WEDNESDAY NOV. 26
With a serious budget deficit looming and the option of taking away a 1996 tax credit from homeowners to reduce layoffs, Hamilton County Commissioners today said, “Um, no, we better not do that.” The Enquirer reported that the commissioners voted unanimously to continue giving back the credit, which grants 30 percent of the stadium sales tax proceeds to the homeowners who helped get the Reds and Bengals stadiums built. Last year the owner of a $100,000 home received a $70 credit, which commissioners note would have bought at least one ticket to either stadium and as many as 10 if you sat in the bleachers.
THURSDAY NOV. 27
Just when poor people were beginning to enjoy the extra cash we have thanks to cheap gasoline, McDonald’s went and raised the goddam price of a double cheeseburger. Reuters reported today that the classic double cheeseburger will be removed from the Dollar Menu and enter a higher tier of sandwiches in the $1.19 range. It’s also going to come with one less slice of cheese, which Greg Watson, McDonald’s vice president of U.S. marketing, said he told Chief Executive Officer Jim Skinner was a bad idea. Skinner reportedly said there was plenty of cheese on the sandwich and that Watson had better make a commercial with a basketball player eating it or he would be fired.
FRIDAY NOV. 28
A British newspaper today reported that a Chinese zoo has been forced to separate a couple of gay penguins from their group because the two males keep trying to steal eggs from the straight birds. Zookeepers at China’s Polar Land say the gay birds have a natural urge to look after some eggs every year even though they think it’s yucky to fertilize any themselves. Some experts have argued the gay males’ natural urge to raise babies proves that homosexuality is a natural occurrence and that the sitcom My Two Dads wasn’t as stupid as everyone thought.
While American car companies spend their time researching new business models that will get their bailout needs approved by Congress, German automaker Volkswagen is trying to figure out how to build its cars closer to all the Americans who want to buy them. The AP reported today that despite the poor American economy Volkswagen is moving ahead with plans for a $1 billion plant in Chattanooga, Tenn., and that VW is actually expanding the operation so it can make 100 cars per day instead of just 65. The plant is expected to employ about 2,000 people in Tennessee, many of whom are already mimicking the Jetta commercial where a car flirts with women in a German accent.
SUNDAY NOV. 30
Democratic insiders today spilled the beans on Barack Obama´s plan to nominate Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State, telling an AP reporter that she´d be included with Defense Secretary Robert Gates and retired Marine Gen. Jim Jones as part of his future national security team. Analysts were reluctant to believe the initial reports of Clinton´s consideration for a cabinet position due to the contentious Democratic primary and her insistence on answering her home phone at any hour of the night, but a source close to the situation explained that the nomination was actually made by one of Obama´s sexist advisors who thought the Secretary of State was a clerical position.
MONDAY DEC. 1
The Cincinnati Zoo today reneged on a cross-promotional deal with the Creation Museum after receiving numerous emails with subject lines that said: “WTF Zoo?” The Enquirer reported today that the zoo has canceled a promotion called “Two Great Attractions, One Great Deal,” which offered $25.95 admission to its Festival of Lights and the museum’s Christmas event called Bethlehem’s Blessing. Complainers cited the zoo’s public funding and the Creation Museum being owned by
anti-science freaks a private party as reasons against the cooperation, and at least one person left a voicemail worried that the zoo will start putting saddles on animals like the museum does with dinosaurs.
TUESDAY DEC. 2
Killing deers with a gun is freakin’ easy. That’s why newspaper columnist Dick Martin of The Chillicothe Gazette today gave out pointers for those of us who get bored sitting in a stand and capping giant, slow moving animals all day. Martin suggests that in order to make killing deers more fun this season — which ends Dec. 7, so get on it! — some of us should try “ground hunting,” a practice made popular by the cartoon character Elmer Fudd whose hunts often resulted in challenging adventures and comedy. Martin says that making your own bow and arrows is a challenging alternative to sniping deers with high-tech crossbows but that a real man would shoot it only once and then fight it to the death.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org