President Obama on Tuesday pulled the ol’ “pop-in” on our friends over in Iraq, but instead of dropping a friendly “Hey buddy” like Kramer in Seinfeld, Obama told the entire nation to hurry up and become self-sufficient. The AP today described the message from Obama, who was said to have gotten a weird look from Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki after bursting through the door and falling down on purpose, and it was surprisingly out of the GW handbook: “Take responsibility for your country, gosh dernit.” Obama praised the work of American troops and said it’s time to transition the rule of Iraq to its people and that the Shiia and Sunnis need to reach across the aisle like he and John McCain did when the stock market crashed.
THURSDAY APRIL 9
Today’s difficult economic times are causing a lot of problems for newspapers — at CityBeat we’ve been forced to turn our interns into full-time body rub specialists to help increase revenue (Alex L. Weber is the best). But The Cincinnati Enquirer has taken a different approach, sending its interns down to the courthouse to earn college credit based on how many funny arrest stories they can find. Today’s lot included a guy getting arrested on his birthday and a mother who got arrested for fighting her kids. According to the paper’s recently released memo on social networking, all future pun-filled arrest stories will be available via Twitter under the username poorpeopleRdumb.
FRIDAY APRIL 10
George Lucas’ Star Wars series has been hailed by critics as one of the best pieces of film ever. (CityBeat’s Jason Gargano once wrote that the Ewok chase scene in Return of the Jedi gave him a boner in high school.) But today the guy who played Darth Vader said he’s a little mad that Lucasfilm keeps saying some of the films haven’t exceeded their production costs so he’ll get no residual payments.
Vader said he’s not trying to be a dick about it because he appreciates how the super-easy role got him rich in the first place (the guy who played Chewbacca didn’t get shit) but said it’s unnecessary for Lucas to send personal notes threatening to chop his arms off like Luke Skywalker did.
SATURDAY APRIL 11
The Coalition Opposed to Additional Spending and Taxes today changed its name to the Coalition Opposed to Riding Fake Trains in the City, calling on volunteers to help circulate a petition to allow the public to vote on whether or not to build a streetcar downtown. The petition drive was one of three scheduled by COAST, an organization that has a history of putting issues on the ballot in order to
stop the government from doing things it doesn´t like protect the people´s interest and promote fiscal responsibility. COAST said in a statement that a streetcar alone isn´t going to turn Cincinnati into Portland, Ore., and that riding bicycles and wearing Crocs to work is a more cost-effective way to start the transition.
SUNDAY APRIL 12
Those of us who had to listen to our mothers read grad school denial letters to us over the phone certainly enjoyed a report out of The Enquirer today, detailing how local colleges are worried about how long it’s taking prospective students to decide whether or not they want to come to their school. Today’s story explained how some local schools are trying harder these days to lure prospective students, recruiting them with postcards, phone calls and face-to-face encounters with professors and good-looking current students. The increased effort is a drastic change from the days when there was enough federal financial aid to cover anyone who could get a C in Chemistry and it was appropriate for the University of Texas to send out letters that said, “Fuck you, you ain’t a Longhorn.”
MONDAY APRIL 13
We at WWE! keep our children away from gay people as often as we can — that’s why we don’t go to local theater productions or watch baseball games when they interview players in the locker room. But today Butler County residents found out they aren’t allowed to take similar precautions, as a recently passed adoption policy that gives preference to straight married people violates state law. The problem for the
homophobic and shady concerned and responsible administrators who wrote the law is that counties have to adhere to a state law that says they must consider all prospective parents regardless of race, color, national origin or affinity for watching HGTV. Commissioners have suspended the policy pending legal review or a hefty donation from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
TUESDAY APRIL 14
A group of Independence, Ky., residents is none-too-happy about the possibility of looking out the front door into the orange and purple lights of a United Dairy Farmers store. The Kentucky Enquirer reported today that residents spoke out at an Independence Council meeting April 6 against a zoning change that would allow the convenience store — which offers gasoline refueling stations, an ice cream counter and harsh judgment if you ask for condoms — to replace an 11-acre greenspace that currently has a lake, trees and grass on it. An architect for the project said that residents shouldn´t worry about the store becoming a nuisance because it closes early and doesn´t sell wine on Sundays.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org
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