Those of us who have been wondering what ever happened to the criminal charges brought against us months ago for being way too good at body rubs were happy to find out today that they might be gone forever. The Enquirer reported that a former bailiff is accused of taking bribes to delay cases until they´re no longer prosecutable, which takes 270 days after an arrest or 90 days in jail, and now people are demanding that their charges be dropped in accordance. The situation has been likened to the episode of Night Court where the dumb guy threw away a docket to make the pervy white guy look dumb in front of a woman but the sassy black lady made him feel bad about it.
THURSDAY JAN. 8
The unregulated lending industry and poorly designed car companies aren’t the only entities deserving of taxpayer bailout money, according to porn seller/former Cincinnati resident Larry Flynt. A gossipy Web site called TMZ today reported that Flynt is calling on Congress to give the porn industry $5 billion to help offset last year’s reduced DVD sales and fewer people ordering “Girls Gone Wild” videos late at night.
Flynt pointed out that America’s porn creators, unlike the auto industry, haven’t fallen behind Japanese and German smut and that Hustler’s Nailin Paylin movie is going to be the hybrid car of porn.
FRIDAY JAN. 9
We at WWE! seldom pay our student loans on time. But that doesn’t keep us from qualifying for sweet credit lines from Best Buy or getting cable TV without putting down a deposit. But those of us whose loans are through Fifth Third Bank had better re-evaluate our deals (or find someone who understands what all those numbers mean). The Enquirer today reported that Fifth Third has allegedly violated federal laws by paying other companies to give them loans that future English majors would be forced to pay back for the rest of their lives.
The bank said any money it paid other companies was only for the purchase of the loans and that getting seniors to take on a little extra debt for spring break is more of a service than a crime because it’s worth it.
SATURDAY JAN. 10
William C. Ford Jr. is a smart guy. That’s why even though Ford Motor Co. is taking huge hits on the stock market and mass grief for using country music artists as its spokespersons the company has given the go-ahead to Project M — the development of a battery-powered prototype in just six months. “Frankly, I think it’s a gamble not to do it,” said Ford, who is known among friends to enjoy pouring Sparks energy beer into Wendy’s cups and then driving the newest Mustang model as fast as it will go. Insiders say the electric car was a more cost-effective option than Ford’s first idea, which was to rebuild a DeLorean and go back in time to 1985 when the company should have made an electric car.
SUNDAY JAN. 11
People in New York are none-too-happy about Gov. David Paterson’s proposed “obesity tax” on carbonated beverages, and it’s not just construction workers and extreme athletes who are mad about it. An industry publication called Convenience Store News reported today that the beverage industry is alarmed by the tax, which would increase the sales tax on many non-diet drinks to 26 percent. Sparkling juice company owner Liz Morrill has argued that taxing her all-natural juice mixtures is horseshit because they have fewer calories and sugar than Tropicana orange juice, which tastes like it has nickels in it anyway. Morrill added that demonizing carbonation isn’t going to stop New Yorkers from getting fat off pizza and that Snapple isn’t good for you either.
MONDAY JAN. 12
If you were to find a dead pirate´s body washed up on shore, would you (a) tell a UN boat that you found a scary dead international criminal, (b) take his treasure map and go on an exciting adventure in Somalia looking for gold or (c) check his pockets for cash? The AP today reported that the correct answer is (c) and that the most recent pirate to drown after securing ransom money washed ashore with $153,000 in his pocket. Authorities say that such losses are unlikely to deter pirates from continuing to hijack ships. “The loss or potential loss of the ransom means the pirates will be more keen to get the next ransom in,” said one expert. “Let´s just hope they don´t start securing ziplines like Johnny Depp did in Pirates of the Caribbean. Goddam, I hate that movie.”
TUESDAY JAN. 13
Just months after successfully F-ing a Minnesota-based gambling company in the B, Argosy Casino’s parent company is making plans to try to legalize gambling in Ohio under better conditions for itself. Penn National Gaming, which spent $38 million to defeat a ballot initiative that would have brought $700 million in annual taxes and thousands of cocktail waitress jobs to Ohio, now says that opening a few gaming parlors and putting slot machines inside racetracks will help the state’s budget and lure faster horses to Ohio to make the racing more exciting. Gov. Ted Strickland, who’s generally opposed casino gambling, is softening to the idea, but most believe it’s because his 2009 budget looks like a really bad homework assignment with red marks all over it and an “F” at the top that stands for “Fucked.”
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org
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