WEDNESDAY MARCH 4
Cincinnati might have finally broken ground on The Banks project, but by the time people get to live, work and play in the riverfront neighborhood it could be called something completely different. The Enquirer reported today that the possibility of changing the name arose when developers Carter and the Dawson Co. realized that Cincinnati had planned its new neighborhood between two sports stadiums and a highway and then named it after one of America’s stupidest industries. The Enquirer then posted a poll question on its super-slow Web site asking readers what they would rename The Banks, and as of March 10 the leading candidate was Penis District.
THURSDAY MARCH 5
We at WWE! have been known to go down to the track and bet on the ponies from time to time (the ones that freak out before they get in the starting gate run the fastest). But that was back when horses traveled from far away lands (in trailers) to compete at local tracks for big purses and glory. Turfway Park today announced that it has canceled two big races and will further reduce its regular purses because it doesn’t have the additional gaming of its out-of-state competition. Turfway President Robert Elliston said that smaller purses mean less-experienced horses that don’t have enough information in the betting book so people have to choose their horse based on the color of the jockey’s hat, which messes up all the odds and loses money.
FRIDAY MARCH 6
A new study has confirmed what some of us already knew based on the number of times we’ve gotten our asses kicked at bars in Colerain: Cincinnati is a manly city. The study ranked Cincinnati fourth-manliest in America based on stereotypically manly things like having sports teams, using tools and enjoying the spectacle of monster truck rallies.
Cincinnati trailed only Nashville, Charlotte and Oklahoma City in the rankings, followed by Denver and then 45 other cities that gradually counted down to the most feminine (New York City won that prize). A spokesman for the study said Cincinnati nearly cracked the top three but researchers were split over whether the game “cornhole” was really manly or really gay.
SATURDAY MARCH 7
CityBeat isn’t the only organization being persecuted for respecting the rights of individuals who give a good (legal) body rub. The AP reported today that Sheriff Thomas Dart of Cook County, Ill., has sued Craigslist.com, accusing the popular classified Web site of allowing people to list their body rub services when they know there are going to be happy endings involved. While the lawsuit argues that Craigslist’s erotic service ads are the primary reason the site is popular, Sheriff Dart stated that he had no official problem with the “Missed Connections” section, which he said he sometimes reads looking for descriptions of himself shopping at Home Depot.
SUNDAY MARCH 8
Sometimes Cincinnati’s understaffed daily newspaper gets bogged down
by breaking news and in-depth research forced sabbaticals and pothole datacenters. That’s why The Enquirer today reported that Butler County Children Services last December adopted a pretty F’d up new policy that gives traditional married couples adoption preference over single people and same-sex couples. The policy states that when all other things are equal (combined net income, fashion sense) the married regulars win the adoption. The policy isn’t absolute, Butler County Children Services Director Mike Fox says, as the department wouldn’t take a child away from a same-sex couple and give him to a straight married couple because he might already have become a little bit gay.
MONDAY MARCH 9
Many women are still attractive when they’re 50 — just look at Cher, Madonna or Jason Gargano’s mom. The AP today added another name to the hot mom list, as famous doll Barbie celebrated the big 5-0. Born March 9, 1959, Barbie has enlivened the lives of little girls by sporting fashionable clothes, taking on dozens of careers and even changing her race to keep up with the changing
toy markets times. Though the doll has been criticized over the years for her unattainable figure and reluctance to marry Ken even though they lived together in the Dream House, Mattel says that Barbie will be culturally and socially relevant as long as American women continue wearing thong underwear even though they hate how it feels.
TUESDAY MARCH 10
President Obama might be taking a lot of heat from Rush Limbaugh and the many TV pundits who look like Legos, but the AP reported today that some people kind of have to support the president these days. One such politician is Sen. Joe Lieberman, who last summer took the John Kerry flip-flop to a whole new level by supporting Republican John McCain against Obama in the presidential election. Lieberman, who angered many Democratic leaders with his Republican campaigning and Maverick summer, is now praising Obama´s leadership and said he’s off to a very good start, though insiders say Joe Biden is still bitter and since taking office has only referred to the senior senator as Benjamin Buttboy.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org