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Another Seven Days of Smokers and Teachers in Trouble

By Danny Cross · October 29th, 2008 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY OCT. 22
Vice presidential nominee/sassy maverick sidekick Sarah Palin last week unveiled numerous metaphorical characters who would benefit from a Republican administration. The AP reported today that during a rally in Grand Junction, Colo., Palin introduced “Tito the Builder,” “Phil the Bricklayer” and “Rose the Teacher” as three of the many hard-working cliches still in play for McCain Nov. 4. Palin reportedly ripped on Barack Obama’s tax plan and then dubbed him “Barack the Wealth Spender,” which prompted the Obama campaign to release a statement saying that “John the War Hero” and “Sarah the Female Candidate” are out of touch with “Pete the Young Person” and “Jane the Modern Woman.”

THURSDAY OCT. 23
Things are getting worse and worse for cigarette smokers these days. Already banned from puffing in public places and ridiculed for smelling stinky most of the day, smokers are now being discriminated against by employers. The Enquirer reported today that at least 10 local companies are refusing to hire smokers because of the higher health insurance premiums associated with covering people who knowingly ingest cancer-causing agents. All 10 local companies out of the 344 surveyed were in Ohio, as Kentucky smokers are a protected class just like minorities, women, elderly people and homosexuals.

FRIDAY OCT. 24
Political action committees in Ohio have been doing much more than crying like little B’s lately — they’ve also been spending money like some MFers. Campaign reports filed today show that Argosy Casino has spent $27 million since September trying to convince Ohioans that the potential developer of the state’s first casino isn’t going to pay any taxes and that gambling money is better spent in Indiana where it definitely gets taxed and helps Lawrenceburg children get good educations.

On the other side, MyOhioNow.com, which supports Ohioans’ gambling losses staying in-state, has spent $21 million arguing that the new casino’s 5,000 jobs are crucial to getting all of Ohio’s unemployed cocktail waitresses back to work.

SATURDAY OCT. 25
Celebrity culture was at its classiest over the weekend, with Guy Ritchie talking mass shit about his ex-wife Madonna and causing the couple to land on the cover of at least three trashy gossip mags, according to trashy gossip site/TV station E!. According to reports, Madonna allegedly used to slap and poke Ritchie when she got mad at him, and Ritchie allegedly called Madonna old and said that sex with her was like doing it to a piece of gristle. In response, Madonna’s attorneys were expected to argue that Ritchie was the cause of the couple’s bad WWE! endorses Palin sex because his private area also resembles gross parts of processed meat, like sheep intestines and mechanically separated chicken.

SUNDAY OCT. 26
Desperate times call for desperate measures. That’s why we at WWE! today endorsed Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin for president. At first, John McCain’s choice of a half-literate hockey mom as his running mate worried us, but then an annoying guy in bar told us that the Arizona Senator will die in April 2009. For this reason, we at WWE! are honored to be the first entity to ever endorse a woman for president. We believe that McCain — war hero, maverick, multiple-home-owner — will live just long enough for Palin to travel the world, study federal governmental practices and tone down her hunting techniques, preparing her to be America’s first female Commander in Chief for the rest of McCain’s term or until the Apocalypse occurs, whichever comes first.

MONDAY OCT. 27
Those of us who were often told my our high school teachers to “go sit in the hall” or “stop singing that rap song” were happy to read today’s Enquirer, which detailed the harsh punishment that Cincinnati Public Schools has been dealing out to accused teachers. Since 2005 CPS has sent any teacher accused of physically or verbally abusing a student to a science warehouse in Walnut Hills to sort equipment and be bored out of their minds. Due to the high cost of paying full-time teachers to do nothing and substitutes to teach their classes, CPS has hired a second investigator help get the accused back in the classroom quicker and has considered disregarding all future accusations of verbal abuse because students usually deserve it.

TUESDAY OCT. 28
Local talk show host/angry American Bill Cunningham has been pretty low key this election season, but it’s not because he’s been holed up in a bomb shelter awaiting the election of Barack Hussein Obama. The Enquirer reported today that Cunningham has indeed been leaving his home and has also been hosting his talk show often enough to endorse John McCain for president, even though he says McCain is “stupid,” “stubborn” and “incompetent.” Cunningham said that his reluctant support is in order to “get him to win despite himself, despite his stupidity.” McCain’s Ohio spokesman said that while Cunningham’s endorsement might have meant something in 2004 his candor today is about as classless as the stadium nachos served at his restaurants.


CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
11.01.2008 at 09:48 Reply
Our beautiful soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin is the best future leader for this nation, not Senator Barak Obama. Our beautiful soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin is also would be better at leading our nation in the future after a McCain Presidency than Senator Barak Obama would be in leading our nation in the future starting in January 2009. There are great reasons our soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin would be a better future leader than Senator Barak Obama. The greatest reason for our soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin's is ideology. Our soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin is conservative in that she is pro life, marriage, guns, low taxes, low government spending, small government, unintrosive government, traditional and judeo Christian values, Bible reading and prayer in our public schools, and military spending.She is also pro free and private enterprize. Senator Barak Obama is a liberal who is anti every thing that I have described that our soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin is pro about or for. A second reason that our soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin is superior is because of experience. As a governor she has two years of executive administrative governing experience that Senator Barak Obama does not have. A final reason that our soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin is superior is because of political accomplishments. When our soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin came to office she accomplished 3 major things which are as follows: she showed great leadership in the 3 following areas: government reform, the state budget and the economy, and wise use of natural resources. She reformed government by standing up to the big oil companies by breaking up the monopoly on power and resources. She insisted on competition and basic fairness which ended the control that the oil companies had on the state, and thereby returning control of the state back to the people. She also stood up to the special interest and lobbyist, and produced major ethics reform. She lead well in the state budget by generating a surplus which came about by vetoing a half billion dollars of wasteful spending, ending the abuses of earmark spending by congress, and by getting rid of the private jet, the chef, and the chuffer. Economically under her leadership she brought about the largest private-sector infrastructure project in North American history. She also suspended the state fuel tax, and when oil and gas prices went up dramatically, and filled up the state treasury, she sent a large share of that revenue back where it belonged - directly to the people of Alaska . On natural resources she has shown great leadership by beginning a nearly forty billion dollar natural gas pipeline to help lead America to energy independence. When the last section of the pipeline is laid and its valves are opened, will lead America one step farther away from dependence on dangerous foreign powers that do not have our interests at heart. Senator Barak Obama has done nothing, so please vote John McCain for President and give to our beautiful soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin the opportunity that she deserves leading the nation into the future after a John McCain presidency. When our soon to be Vice President does lead the nation as President after a John McCain presidency,she will be the greatest President that we have ever had. Finally she is smarter than Senator Barak Obama Thank You John Warren

 

11.17.2008 at 01:01 Reply
Sarah Palin isn't even smarter than me.

 

 
 
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