spatter eggs; and bags of excrement set aflame on countless porches throughout the land, each burning bright as Lady Liberty's torch.

But regardless of the justness of our cause or the superiority of our weapons, we must be prepared for losses. For it is our children, our diminutive foot soldiers, who, since they're minors and can't do hard time, will do the bulk of the perilous Tricking. And it is they who, despite careful parental strategy and tactics, despite advanced ultra-violent video game training, despite up-masking to safeguard their true identity, will be cussed at, caught and/or arrested. To these brave youngsters we say, "Lawyerspeed."

Rest assured, it is by making such sacrifices, by being willing to use our Tricks in defense of our beloved confections and, above all, by remaining dedicated to our purpose and staying the course that one day very soon we shall be victorious. On that day, our children will be welcomed into all homes in all neighborhoods and, once in, will be feted as the cowboys, clowns and superheroes they are. And the families in these homes will not give out fruit or pennies or paltry, tasteless "not-goodies." They will instead smilingly give out name-brand, full size candies. By the fistful. Without hesitation.

Summation: Spare the Tricks and spoil an American child's holiday.



CONTACT BOB WOODIWISS: bwoodiwiss(at)citybeat.com. His column appears here the last issue of each month. His book, Keys to Uncomfortable Living, a collection of humorous and satirical essays, is in bookstores now.
 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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