The year 2008 was full of many newsworthy events. But of all the stories deserving of
contempt, ridicule and childish mockery increased investigation and thoughtful reflection this year, none was more so than the race to become America’s 44th president.
Though our collective attention was often fractured by the local media’s coverage of poor people getting arrested, ongoing debates over casinos, gay rights and cigarettes, national issues like housing market crashes, credit crunches and billion-dollar bailouts and America’s increasingly diminished standing among the international community, we at WWE! were lucky enough to have a public medium to express our feelings about such issues and enough Internet access to look up the stuff we didn’t know anything about. It was a pretty great year for making fun of the news.
Nevertheless, the story of 2008 was the election of Barack Obama, and the following is a recap of the most important happenings, as reported by Worst Week Ever!
SATURDAY APRIL 5
Caving to pressure from the Obama campaign, Hillary Clinton today decided to disclose just how rich she and her husband are by making their recent tax returns available to the public. According to the AP, the Clintons earned $20.4 million last year and more than $109 million since 2000, with most of the income from Bill’s really expensive motivational speeches. The Obamas were quick to divulge their measly $1 million in 2006 earnings to prove how middle class they are, but Hillary just laughed and said she could write a book in a single weekend and make more than that.
WEDNESDAY JUNE 4
A day after all but securing the Democratic nomination for president, Barack Obama celebrated at a Minnesota rally by unveiling a youthful display of affection for his wife: the fist bump. Popular among young people and Rap music enthusiasts, the fist bump confused TV news stations but tickled the liberal media, which called it the “fist bump of hope.” Analysts have largely praised the Obamas for being more real than the Clintons and Gores and went so far as to suggest that Barack pull John McCain in for a half-hug during pre-debate handshakes.
THURSDAY JUNE 26
John McCain attended a party at the Indian Hill mansion of Carl Lindner III today, but it was hardly a gracious and supportive event. According to The Enquirer´s analysis of easily-attainable public records, most of Cincinnati´s biggest Republican donors gave maximum donations to other Republicans during the primary, and Lindner III actually supported the campaigns of both Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee before accepting the old ass Arizona senator as the Republican nominee. A spokesperson for McCain said the candidate isn´t at all offended by the initial lack of support but that it was a little rude for the Lindners to ask him to show up dressed like Tom Cruise in Top Gun.
MONDAY JUNE 30
Barack Obama addressed one of the major issues of his presidential campaign today, explaining how he started wearing an American flag lapel so his patriotism will stop being challenged. Obama embraced the one-inch symbol of dedication to country during a speech in Independence, Mo., where he said he expects to never have his patriotism questioned again.
Obama admitted that it was careless of him to ignore the significance of a shiny American flag pin and assured supporters and undecided voters that he will keep extras in his suit jacket in case one breaks on the campaign trail. The decision was met with enthusiasm from Obama supporters, one of whom was reported to say, “McCain ain’t got shit on us now that we gots flag pins. I’ll stick that fucker in his eye.”
FRIDAY AUG. 1
A dispute has broken out between the Democratic and Republican parties over whether Barack Obama played the “race card” during a speech last week. The AP today described how quickly the John McCain campaign pointed out that Obama’s reference to “all those other presidents on those dollar bills” could refer only to white men and constitutes the playing of the “race card,” which is a figure of speech commonly used by white people to discredit issues that directly affect black people. The Obama campaign quickly issued a response to the allegation, admitting that he should have included coins in the currency metaphor because the U.S. put a Native American on one of those.
SUNDAY AUG. 3
John McCain’s newest attack ads on Barack Obama have pissed off at least one important voice in this year’s presidential election: Paris Hilton’s mom. The AP reported today that Kathy Hilton has not taken kindly to her daughter being included with Britney Spears in a McCain advertisement comparing Obama’s enthusiastic support to celebrity culture. Hilton called the ad “a complete waste of the money John McCain’s contributors have donated to his campaign,” but what she really meant was “stop making fun of my daughter with the $4,600 I donated to your campaign, you stupid asshole.” Analysts have expressed skepticism over the effectiveness of McCain changing his strategy from attacking Obama’s perceived weaknesses to simply calling him a slutty young woman but have noted that a similar strategy worked in 2000 when George Bush called McCain the gay Manchurian Candidate.
THURSDAY AUG. 28
Barack Obama gave his much-anticipated presidential nomination speech today and did so without using the words “black” or “African American.” Obama — who is biracial but looks mostly black — accepted the nomination on the 45th anniversary of when Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. — another black man — gave a great speech about racial inequality and why America’s phony declarations of freedom and opportunity should be challenged. Political analysts have determined that Obama’s deliberate omission of the designations for Americans whose ancestors trace back to Africa are evidence of his continued pandering to white voters, some of whom would only hear the speech on the radio and not know that he’s black.
FRIDAY AUG. 29
John McCain announced two things to the world today: (1) that he’s still a serious political maverick and (2) that a woman named Sarah Palin is the governor of Alaska. McCain’s choice of a relatively young woman as his vice presidential running mate has largely been seen as progressive by political analysts, who say that female voters are now faced with a tough ideological decision: whether to vote for the ticket that will allow them to decide what to do with their vaginas or the ticket that includes a person that actually has one. The nomination is also expected to give McCain another advantage with the angriest of the Hillary Clinton supporters, many of whom are scared of Joe Biden because he looks like the kind of guy who would beat a woman.
WEDNESDAY SEPT. 24
When John McCain heard about George Bush’s proposed $700 billion economic-help-out plan today, he said, “Hold it! America needs help from a maverick! I’m going to Washington!” and he postponed his presidential campaign and asked Barack Obama to do the same. Obama said he certainly would not and that a real president would simply do numerous things at once like Bush currently is with leading the war in Iraq, managing recession in America and making his Second Life avatar look like Barney the dog. Political analysts have largely considered the fake campaign cancellation to be a political maneuver, as McCain and Obama had earlier in the day spoke about releasing a joint statement of concern for the economy but it fell through when Obama tried to sign his name with “Big Money” in the middle and McCain got mad because he thought it was a joke about his wife.
WEDNESDAY OCT. 22
Vice presidential nominee/sassy maverick sidekick Sarah Palin last week unveiled numerous metaphorical characters who would benefit from a Republican administration. The AP reported today that during a rally in Grand Junction, Colo., Palin introduced “Tito the Builder,” “Phil the Bricklayer” and “Rose the Teacher” as three of the many hard-working cliches still in play for McCain Nov. 4. Palin reportedly ripped on Barack Obama´s tax plan and then dubbed him “Barack the Wealth Spender,” which prompted the Obama campaign to release a statement saying that “John the War Hero” and “Sarah the Female Candidate” are out of touch with “Pete the Young Person” and “Jane the Modern Woman.”
WEDNESDAY NOV. 12
(An excerpt from “Best Week Ever!: A thank-you note from the president-elect”) Without CityBeat none of this would have happened. I am humbled and honored to have earned your support, and I’m blessed by your kind words and dedication to community, service and ideals — plus your killer band listings — that have made this the greatest country on earth. Much has been said about our well-organized, grassroots campaign and the Internet and the thousands of supporters who use cell phones and iPods to communicate. But the secret from the very start was to have you, CityBeat, take the reigns of your liberal medium and pull us into the White House.
We have succeeded, and Michelle and I owe you many thanks.
P.S. What’s up with all these ads for body rubs?
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org