WEDNESDAY JAN. 14
President-elect Barack Obama hasn’t even been given the keys to the White House yet, but he’s already saved one American industry from recession: gun sellers. The Enquirer reported today that gun enthusiasts nationwide are so afraid that Obama and the Democrat-controlled Congress will take away their freedom to own assault rifles, magazines that hold more than six rounds and other war-style home defense tools that they’re buying out local gun shops. Local shop owners expressed disappointment that manufacturers are totally out of AK-47s, AR-15s and many types of bullets, as demand this year surpassed even the second half of 1999 when people thought Y2K might cause the Apocalypse and they’d have to defend themselves from God or the Devil.
THURSDAY JAN. 15
There’s nothing like trying to figure out how to kill a new animal, so those of us who were smart enough to stock up on guns back when Obama won the Democratic primary (we might be liberal, but we ain’t stupid!) were super psyched today to hear that Kentucky has decided bears are fair game. According to the AP, bears moved out of the state about 100 years ago due to over-hunting and habitat loss but are now slowly coming back, so Kentucky lawmakers have determined that putting them in their place (Hell/Virginia) is the appropriate response. The Humane Society has argued that the state’s 130 to 350 bears are too few to sustain a hunt and that it is hypocritical to hunt an animal that taught humans so much about fire safety.
FRIDAY JAN. 16
President Bush gave his much-anticipated farewell speech today, surprising many by focusing on facts rather than the made-up stories his advisors have been telling him every morning while he eats his Apple Jacks and reads the back of the cereal box. The outgoing president mostly spoke about 9/11 and the fact that America never got attacked again, but he also said it sucked that his life never got back to normal after the attack, which caused him to miss his daughter’s college graduation and two seasons of The Amazing Race.
Bush aides say the speech was a backup he chose over his normal Rove-style speech and was only used because Bush said the first one “don’t make no sense,” but that he was actually talking about an apple orchard maze that he couldn´t find the end of.
SATURDAY JAN. 17
The AP reported today that proponents of abstinence-only sex education are worried that their $176 million in federal funding is going to go the way of the
Southern pregnant teenager dodo bird once Barack Obama takes over. The AP reported today that Obama and other Congressional Democrats favor “comprehensive sex education,” which is a collection of programs that reduce teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases by acknowledging that normal people have sex before marriage. Abstinence supporters say they´ll look to anti-science states like Georgia for help with funding but that they’re particularly worried about Obama´s proposed “$500 Promise” program, which asks high school students to promise not to have sex until he or she has saved $500 to pay for an abortion.
SUNDAY JAN. 18
We at WWE! haven´t made a big deal about The Enquirer stealing our format and trying to make light of the news that it pays its reporters so little to find. But today those dorks crossed the line with their latest installment of “Week in Review” — a feature that started trying to be funny about a month after Worst Week Ever! first reported that The Enquirer sucks. Today´s edition proved that Gannett’s lack of humor knows few bounds, as one of its layoff-dodgers wrote a top-10 list of pervy things that parents think of when they find naked photos of teenagers on their kids’ cell phones. Among the sick hypothetical jokes included were “I’m guessing that touch screen gets touched a lot” and “Now, that´s caller ID.” The Hamilton County Department of Family Services called the list inappropriate and said that if reporters must make jokes they should start with punchlines about Margaret Buchanan´s haircut.
MONDAY JAN. 19
With young people totally consumed by their iPhones and their Internets and their movies on demand, one global company has managed to totally blow one of today’s few means for making money during a recession. According to a geeky Web site called Information Week, cell phone producer Sony Ericsson posted a loss of $245 million in the fourth quarter of 2008, largely because its phones are high-end models that people don’t need yet. Ericsson’s rivals still have flip phones and other cheap models they can sell in China, which have kept them afloat during America’s temporary spending restraint. The company said it predicts continued losses in the short term but that projects like the breath-powered Internet phone and the no-button static electricity cameraphone should be in by 2010.
TUESDAY JAN. 20
Very little happened in the world today, from what we at WWE! gathered from our international headquarters on Race Street. A brief glance at the Internet found numerous white dudes arguing over who’s going to win the Super Bowl and the usual local coverage of poor people getting arrested, businesses closing and sports teams losing. A large crowd was reported in Washington D.C. for a parade or protest or something, and Tom Cruise said he always wanted to kill Hitler and then he got in a fight with a Rock singer. Slow news days are boring.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: email@example.com
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