WEDNESDAY FEB. 4
A day after Republican cliché Joe the Plumber sat in on the Conservative Working Group’s weekly strategy meeting in Washington, D.C., the AP released a pun-filled story detailing the working man’s advice for the politicians. The AP reported that the “King of the Commode” thinks the government should just cut its bills like normal people and that Republicans aren’t kicking enough ass these days. Though his attendance was likened to a Republican “pipe dream” by the bored news reporters, many in attendance said it was good to get the perspective of a regular Joe even if his name isn’t really Joe. Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.), who invited the unlicensed plumber, said they weren’t going to do anything he said and they really just liked the way he talks because curse words make them laugh.
THURSDAY FEB. 5
The familiar sound of “Waaah! Waaah! Waaah!” was heard coming from Cincinnati’s Catholic Churches today, but instead of a baby crying because it thought it was being drowned in a scary old building it was Archbishop Daniel Pilarczyk crying because UC students were laughing about sex. The Enquirer reported that Pilarczyk is way offended by the university’s sex week, a collection of events organized by the UC Wellness Center to educate students on safe sex and encourage the pleasuring of oneself in order to avoid awkward dates and long drink lines at bars. Pilarczyk said the program is disturbing and shouldn’t fall under the university’s liberal elitist guise of “academic freedom” because it refused to include his abstinence lecture, “The Risk of Roofie and the Grossness of Gays.”
FRIDAY FEB. 6
With everyone and their grandma seeking federal bailout money these days, Mayor Mark Mallory today included a request for $4 million for a border protection building at Lunken Airport.
The Enquirer called and asked him what the hell that meant, later reporting that the proposed Lunken facility — a standalone customs building equipped with security features just like a real airport — qualifies for bailout funding because it’s a “shovel-ready” project. Administrators say the facility could also check international arrivals via railroad, highway or river and will be useful when Cincinnati’s Banks project becomes shovel-ready and then is built and attracts visitors.
SATURDAY FEB. 7
Desperate times call for desperate measures. That’s why all U.S. Senators had to come to work on a Saturday to find a compromise on President Obama’s giant stimulation bill. Moderate Republicans, only two of whom were needed to sign off on the bill and pass it onto the House-argument stage,
reportedly chipped $100 billion off the bill today before agreeing to sign it. Senate Democrats said that all wasn’t lost, however, as both sides took a big step toward understanding how middle-class workers feel when they have to come in on a Saturday because their boss can’t get all his work done by the end of the day Friday.
SUNDAY FEB. 8
Many of Kentucky´s counties choose not to sell alcohol, with hopes of preventing the Dukes of Hazzard-like shenanigans that often ensue when country-folk get all hopped up on grandpa´s cough medicine. But Kentucky´s 30 counties that do sell beer, liquor and wine are about to cut off the tax revenue that all the dry counties are currently receiving from the state’s alcohol sales. Rep. Steve Riggs (D-Louisville), who sponsored a measure to keep alcohol taxes in alcohol-selling counties, said it´s no big deal if people in Paducah don´t like the way beer tastes but that Louisville needs the tax revenue to replace all the stuff its citizens break when they´re drunk on whiskey.
MONDAY FEB. 9
When we at WWE! read the headline “Slump Continues at SE Ind. Casinos,” we were first inclined to feel sorry for all the gamblers because we know how quickly the craps table can go cold. But then we read the story, which actually described how southeast Indiana’s three casinos are making less money off people losing their money because people don’t have any money to waste. Argosy, Grand Victoria and Belterra casinos made only $53.6 million off their
rigged card games and seizure-inducing lights and noises exciting table games and cleverly themed slot machines, which was 13 percent less than last January. The situation has been likened by casino executives to the part of Tombstone where Val Kilmer’s character can’t stop sweating and no one wants to play poker with him.
TUESDAY FEB. 10
Thousands of sports reporters took a break from ripping Alex Rodriguez a new ass today in order to spend some time alone in their cubicles with Sports Illustrated’s latest swimsuit edition. The 2009 edition of SI’s slow-news-month special edition featured the classically beautiful Bar Refaeli on the cover, pictured standing in some water and pushing one side of her string bikini down as if she was taking it off because sports fans make her super hot. The issue also included pretty racecar driver Danica Patrick, who laid on a car in a black bathing suit, and a double-dose of women in body-paint swimsuits, which editors called the “magic-eye photos” of the swimsuit edition.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org