WEDNESDAY OCT. 22
Vice presidential nominee/sassy maverick sidekick Sarah Palin last week unveiled numerous metaphorical characters who would benefit from a Republican administration. The AP reported today that during a rally in Grand Junction, Colo., Palin introduced “Tito the Builder,” “Phil the Bricklayer” and “Rose the Teacher” as three of the many hard-working cliches still in play for McCain Nov. 4. Palin reportedly ripped on Barack Obama’s tax plan and then dubbed him “Barack the Wealth Spender,” which prompted the Obama campaign to release a statement saying that “John the War Hero” and “Sarah the Female Candidate” are out of touch with “Pete the Young Person” and “Jane the Modern Woman.”
THURSDAY OCT. 23
Things are getting worse and worse for cigarette smokers these days. Already banned from puffing in public places and ridiculed for smelling stinky most of the day, smokers are now being discriminated against by employers. The Enquirer reported today that at least 10 local companies are refusing to hire smokers because of the higher health insurance premiums associated with covering people who knowingly ingest cancer-causing agents. All 10 local companies out of the 344 surveyed were in Ohio, as Kentucky smokers are a protected class just like minorities, women, elderly people and
FRIDAY OCT. 24
Political action committees in Ohio have been doing much more than crying like little B’s lately — they’ve also been spending money like some MFers. Campaign reports filed today show that Argosy Casino has spent $27 million since September trying to convince Ohioans that the potential developer of the state’s first casino isn’t going to pay any taxes and that gambling money is better spent in Indiana where it definitely gets taxed and helps Lawrenceburg children get good educations.
On the other side, MyOhioNow.com, which supports Ohioans’ gambling losses staying in-state, has spent $21 million arguing that the new casino’s 5,000 jobs are crucial to getting all of Ohio’s unemployed cocktail waitresses back to work.
SATURDAY OCT. 25
Celebrity culture was at its classiest over the weekend, with Guy Ritchie talking mass shit about his ex-wife Madonna and causing the couple to land on the cover of at least three trashy gossip mags, according to trashy gossip site/TV station E!. According to reports, Madonna allegedly used to slap and poke Ritchie when she got mad at him, and Ritchie allegedly called Madonna old and said that sex with her was like doing it to a piece of gristle. In response, Madonna’s attorneys were expected to argue that Ritchie was the cause of the couple’s bad WWE! endorses Palin sex because his private area also resembles gross parts of processed meat, like sheep intestines and mechanically separated chicken.
SUNDAY OCT. 26
Desperate times call for desperate measures. That’s why we at WWE! today endorsed Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin for president. At first, John McCain’s choice of a half-literate hockey mom as his running mate worried us, but then an annoying guy in bar told us that the Arizona Senator will die in April 2009. For this reason, we at WWE! are honored to be the first entity to ever endorse a woman for president. We believe that McCain — war hero, maverick, multiple-home-owner — will live just long enough for Palin to travel the world, study federal governmental practices and tone down her hunting techniques, preparing her to be America’s first female Commander in Chief for the rest of McCain’s term or until the Apocalypse occurs, whichever comes first.
MONDAY OCT. 27
Those of us who were often told my our high school teachers to “go sit in the hall” or “stop singing that rap song” were happy to read today’s Enquirer, which detailed the harsh punishment that Cincinnati Public Schools has been dealing out to accused teachers. Since 2005 CPS has sent any teacher accused of physically or verbally abusing a student to a science warehouse in Walnut Hills to sort equipment and be bored out of their minds. Due to the high cost of paying full-time teachers to do nothing and substitutes to teach their classes, CPS has hired a second investigator help get the accused back in the classroom quicker and has considered disregarding all future accusations of verbal abuse because students usually deserve it.
TUESDAY OCT. 28
Local talk show host/angry American Bill Cunningham has been pretty low key this election season, but it’s not because he’s been holed up in a bomb shelter awaiting the election of Barack Hussein Obama. The Enquirer reported today that Cunningham has indeed been leaving his home and has also been hosting his talk show often enough to endorse John McCain for president, even though he says McCain is “stupid,” “stubborn” and “incompetent.” Cunningham said that his reluctant support is in order to “get him to win despite himself, despite his stupidity.” McCain’s Ohio spokesman said that while Cunningham’s endorsement might have meant something in 2004 his candor today is about as classless as the stadium nachos served at his restaurants.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org