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Another Seven Days of Free Terrorists and New GNR

By Danny Cross · November 26th, 2008 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY NOV. 19
We at WWE! don’t always try our best. But our journalistic indifference results in harmless poop jokes and curse words, unlike Cincinnati Enquirer reporters, whose bad sense of humor often results in the public embarrassment of poor people. Today’s edition of The Enquirer’s court coverage (which can be found under the “Busted!” tab on the newspaper’s super slow Web site) was of public interest because a Colerain woman gave high school kids alcohol. But the really funny part was that she likes to drink trashy stuff like vodka mixed with lemonade. Sources inside the understaffed daily paper say an intern earned high praise from Publisher Margaret Buchanan by further mocking the woman by calling vodka and lemonade the “Colerain Cosmo.”

THURSDAY NOV. 20
Representatives for Detroit’s Big Three automakers were in Washington today asking for some bailout money before they have to lay off thousands of workers, but Congress was reluctant to bust out the checkbook just yet. According to the AP, Congressional leaders shot down — or at least postponed — a $25 million bailout plan for General Motors, Ford and Chrysler that would help the American automakers keep making cars until the economy picks up. High-ranking Democrats, largely unused to having such authority, said they first want to see a sound business plan and said it needs to include documentation of GM’s 2009 Hummer pickup truck being used in practical situations.

FRIDAY NOV. 21
Everyone knew that the election of Barack Obama was going to mean fewer civil liberties, higher taxes and a less safe America. But even those of us who preferred the old dude and the Alaska lady are surprised at today’s news of a federal judge ordering the release of terrorists from Guantanamo Bay.

The AP reported today that five Algerians were set free due to a lack of credible evidence from the one accuser who got them all imprisoned indefinitely. U.S. District Judge Richard J. Leon said the definition of “enemy combatant” needs to be more specific and that he’s super annoyed at whoever detained half the Jordanian soccer team.

SATURDAY NOV. 22
Joe the Plumber is about to have a new and cooler nickname: “Joe the Publisher Author.” The Los Angeles Times today reported that Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, the random dude who John McCain turned into a celebrity during the presidential campaign, is set to release a book called Joe the Plumber: Fighting for the American Dream on Dec. 1. The memoir is being published by PearlGate Publishing, a small company in Austin, Tex., that’s planned an entire series based on the hardworking stereotypes that were going to have their taxes lowered by the McCain-Palin administration. The next scheduled release in the series, titled Rose the Teacher: Where My Life Went Wrong, will be released Jan. 15.

SUNDAY NOV. 23
Butler County Sheriff Rick Jones sent President-elect Barack Obama a letter last week reminding him that even though he has a million things to do before officially taking office Jan. 20 that Butler County should be on his radar, too. Jones, known locally for his weekly reality show modeled after Dog the Bounty Hunter, said in the letter that Mexican drugs and border violence have caused Southwestern-style mire to spread all the way to Ohio. Jones implored Obama to keep Hamilton and Middletown’s problems in mind as he works on the recession, wars and health care and said that if he has to shut down any more chicken factories in Fairfield Obama can expect to receive a much harsher letter along with a bill.

MONDAY NOV. 24
Finally, someone is directing some good ol’ fashioned American anger toward a nation that deserves it (Toby Keith, shut the fuck up!!!). Guns N’ Roses’ new album, Chinese Democracy, came out over the weekend and really gave it to the giant Communist nation for not letting its people be free. Reports out of China’s state-run newspaper today suggest that government is pretty mad about it, especially the part in the title track where Axl Rose sings, “If your Great Wall rocks, blame yourself.” A spokesman for the secretive government said: “This band’s diminished cultural relevance and the 14 years it took to record one album do little to soften the blow of this sarcastically titled album. As such, GNR will be forever banned in China, even at sporting events.”

TUESDAY NOV. 25
The Cincinnati Enquirer today reported that walking is becoming more popular these days, thanks to suburban communities´ investments in cement walking paths along the sides of roads. These planned walking paths, called “sidewalks,” allow residents to travel on foot and occasionally socialize with other walkers, giving the community the nostalgic feeling of the 19th century when sidewalks were created to separate buildings from streets. Planners say that sidewalks also help generate economic growth because Young Professionals like to walk places and they´re the only people who have money these days.


CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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