WEDNESDAY NOV. 12
A Catholic church in South Carolina has some new rules for its parishioners who voted for Barack Obama for president: They have to tell God they’re sorry before taking communion again. The AP today reported that the Rev. Jay Scott Newman of St. Mary’s in Greenville handed out letters to each of his parishioners on Sunday, reminding them that voting for an abortionrights supporter is like helping the Devil kill babies. The letter stated: “He who conspires with intrinsic evil like pro-choice politicians subjects his soul to the super harsh judgment of divine law. A sacrament of penance and subsequent $50 donation to the church is in order before one may again grub on the body and blood of Jesus.”
THURSDAY NOV. 13
The Enquirer today reported bad news for those of us who enjoy driving out to Kenwood Towne Centre and sifting through the sale racks to find stylish clothes we can afford. The local mall’s parent company, Chicago’s General Growth Properties, says that it might have to file bankruptcy if it can’t refinance more than $1 million in debt. The company, which also owns Florence Mall, says the credit crunch is hurting its business from both ends and that if The Gap can’t sell enough argyle crewneck sweaters to pay its rent next month there’s no way Florence’s UK Wildcat apparel sales will make up the difference.
FRIDAY NOV. 14
Nebraska officials are rushing to revise the state´s recently created and completely abused safe haven law before more teenagers can be given the old “heave ho” by their parents.
Legislators today began a special session to add an age limit to the law, which was originally meant to allow scared mothers a legal way to ditch newborns instead of doing something horrible to them.
A loophole in the statute has resulted in mostly teenagers being abandoned instead of the babies who wouldn´t even remember the traumatic experience, and the state´s Department of Health and Human Services — fearing a teenager-ditching free-for-all while they change the law — has implored parents to stick out the last few years with their teenagers, arguing that there´s always a chance of them becoming successful musicians and moving out of the basement.
SATURDAY NOV. 15
Hundreds of gay rights supporters gathered in front of Cincinnati City Hall today as part of a nationwide protest against California’s Proposition 8, which on Nov. 4 re-banned gay marriage. The protest, which numbered more than 200 gay supporters, was part of a nationwide demonstration called “Fight the H8,” which is against separate designations for same-sex couples who want to enter into legally recognized unions of love and devotion. The protest was reportedly met by another demonstration, called “PROP 8 IS GR8, WE CAN’T REL8,” which supported the gay marriage reban and included signs that said “Gay Marriage Is Gay” and “Jesus Would Never Touch a Dude.”
SUNDAY NOV. 16
A Vermont TV station reported today that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sent a letter last week to the president of BlueCross BlueShield Vermont, arguing that meat eaters should pay higher health insurance premiums because they’re the ones getting heart disease and diabetes from eating animal bodies. PETA, an angry liberal organization known for protesting department stores, interrupting fashion shows and throwing flour in the faces of celebrities who wear fur, said in the letter that it would be happy to help BlueCross BlueShield figure out other creative ways to reduce their coverage for stinky fat-ass meat-eaters or anyone who doesn’t like eating Tofurkey.
MONDAY NOV. 17
U.S. Rep-elect Steve Driehaus was in Washington D.C., today taking part in freshman orientation for his new gig in the House of Representatives. According to The Enquirer, Driehaus was one of 50 new lawmakers receiving advice this week on how to hire a staff, deal with the news media and get around the city without ending up in a bad part of town. Driehaus, who defeated seven-term Representative/Darth Vader stand-in Steve Chabot for Ohio’s 1st Congressional District seat, said he was a little overwhelmed after his first day and that the worst part of the orientation was when House Majority Leader Steney Hoyer made him run naked across the front lawn of the Capitol Building waving a rainbow flag.
TUESDAY NOV. 18
Americans might disagree whether liberals, socialists and Arabs are bad, but if there’s one group of humans we can all agree are threatening and no good, it’s pirates. The AP today reported that Somali pirates have hijacked their biggest and most lucrative ship yet — a cargo ship the size of an aircraft carrier with $100 million worth of oil onboard. The Saudi-owned ship was hundreds of miles off the Horn of Africa when it got jacked, which has caused Maritime security experts to worry about how costly it could become to patrol the many seas which America’s crude oil travels before reaching our gas stations.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org
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