THURSDAY JAN. 22
Fifth Third Bancorp shares hit an 18-year low today, furthering confidence in our “good neighbor” bank and economy as a whole. Bloomberg reported that the bank was hurt by commercial real-estate loans it gave people in Florida and Michigan and numerous losses associated with other bad investments. When asked how this estimable local fixture will improve performance and make its stocks more valuable than used Super Nintendo games, Chief Executive Kevin Kabat replied: “I’m not Barney Frank, and I don’t know. But bringing Wayne Brady back for another ad campaign and having a three-martini lunch certainly couldn’t hurt.”
FRIDAY JAN. 23
The Enquirer reported today that Butler County residents have apparently been too busy whittling and writing charters for their militias to spend enough money to generate an adequate sales tax revenue. Retail sales tax revenues from October, which the county just received, were 3 percent lower than expected, and the county was already expecting a $7 million shortfall due to Butler County Sheriff/Immigrant Hater Richard K. Jones’ cockamamie schemes like visiting the Mexican border in person and then YouTubing about it.
If consumers continue to spend less money, Jones is expected to start selling T-shirts depicting a sombrero with a circle around it and a line through it to help bridge the widening budget gap.
SATURDAY JAN. 24
In a plotline eerily similar to an episode of Fox’s hilarious 1991 sitcom Drexell’s Class, Ohio school principals are urging students and parents not to fake the funk on a nasty dunk when it comes to skipping school during the first week of February. According to The Enquirer, attendance records for this crucial week (and one in October) can negatively impact state school funding because the state bases its funding on these two weeks’ “average daily membership.” Districts like Sycamore and Batavia have sent out letters asking parents who might be too hungover to roust Junior to personally deliver doctor’s excuses to the school in advance.
SUNDAY JAN. 25
Although Kentucky Lottery Corp.’s profits were high in the first half of the year, it’s projected they’ll fall several million dollars short of expectations when donating money to the Bluegrass state’s treasury. Not even the Deal or No Deal instant tickets featuring Howie Mandel’s handsome face have helped. Rumor has it Mandel will make appearances at local gas stations dressed as his character in Little Monsters to help get people out and buying stuff. The folks who get paid to do the thinking believe lottery sales are down because people are more concerned about getting bread and eggs than “Dreamin’ of Dollars” instant tickets. One proposed solution is to make the scratch-off substance on each ticket Scratch n’ Sniff so even players who fail to match their numbers would still be pleased by the salubrious scent of teriyaki beef jerky or Little Debbie snack cakes.
MONDAY JAN. 26
The perception that local parks are full of creepy old sex fiends has been given more credence today thanks to three men who were arrested on public indecency charges in Mt. Airy Forest. Each was arrested in an unrelated incident involving exposing oneself and masturbating in front of undercover officers. In a related story, “Disc Golf: A Family Sport,” which
washed up sports reporter Pulitzer-quality journalist Isaac Thorn had previously considered pitching as a cover story idea to CityBeat, has been postponed indefinitely.
TUESDAY JAN. 27
Ohio Bureau of Workers Compensation employee Jeff Adkins got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, and by cookie jar we mean the front of his unzipped pants. An investigation into Adkins’ work area, which was brought on because he logged more time on the Internet than most workers and had asked for a cubicle with more privacy (ew, ew, ew) resulted in his abrupt resignation. Adkins earned $97,046 annually, which analysts suggest would be enough money to get real women to do the things he was watching them do on the Internet in real life. Reports suggest that Adkins’ chair at the old office remains at his now vacant cubicle, though it’s less likely a sign of his possible return than proof that none of his former coworkers are willing to deconstruct and/or touch it.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: firstname.lastname@example.org
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