WEDNESDAY JAN. 28
The Republican National Committee is looking for a new leader after
squandering its power faster than an American car company unforeseen war failures and recession led to the loss of dozens Congressional seats and the White House over the last four years. The Enquirer today reported that local Republican Ken Blackwell believes himself to be best suited for the chairman’s role, as he’s an “authentic” conservative who has social networking experience (4,000 Facebook friends) and the intimidation factor (as the owner of seven guns). To prove his point, Blackwell reportedly set up a conference call with RNC leaders and sang Eminem’s “The Real Slim Shady” but changed all the parts about being a white rapper to being a black Republican.
THURSDAY JAN. 29
Even though today’s economic recession is causing bizarro worldesque pricing flip-flops (when gas goes down beer goes up?) The Enquirer reported today that giant burritos are holding their place in Americans’ budgets. Chipotle Mexican Grill, which has used fake art, purposely dirty-looking floors and increasingly friendly animal slaughtering tactics (along with a ban on awesome local newsmagazines) to increase sales since it opened in 1993, will bring four more stores to the area this year. Chipotle executives released a statement praising their organization’s staying power during a recession and guaranteed that anyone who’s ever pooped their pants after eating a barbacoa burrito should give the dish another shot because they made some changes to it.
FRIDAY JAN. 30
A day after a national survey determined that most of America dislikes Cincinnati as much as those of us who live here, Mayor Mark Mallory came out and said, “Naw man, that survey ain’t right.” Only 13 percent of the 2,260 people surveyed said they’d like to live in Cincinnati, placing the Queen City 28th out of 30 cities, only ahead of fellow-dying Midwestern towns Cleveland and Detroit.
Mallory said he didn’t believe the survey results because Cincinnati’s population is finally growing again and likened the situation to an episode of Family Feud where neither family could figure out the most popular answer to “Name something a woman might leave a lipstick on” because the people in California who answered the survey were pervs.
SATURDAY JAN. 31
We at WWE! often celebrate our accomplishments by puffin’ a little cheeba (after the “Jesse Jackson/Reggie Jackson incident of ’08” we smoked some ganja in honor of our own cleverness).
That’s why we were honored that swimmer Michael Phelps celebrated his eight Olympic gold medals by hitting the peace pipe with some of his buds in South Carolina. But Phelps soon had his buzz harshed by a British tabloid, which printed a photo of the 23-year-old hitting the bong at a college party. Phelps today acknowledged that it was indeed filled with the sticky icky but said he only smoked it because his friends were listening to Dave Matthews and it made him want to die.
SUNDAY FEB. 1
Gov. Ted Strickland got out the state’s checkbook last week and found some bad news for Ohio’s budget: It’s $7.3 billion in the hole. Strickland said today that he’s going to use all of the state’s “rainy day” fund in his new two-year budget and he hopes it’ll become balanced after the addition of $3.4 billion in federal stimulus money. The rainy day fund, which is Ohio’s version of the nest egg Kentucky keeps in case people stop buying cigarettes and whiskey, is worth $1.02 billion and will help close the budget gap without raising taxes. A Strickland aide said that $950 million will go straight into the budget, with $63 million to Medicaid and whatever’s left to be invested in Ken Griffey Jr. rookie cards with hopes of him having a bounce-back season.
MONDAY FEB. 2
Comcast Cable gave some of its Arizona sports fans a superdose of sexiness during this year’s Super Bowl, and it wasn’t the typical cheerleader coverage or beer commercials that normally accompany pro sports broadcasts. This year thousands of Tucson viewers saw hardcore pornography right after Arizona scored the go-ahead touchdown with two minutes left in the game. KVOA-TV today said it was “dismayed and disappointed” that the station’s game coverage crossed the fine line between mild female objectification and graphic sex acts that the NFL had successfully walked since the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders traded their belt buckles for short shorts in 1991. While complaints were largely made by female viewers, the station said that many straight men also called to say that watching porn around other dudes at their Super Bowl parties made them feel gay.
TUESDAY FEB. 3
Those of us who supplement our incomes with
not-so-legal body rubs out-of-state freelance work might not know much about the tax filing guidelines for such endeavors (can other states audit you?). But some of Obama’s latest administration picks don’t either, the most recent of which is former Sen. Tom Daschle, who today removed himself from consideration for Secretary of Health and Human Services after reports surfaced of his failure to pay more than $120,000 in taxes. Obama’s steadfast support wasn’t enough to sway the Senate Finance Committee, which determined that the task of reforming America’s health care system is too difficult for a person who doesn’t even know how to use H&R Block’s Web site.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org