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Another Seven Days of Melting Ice and Jelly Bean Votes

By Danny Cross · November 5th, 2008 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY OCT. 29
U.S. House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-West Chester) used an appearance at an Oxford bar and grill today to demonstrate his foul mouth and also a distaste for Barack Obama’s voting record. According to The Miami Student, a university paper that helps train future members of the liberal media, Boehner told an audience: “In Congress we have a red button, a green button and a yellow button, all right. Green means ‘yes,’ red means ‘no’ and yellow means you’re a chicken shit.” Boehner was reportedly talking about Obama’s record in the Illinois legislature of voting “present” rather than “yes” or “no” on controversial bills, but he never finished his thought because one of the locals challenged him to a game of cornhole and he had to defend his manhood.

THURSDAY OCT. 30
With the economy still reeling from recent bank failures and credit crunches, a couple of artists in New York City decided to show what it would look like if the economy were literally melting down. The AP today reported that two eclectic freethinkers named Nora Ligorano and Marshall Reese carved the word “Economy” into a giant block of ice and left it in lower Manhattan to melt, representing the stock market’s transition from beautiful, cold capital to sad, wet despair. The 1,500-pound sculpture, which was given a cumulative C- by a collection of New York City grade school art teachers, was expected to completely melt in about 24 hours thanks to greedy investors and incompetent legislators represented by the sun’s heat.

FRIDAY OCT. 31
Indian Hill resident Peter Frampton is getting super pissed at his neighbors for being inconsiderate Republican assholes stealing his Barack Obama yard signs.

The Enquirer reported today that the Grammy-winning artist called its editors and asked if they’d write a story about his signs being repeatedly stolen and his First Amendment rights treaded upon by people in his largely Republican neighborhood. To fight back, Frampton has installed a surveillance camera and vowed to donate money to the Obama campaign every time a sign is stolen or a car drives past his house with a Moeller sticker on the back.

SATURDAY NOV. 1
New research suggests that teenagers who watch a lot of sex on TV are twice as likely to go out, have sex and get each other pregnant, according to a study to be published in next month’s Pediatric magazine. HealthDay.com explained that the study doesn’t directly connect sexy shows to teen pregnancy but that even the mildest sexual TV relationships — like Ross and Rachel on Friends or Charlie Sheen and his brother on Two and a Half Men — can give a false impression that casual sex is safe and easy to find. Researchers suggested that in order to give teenagers a better perspective, network TV shows should consider writing episodes where the main characters get STDs or fight over the cost of abortions.

SUNDAY NOV. 2
Sarah Palin visited Clermont County again today, but instead of saying that living in Alaska counts as foreign policy experience or that Barack Obama is a terrorist, she made relevant analogies and pleaded for help at the polls on Tuesday. Speaking to a crowd of 7,000 at an Owensville horse track, Palin compared the McCain campaign to the Cincinnati Bengals football team, a gravely mismanaged organization that won its first game earlier in the day. While the comparison made the Republican ticket seem hopeless to many in attendance, the Obama campaign privately expressed concern over the 60,000 potentially undecided Ohioans who are willing to support that shit team every Sunday.

MONDAY NOV. 3
Hip Hop artists Mary J. Blige, Jay-Z and P-Diddy came to Xavier University today to speak as part of the Obama campaign’s “Countdown to Change” tour, and a Catholic organization immediately declared the event uncool and inappropriate. The president of the Cardinal Newman Society — an organization dedicated to furthering higher education with a Catholic twist — sharply criticized the Jesuit university for helping promote a pro-choice candidate. Xavier responded with an announcement on its Web site stating that the university wasn’t explicitly supporting the event or supporting the candidate and that it thought people would be more upset that it invited rappers to the campus.

TUESDAY NOV. 4
The Enquirer
continued its fearless coverage of All-Things-Election today, detailing how a local restaurant conducted its own informal presidential poll using jelly beans cast as votes by its patrons. The result of the Jelly Bean/Hyde Park Hitching Post Restaurant poll was 52.4 percentage points for Obama and 47.6 for McCain, a result similar to those found by more conventional polling methods. The restaurant’s owner said he expected the jelly bean poll to be accurate because his clientele is diverse and that the margin of error is plus or minus 30 beans because he snacked on a few during his breaks.


CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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