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Another Seven Days of Cigarette Taxes and Bathroom Breaks

By Danny Cross · March 25th, 2009 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY MARCH 18
For those of us who still think President Obama is just a smooth-talking socialist spreading our money around the bailouts, it was a relief today to see him filling out an NCAA Tournament bracket on ESPN. The president, known for playing sports and offering insightful commentary when he’s not offending disabled people, showed that he’s a regular guy like us whose books just happen to be more popular than ours (copies of Jason Gargano’s memoir, A Great Vocabulary Can Only Get a Westsider So Far, aren’t selling that well these days). Obama picked the North Carolina Tar Heels to win the championship and said it was largely because UNC forward Tyler Hansbrough sets a good example for Americans by succeeding in life despite his obvious stylistic and athletic deficiencies.

THURSDAY MARCH 19
George W. Bush made some pretty important decisions in office: how to respond to 9/11, when to invade Iraq, how often to let Scooter Libby watch Ally McBeal on TV. But we’re about to learn a lot more about GW’s thought process through his new book, Decision Points, which will detail the reasoning behind Bush’s most-important decisions such as running for office (he thought the White House had a pool), selecting Dick Cheney (Dad promised him a Ford Mustang Cobra with a sunroof) and wearing a fighter pilot suit at the Iraq victory celebration (dare from Rove). Crown Publishing President Jenny Frost said the book will be candid and insightful, although those close to Bush say Frost cut out all the parts where he made decisions based on whether a TV commercial was for a sex hotline or a flavored alcoholic beverage, which leaves out most of 2002.

FRIDAY MARCH 20
Sensing that pending tax increases were going to negatively affect their business, the major cigarette companies today said: “Dear Kentucky, sorry, but, fuck you.” An Enquirer reporter recently back from forced vacation dug a little deeper, reporting that with state and federal taxes about to significantly increase the price of smokes, the companies went ahead and raised them now hoping to recoup some of the money they´ll lose when people get pissed and stop buying them.

Cigarette maker Phillip Morris also released a statement saying that anyone who switches to Mavericks is a bitch so keep smoking.

SATURDAY MARCH 21
A day after President Obama reached out to the Iranian government and people by sending them a nice videotape about their Persian New Year, a high-ranking Iranian leader said that wasn’t the kind of change he can believe in. The AP reported today that Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei brushed off the gesture, saying that Decider/writer Obama’s “change” rhetoric might have defeated a weak old white man but that it wouldn’t trick Iran into ruining itself through desperate political moves or embarrassment. Ayatollah Khamenei said his country’s behavior will change only if America’s foreign policy changes and Israel changes into a country that doesn’t exist.

SUNDAY MARCH 22
Many politicians are using the social networking Web site Twitter to update the public on their minute-by-minute actions and thoughts, and The Enquirer reported today that the name of the site is super hilarious (funnier than making Mercy Hospital advertisements slowly unfold over the sports stories we’re trying to read on your super-slow Web site, ya assholes?!?). Cincinnati’s only favorite understaffed daily newspaper today explained how local politicians are tweeting their latest one-liners to their constituents easier than ever, citing Rep. John Boehner’s (R-West Chester) latest twitter post: “Middle finger to the law, Dems grippin my balls,” which was meant to be a text message to Rep. Steve Driehaus.

MONDAY MARCH 23
Public schools take away controversial reading material all the time, but usually it’s nudie mags or stories about wizards or angsty teenage boys. The Cleveland Plain Dealer reported today that a local principal has taken censorship to the next level, banning a video game magazine called Nintendo Power. The school librarian — so upset by the immense guidance and sweet cheat codes the students would miss out on — called the ACLU, and director Jeff Gamso released a statement demanding that the principle return the reference material to its rightful spot in the magazine rack and then challenged every administrator to try to beat Contra without the cheat code.

TUESDAY MARCH 24
We at WWE! aren’t very picky about the cleanliness of public restrooms — we can go in the woods, so what the hell do we care? But the AP reported today that local company Procter & Gamble is helping to make bathroom breaks more pleasurable for families on the go. Sponsored by Charmin toilet paper, a new Web site called www.SitOrSquat.com has already begun compiling a database of more than 50,000 Charmin-approved public restrooms to help families avoid pulling off the highway at a place with a Big Buck Hunter video console. A company spokesman said there are several phases for the site and that P&G is currently seeking the public’s help to identify which of its clean restrooms is also near a Subway restaurant.


CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com



 
 
 
 

 

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