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Another Seven Days of Bad Words and Good Candy

By Danny Cross · December 10th, 2008 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY DEC. 3
A local judge put the smack down last week after a defendant mumbled that it was bullshit that he’d have to stay in jail until his Feb. 2 court date. According to The Enquirer, Hamilton County Common Pleas Judge Robert Ruehlman thought that an alleged Northside Taliband gang member saying "bullshit" in his courtroom was actually bullshit itself, so he sentenced him to six months in jail no matter what happens at the trial. The additional penalty reportedly drew groans from the defendant’s friends and family in attendance, to which Ruehlman said sternly: “Don’t bring the streets into the courtroom” and noted how lavishly the court has been decorated relative to the homes on Blue Rock Road in Northside.

THURSDAY DEC. 4
A national group of atheists has sued the state of Kentucky for referencing God’s power in its recently created anti-terrorism laws. According to the AP, particularly worrisome to the non-believers is a clause added to a 2002 law that requires the Office of Homeland Security to hang up signs that say the state’s safety and security “cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon almighty God.” The atheists have argued that the reference to God — who is a Christian deity known for having a tremendous amount of power and a really bad temper — is unconstitutional and that Kentucky is oppressing all the people that think the U.S. government did 9/11.

FRIDAY DEC. 5
President Bush took to the podium today in front of a group of people that meets annually in Washington to talk about interesting topics like Middle East policy and how the Washington Nationals could possibly make the playoffs, and he said that while his policies haven’t worked out all that well that they’re really not all that bad. The AP detailed the speech, which included 11 mentions of Al Qaeda, six Iran references and a single use of “Barney the dog.” Bush said he’s sorry about the really crappy conditions he’ll be handing over to President-elect Obama, but when he said it he was flicking his tongue at Press Secretary Dana Perino, which made many in attendance think he didn’t really mean it.

SATURDAY DEC.

6
Barack Obama released another of his famous motivational YouTube videos today, promising to give everyone work to do even if it means construction jobs for everyone. According to The New York Times, the video was in response to the 533,000 more jobs that were lost in November, which brings the yearly total to more than 2 million. Obama´s idea is a reinvestment in national infrastructure projects that hasn’t been seen since the federal highway system was built in the 1950’s, but with an emphasis on schools and technological stuff. Many state leaders are already looking forward to starting projects that they only dreamed of under recent presidents, most of whom spent their infrastructure money rebuilding foreign cities that they smashed with the military.

SUNDAY DEC. 7
O.J. Simpson is a smart guy. You don’t get accepted into the NFL Hall of Fame, earn millions of dollars pitching car rental companies or get away with killing people you don’t like without being at least a little bit savvy. The Las Vegas Sun today reported that since being convicted for armed robbery Oct. 3 O.J. has utilized his likable personality and considerable resources by spending his money on Snickers bars for his fellow inmates. Simpson’s attorney says the former NFL star is already well adapted and has made wise choices regarding his snack orders: “The Juice has made the particularly intelligent choice of purchasing a widely available candy bar like the Snickers,” said attorney Gabriel Grasso. “When inmates start relying on obscure candies like Mr. Goodbar and JuJu Bees, bad things tend to happen.”

MONDAY DEC. 8
The world of science has answered another age-old question: Do our pet dogs have feelings? The answer is yes, and it turns out that those little bitches are sensitive as hell. A new study by the University of Vienna has proven that dogs are worthy of cameras constantly filming their babies significant attention and consideration because they have feelings too. By rewarding one dog in front of another dog who had done an equally impressive trick, researchers found that dogs indeed demonstrate a level of jealousy only previously thought to be present in primitive primates and really short men. The findings have excited the scientific community, which is expected to move onto studies involving wolf jealousy, feline impatience and chicken depression.

TUESDAY DEC. 9
It looks like the Big Three automakers are going to get their bailout money, but not unless they agree to change their SUV-making ways. The AP reported today that one condition of the $15 billion emergency loan is that Ford, Chrysler and GM will have to reinvent themselves into profitable entities like Volkswagen LLC and Christina Aguilera have. Overseeing the transformation will be a lone, presidentially chosen “Car Czar” with the power to take back the money if any of the three try to restrict hybrid research or use country music artists as their spokespersons.


CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com




 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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