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Another Seven Days of Nice Sheriffs and Mean Protesters

By Danny Cross · December 17th, 2008 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY DEC. 10

It looks like the auto bailout plan is in big trouble, and The Los Angeles Times reported today that there is one group of people mainly to blame: the greedy workers who make American cars. Republicans who voted down the bailout are arguing that American car companies have failed against Japanese automakers due to years of disinterest in fuel efficiency and design the unfair wages and insurance premiums they provide their unionized workers, and they believe it´s necessary to take a stand against the United Auto Workers and the president who got half their colleagues voted out of office. The UAW has responded with harsh words for the Senators, promising to organize an even bigger grassroots effort against Republicans in 2010 if most of their members are out of work anyway.

THURSDAY DEC. 11

Butler County Sheriff Richard Jones today said that he won’t make his deputies evict people this winter if they have nowhere to go, but his newly compassionate stance is already causing controversy. Jones, who normally spends his free time trying to trick restaurant workers into admitting they’re illegal aliens, said that kicking people out in the cold is like serving a death sentence. Hamilton County Sheriff Simon Leis says Jones’ job is to follow the court’s orders and that even if his mother is served an eviction notice he should enforce it. Brian Herndy, president of the Greater Cincinnati Northern Kentucky Apartment Association, agrees with Leis, noting that he actually did kick his mom out of a place last winter because someone else put down a deposit before she renewed her lease.

FRIDAY DEC. 12

We at WWE! are often critical of The Enquirer’s court coverage — there are only so many puns that we think are funny.

But today the understaffed daily newspaper did us a favor by posting a surveillance photo of a guy who allegedly broke into our office and stole some of our stuff. Underneath the usual important headlines on The Enquirer’s super-slow Web site, like “Woman shot, dies” and “Cop punched, puncher arrested” sat the story “Did he break into City Beat?,” which described a report of a dude breaking into our office three times this year. To show our thanks, WWE! is offering Enquirer Publisher Margaret Buchanan a $50 reward if information from her readers leads to the recovery of our computers, cameras, action figures or the massage table that John Fox uses for “body rubs.”

SATURDAY DEC. 13

You have to give it to the Catholics. They might still be strict about their objections to stem cell research, cloning and giving the morning-after pill to rape victims, but they’re starting to come around on other scientific mutation stuff that can also help people. In its first published list of judgments since 1987, The Vatican’s today released a document titled “The Dignity of a Person,” which detailed the do’s and don’ts of scientific interference with God’s will. Among the Vatican’s latest concerns are vaccines prepared from aborted cells (OK but not ideal), in vitro fertilization (yucky and considerably illicit), petri dishes (FOR EXPERIMENTS ONLY!), condoms (uncomfortable), stem cells from a living embryo (gravely illicit) and cloning (high risk of clone enslavement/uprising).

SUNDAY DEC. 14

It’s one thing to call President Bush a monkey or to insinuate that he’s flicked his tongue at Press Secretary Dana Perino during news conferences, but to take off one’s shoes and throw them at the President of the United States is just uncool. But that’s exactly what happened while GW was in Baghdad today. According to the AP, an Egyptian TV correspondent took off his shoes and yelled in Arabic, “This is a farewell kiss, you dog!” and then chucked them at Bush during a news conference. Bush ducked both shoes and later said that the incident was a symbol of the country’s growing economic independence because they were made in Iraq.

MONDAY DEC. 15

The New York Post today described the story of Sondra Fortunato, a big-boobed middle-age lady who got kicked out of Giants Stadium on Sunday for dressing too sexy. The Giants say they kicked her out for violating other rules, but while she was detained with all the drunk dudes and freaks stadium officials asked her in the future to wear more clothing than fishnets, a Santa outfit, a bathing-suit bottom and high-heeled boots. When reached for comment Monday, a Giants spokesperson said it’s important for male spectators to look at the team’s cheerleaders and dancers if they want to see boobs because they’re paid $100 a game and deserve the attention.

TUESDAY DEC. 16

The AP today reported that mobs of young people in Greece are into their 10th day of smash-themed protesting of the government´s mishandling of economic, social and educational policies. Groups of protesters took over TV and radio stations across the country today, forcing them to broadcast anti-government messages and encourage even more rioting. Local reports suggest that the Xavier Greek Life student union attempted to join the cause, traveling to the 700 WLW studio in Kenwood but Bill Cunningham was standing outside with a sword so they decided against it.


CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com



 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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