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Feeling No Pain, Limping Back and Downloading Forever

By Mike Breen · February 18th, 2009 · Minimum Gauge

Music = Anesthetic?

Put down the morphine: A recent study from Glasgow's Caledonian University says that music can make you feel less pain and stand pain for longer periods of time. Researchers say there is no particular genre that is most soothing; the music is generally that which the subjects claim as their favorite. The study involved dunking the subjects’ hands in very cold water and asking them to keep it submerged as long as they could take it (though, through these means, didn’t they also “discover” that people also pee their pants when listening to their favorite music?).

Researchers believe music creates a distraction from the pain. One thing they’ve yet to figure out — what if music is the cause of pain? Should I just have some Rolling Stones on stand-by to blare every time a Jimmy Buffett song comes on the radio? (Oh, and to anyone in the medical profession taking care of us after a severe and painful accident — give us the drugs, please; we’ll listen to our jams on our own time, thank you very much.)

Limping Back

Speaking of pain, it’s hard to say which of these headlines is more painful: “Limp Bizkit to reunite for new album and world tour” or “(Joaquin) Phoenix says ‘no turning back’ on quitting acting.” Because we think Joaquin is either joking or on a lot of illicit drugs (either way — fun!), we’re going with the Limp Bizkit news, which probably excited tens of hundreds of fans worldwide.

It’s the biggest music news since Ugly Kid Joe got back together.

The Rap/Metal band — which has been gone for eight years, but is still second to only Britney Spears when it comes to music-related punchlines — said, in a statement, that they were more disgusted by “the state of heavy popular music” than they were with each other. We feel the exact opposite.

RIAA Youth

Have we learned nothing from the “Just Say No” campaign? Nine times out of 10, if you tell a kid not to do something, he or she is going to be more inclined to at least try it. When it comes to downloading music (illegally), most kids have already accepted it as a way of life. Enter the Recording Industry Association of American – known as both protector of artists’ rights and prosecutor of music fans of all ages. One of the RIAA’s latest one-step-behind projects designed to make everyone pay for music involves an in-school program called “Music Rules!” (always on the cutting edge of slang, those RIAA folks). The program is intended to educate kids about copyright and intellectual property, aimed at young music fans (from grades 3 through 8 that may be “unaware of the fact that they may be breaking the law by illegally downloading, ripping and burning songs.”

Among the program’s activities: students are asked to create and copyright their own original songs (after which they are punched in the face and told their song will be used for free by Volkswagen in their next ad campaign – “How’s it feel, punks!”) and, just like abstinence pledges, students are asked to sign a “pledge certificate,” promising to “respect all forms of intellectual property.” The new program also appears to coin a new term: “Songlifting.” It’s pretty good stuff, from a propaganda standpoint; scare-tactics include informing kids that “songlifters can get other people in trouble by sharing illegal music” and “songlifters can get computer viruses when they illegally download online.” Illegal downloading also causes cooties.

Alas, there’s no number to call to rat out your criminal friends or parents who dare to spend money on food instead of the new Nickelback album.



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