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Another Seven Days of Happy YP's and Sad Astronauts

By Danny Cross · April 1st, 2009 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY MARCH 25

Cincinnati is a great place to live if you´re an educated young professional who works at Procter & Gamble (they have a gym in the basement!). The Enquirer today reported that many such YPs gathered last week to promote their town to other young people who like to wear collared shirts but not ties. The event was part of a series of YP events that local leaders hope will establish Cincinnati as a good place to start a career and spend disposable income. The area’s young adult population grew by 4 percent from 2005 to 2007, suggesting that the efforts to retain YPs through CiN Weekly promotions and well-planned happy hours are at least partially working, but The Enquirer noted that poor people´s kids not having enough money to move to San Francisco might have also contributed.

THURSDAY MARCH 26

Although most people ignored the Pope’s recent comments on condom use like it was their dad insisting they use one if they’re going to have premarital sex, one of the world’s mostrespected medical journals today said the Pope is way off if he’s serious about condoms actually making the AIDS crisis worse. The BBC reported today that a medical journal called The Lancet was unusually harsh in its response to Pope Benedict XVI’s recent assertion that the best way to slow the disease is to feel guilty when you masturbate and take high school football really seriously feel good about sex but only if it’s so you can have a baby. The Lancet said that if the Pope is going to distort medical facts to support Catholic doctrine he should stick with recommending wine for heart disease because that doesn’t hurt anyone.

FRIDAY MARCH 27

If you’ve ever tried to eat a banana, you know how much it sucks to have to peel one open and then gradually pull down the sides while you eat the fruit inside.

That’s why Cincinnati-based Chiquita Banana Company today announced plans take health food more seriously by packaging its bananas and apples in plastic so consumers can more easily get to the food and spend less time chewing it. Chiquita Chief Marketing Officer Tanios Viviani cited today’s increasing need for portable food and bananas’ well-documented tendency to get smashed inside messenger bags and ruin important documents as reasons for the branding change.

SATURDAY MARCH 28

Liberals across the world today united in celebration of how easily humans can cut back on energy usage during an event called “Earth Hour,” a one-hour period when no electricity was used and people hung out in candlelight and talked to each other. PR-savvy cities from New York to Las Vegas par ticipated in the event, which Inconvenient reportedly was able to cut energy usage by as much as 1 percent in many metropolitan areas. Earth Hour organizers believe the event can dramatically increase its effect around the world through increased marketing and by assuring that next year’s event doesn’t take place during the NCAA basketball tournament.

SUNDAY MARCH 29

Those of us who would totally be defending our country if there wasn’t a chance we’d have to take a shower with a gay dude (same reason we quit the high school baseball team) were bummed to learn today that the Army’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy won’t be changing any time soon. The controversial policy has been in place since the Clinton administration and really only serves to limit recruiters’ interest in sexuality and soldiers’ willingness to DVR Project Runway on military bases. Opponents say that identifying gay soldiers could make the military function better because straight soldiers who make gay jokes wouldn’t have to wonder if people who don’t laugh are gay or just annoyed by that sort of thing.

MONDAY MARCH 30

The president of the NAACP and a conservative white lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “What was the bet and which one of you assholes lost?” The lawyer goes, “Neither. We have a common enemy and this guy is wasted.” The Enquirer today detailed just how weird everyone thinks it is that Christopher Smitherman has hired noted anti-gay attorney Chris Finney to be the NAACP’s lawyer. The seemingly political opposites recently have bonded over their displeasure with City Council and plan to continue their creepy alliance until the streetcar is ruined or their friends get sick of hearing them talk about stuff they don’t care about.

TUESDAY MARCH 31

We at WWE! realize that when you work in close quarters with other people it’s sometimes necessary to share resources (Maija Zummo uses our red pens — we use her bathroom when she goes to lunch). The AP today reported that the international space station doesn’t function this smoothly, largely because more astronauts from more countries are up there and they’re being subjected to the bureaucratic problems of people on Earth. Russian cosmonaut Gennady Padalka was recently denied use of American toilets and an exercise bike, which he said lowered his morale. Padalka, who will be the station’s next commander, said if Americans don’t agree to share their bathrooms by the time he’s in charge he’ll move theirs outside where it’s super cold.


CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com



 
 
 
 

 

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