WEDNESDAY DEC. 17
Two local middle school students won a UC-sponsored stock market game for kids last week by investing their fake $100,000 in Under Armour athletic apparel. Over a 10-week period the students’ investment grew by 24 percent, which was good enough to beat the S&P 500’s performance by 42 percentage points. The exercise was meant to demonstrate
an investment strategy with little risk of sending America into a recession how the basics of the stock market work so rich kids can successfully grow their money after they grow up. When asked if they would consider investing their fake money in any other companies, the students said they'd consider gasoline futures but that diversifying is for dorks.
THURSDAY DEC. 18
Former Cincinnati Bearcats basketball coach Andy Kennedy visited town today to coach his new team in a game at US Bank Area, but instead of spending the previous night planning strategy or sleeping he decided to hang out at downtown bars like he still had Bob Huggins as a wingman. The Enquirer detailed the resultant criminal case against Kennedy, who was arrested around 1 a.m. and charged with assaulting a cab driver, and then published a photo of the alleged victim rubbing his cheek the next day as if it still hurt from the punch. Kennedy has since sued the cab driver and a witness for defamation of character, arguing that the punch was just a playful slap known in Clifton as the “Bearcat Backhand.”
FRIDAY DEC. 19
We at WWE! don’t know who should pay for schools; all we know is that health class at Northwest High School was a never-ending barrage of penis jokes. But today’s Enquirer headline “Who should pay for schools?” brought up a good point: If school funding is based on property taxes, does that mean that kids in Mason get better resources or are their parents unequally burdened by the educational needs of renters’ kids? This conundrum got us thinking, so we asked the only rich person we know, CityBeat Listings Editor Maija Zummo, who said that at Indian Hill she was the only one of her friends who didn’t have her own horse and that inequality sucks for everyone.
Hey gay people, y’all ain’t married no more. That’s what supporters of California’s Proposition 8 gay marriage ban said via a court filing today seeking to nullify the marriages that took place during this year’s brief window of equality. The filing was co-authored by Kenneth Nipple lover Starr — the guy who investigated President Clinton for acting like an extreme hetero in office — and argued that the new ban’s briefness is equaled by its clearness: no gay marriage. The filing concluded that Prop 8 “commands judges — as servants of the people — to bow to the will of those whom they serve, but not in a gay way.”
SUNDAY DEC. 21
It’s commonly understood that executives of bailed-out banks
totally sucked balls at their jobs last year were victims of unforeseeable housing surpluses and credit crunches in 2008. That’s why the 116 banks that received bailout money went ahead and awarded multi-million dollar compensation packages to the executives who oversaw their huge failures. The AP today detailed the awards, some of which included country club memberships and money for financial planners, but Rep. Brad Sherman (D-Calif.) said he disagreed with the payouts and compared the situation to the time his wife let their 16-year-old son borrow her Corolla after he wrecked Dad’s Corvette and then he wrecked the Corolla, too.
MONDAY DEC. 22
The Cincinnati Enquirer today took a break from the police blotter to report on an interesting contemporary trend in America called “home swapping.” The home swap, according to the understaffed daily paper, is the combination of two real estate transactions that results in people who can´t afford their house trading with people who don´t like theirs. Daniel Westbrook, CEO of HouseTrading.com, compared the situation to the 1970s sitcom The Jeffersons, except that a really screwed middle class family has to move on down in order for the Jeffersons to move up.
Some of us are hilarious when we’re drunk and welcome our shenanigans to be documented on film or tape. Others, notso-much. John Lennon is one of the former, according to the BBC, which today detailed the auctioning of a never-publiclyheard recording of Lennon singing someone else’s song drunk and changing around the words. Among the hilarious “slurred warbling” was the line “I wanna take all them new singers, Carol and the other one with the nipples, I wanna take ’em and hold ’em tight.” The tape went for $30,000 at an L.A. auction house, which said it would have been twice as much if Lennon had named the woman with the nipples or started singing about his own.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org