Three years ago Jose Canseco wrote a book about all the steroid use that took place in baseball during the 1990s and early 2000s, but everyone in the sports world said, “Shut up Canseco, you suck!” Now the former Bash Brother, who admitted to using steroids and sticking needles in other players’ butts during his entire career, would like an apology from everyone who didn’t believe him. His attorney today said that Canseco would like an apology from Major League Baseball for all the hurtful remarks and small dick jokes, but that his real goal is to start educating the game´s young players on how using illegal drugs makes you look like a dumbass even when you´re right about stuff.
THURSDAY FEB. 19
Facing the threat of their favorite social networking Web site owning all of their faux-social interactions, Facebook users have revolted against the site’s new terms of service. The terms, shadily enacted Feb. 4, state that everything one uploads or writes on the site is owned and marketable by Facebook with no compensation to the social networker. In response to numerous angry e-mails and thousands of users changing their emotion status to “annoyed,” CEO Mark Zuckerberg today admitted that the new terms weren’t cool and promised to make a new agreement that grants each user immunity from the marketing strategy of whatever huge company he eventually sells the site to.
FRIDAY FEB. 20
Whether they’re watching high school sports, playing cornhole or getting into fights with family members, there’s no color that Elder graduates would rather wear than purple. That’s why local funeral home Ralph Meyer & Deters now offers a purple casket for die-hard Elder fans to rest their bodies in after they die.
The Enquirer today described the new Elder casket, complete with Panther logo and official purple lid, that sells for $4,950 and includes embalming, burial hole and pillows for the funeral. Though there are currently no plans to develop custom caskets for other area high schools, Funeral Director Terry Deters said that for $1,950 he’ll wrap St. X grads in a blue and white blanket and toss them in the Ohio River.
SATURDAY FEB. 21
The Enquirer today continued its recent run of fearless journalism, accompanying a local police department on a sweet bust of trademark counterfeiters at local flea markets. The Monroe Police Department’s latest target was Treasure Aisles (formerly Turtlecreek), which yielded a bounty of fake Nikes and handbags selling way below market value. Detectives say they’re proud to bust flea market vendors for taking money from hard-working designer apparel executives during a recession and noted that there will be plenty of great deals at the soon-to-open Cincinnati Prime Outlets, which had nothing to do with the bust.
SUNDAY FEB. 22
Those of us who had little luck in college wooing girls from the Tri Delta sorority were quite pleased to find out today that the Miami University chapter has been suspended for two years. (Laugh it up, ladies! Who’s not going to homecoming now?!?) The Enquirer reported that a Jan. 29 hazing incident has led to a two-year suspension of the Tri Delts, who can no longer operate their fundraising car washes and tiki parties on campus. Miami wouldn’t provide details about the hazing, which is a common rite of passage for rich kids and athletes that normally involves sexual embarrassment or eating gross stuff, but National Tri Delta President Jackye Clark said it’s not fair that college women get punished for doing the same things that high school boys do in the cafeteria every day.
MONDAY FEB. 23
The U.S. isn’t just the world’s biggest consumer of
hamburgers, pizza and cheese sticks oil, plastic and Chinese goods; we also use the hell out of some diamonds. But The New York Times reported today that worldwide diamond sales are way down, largely due to a combination of De Beers losing its complete control of the commodity and rich American dudes losing too much from their 401k accounts to buy diamonds and Lexus cars for their wives for Christmas. The long-term outlook for diamond companies and their third-world miners is good, however, as the diamond market is expected to reemerge once the American economy recovers or the world runs out of new diamonds in 20 years, whichever comes first.
TUESDAY FEB. 24
While Hamilton County Sheriff Simon Leis lays off deputies and warns Cincinnatians of the pending armed robberies and beatings that will ensue if the Justice Center keeps letting inmates free, a perfectly good correctional facility in Camp Washington has extra beds. But The Enquirer today reported that it’s not so simple: The state-run River City Correctional Center, which has had vacancy all year, can only house convicted felons who are in treatment, not marijuana smokers or people waiting six months for their trial. River City administrators say the inmates can’t be mixed because they’re like apples and oranges (that hate each other), but Leis argued that many of the apples are bad and will chop your head off if you drive an SUV downtown.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org