President Obama addressed Congress on Tuesday with a summary of America’s many problems, but instead of Wednesday’s headlines reading “Obama, America Totally F´d” they read “Jindal, Republicans Look Stupid.” The distraction from reality was brought on by Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, who responded to Obama´s address by giving a terrible speech that worried even the most anti-socialist Republicans. Analysts largely agreed that the speech´s content was pretty good (government too big, spending bad) but the delivery, not-so-much. Jindal, who is was widely considered to be a 2012 presidential contender, later defended the speech and said he took the media´s comparisons to Mister Rogers as a compliment because that guy was thrifty and only had two pairs of shoes.
THURSDAY FEB. 26
Even with today’s rough economic climate and credit crunches, the city of Mason has $365,000 set aside for this year’s Fourth of July “Red, Rhythm and Boom” event, the village’s annual celebration of the day our forefathers sent King George a letter telling him not to tread on us. But now people in Mason feel like they’re getting treaded on because some council members are considering raising the income tax to help pay for fire department needs. Mason officials have already agreed to pay Huey Lewis and the News $140,000 to perform at this year’s event and say they can’t cancel because they already pissed off Kenny Loggins when they rescheduled last year’s Octoberfest.
FRIDAY FEB. 27
Let’s face it: Mark Mallory and George W. Bush were poor choices for the Cincinnati Reds’ opening day ceremonial first pitch during the past two years (at least Bush had a decent arm). That’s why this year’s pitch will come from Nick Lachey, who is the direct opposite of a politician who never played sports or a president who’s better at baseball than basic grammar.
Lachey, who’s decision to stay away from politics has helped him retain social relevance, is an athletic young man with a proven interest in local sports teams and giving people great deals on cell phone service.
SATURDAY FEB. 28
The Louisville-Courier Journal today detailed some ongoing Senatorial drama in Kentucky, which began when Sen. Jim Bunning said the imminent cancerous death of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was reason for Republican concern. Bunning´s comment, for which he later apologized, alarmed Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who has been worried about Bunning losing his Senate seat to a Democrat in addition to his normal fears of walking in on gay sex in public bathrooms. Bunning then said that if Republicans try to replace him with a “younger” or “more normal” candidate that he´ll resign just to give the Dems their 60th vote in the Senate. After hearing the latest news, McConnell reportedly said, “Shit, dang,” but then released an official statement saying, “Dangit, gosh dernit.”
SUNDAY MARCH 1
When we at WWE! first read today’s Enquirer story about how ironic it is that Rumpke isn’t making much money these days because people are putting out less garbage, we were first inclined to think: You know, it doesn’t really bother us that a company whose business model relies on a stream of short-lived consumables and environmental detriment is suffering because we’re making less waste and they’re not fluid enough to adapt their profitability. But then we were like, Dammit! They said they were going to build a ski resort once we buried enough garbage! Now our self-responsibility, guilt-free consumerism and business ethics are all twisted up into a confusing and judgmental algorithm that can only be solved by purchasing a 24-pack of Little Kings (7-ounce bottles rule!) and drinking them alone. Life is hard.
MONDAY MARCH 2
A new index of personal and economic freedom has deemed Ohio one of the country’s least free states, but not due to our restrictions on growing stuff in our backyards and then smoking it or marrying someone who has the same genitals as us. The Enquirer today detailed the formalities of the index, which maintains that Ohio’s concealed carry laws make us more free but our state’s restriction of Sunday wine sales and its insistence on closing the bar at 2 a.m. lesson our freedom. The study surprisingly determined that allowing same-sex marriage doesn’t make a state more free because all marriage requirements amount to unnecessary government intervention, though this has been sociologically proven only by male sitcom characters who don’t like hanging out with their wives.
TUESDAY MARCH 3
The BBC today reported that parents may soon be able to select some of their baby’s physical traits, as a Los Angeles fertility clinic recently began offering trait selection during normal genetic screening. So while scientists are darkening the future baby’s complexion to lower the risk of melanoma, a parent might also choose new hair and eye colors for their future child. Though some doctors have argued against choosing an embryo based on future physical traits, scientists at the clinic say they’re also working on technology that will allow parents to judge the embryo’s personality before making their final choice.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org