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Another Seven Days of Alcoholic Disputes and Voter Resolutions

By Danny Cross · October 22nd, 2008 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY OCT. 15
John McCain today did his best to try to halt Barack Obama’s increasing momentum, arguing during the final presidential debate that the liberal senator will raise taxes, spread everyone’s money around and crush the hopes and dreams of successful plumbers and tradesmen in the heartland. Analysts were impressed by McCain’s feistiness and his use of a chair instead of shuffling around in the background of Obama’s speeches, but Obama was largely unaffected by McCain’s aggressive tone, which reportedly turned to anger during the part where Obama described his health care plan and McCain started writing “FUUUUUCK YOU BARACK!!!!” on his yellow notebook.

THURSDAY OCT. 16
Ohio has again earned national coverage for its inability to hold an election without serious legal complications after a federal appeals court early in the week voted 2-1 in favor of publicizing registered voters whose names don’t match those on government databases. The AP reported today that the Ohio Attorney General’s Office will appeal the ruling, which would allow Republicans to start a bunch of shit with more than 200,000 voters on Election Day and make lines longer and democracy less effective. Democratic Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner says the problem isn’t her partisan agenda but the fact that many government databases are inaccurate because humans typed all the names in and sometimes their fingers hit two keys at once and mess up the spelling.

FRIDAY OCT. 17
Vice Presidential candidate/hockey mom Sarah Palin visited one of the more Republican parts of the Tristate today, firing up a crowd of 15,000 in West Chester with her famous catch phrases and warnings.

The Enquirer reported that Palin even introduced new symbols of a secure and prosperous America, using “Joe the Plumber” and “ACORN” as talking points at a rally at the Square of Union Centre. One local man, who reportedly wore a button that read “Hottest VP, Coolest State,” said he particularly liked when Palin said “Drill, baby, drill” but that he almost pooped his pants when she shook his hand and winked at him.

SATURDAY OCT. 18
Those of us who sometimes spend time in the emergency room after a drunken dare goes awry can appreciate the clarity that only hindsight offers. But for every 10 of us who understand regret and self-hate, there are one or two people like Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell, who’s more like “Fuck it, brah. I’da done it anyway.” McConnell today told the editorial board of The Louisville Courier-Journal that he would have supported President Bush’s invasion of Iraq even if the administration didn’t trick him into thinking Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. McConnell did admit that he regretted how challenging it’s been to invade and reconstruct the volatile society but complimented “The Surge” as a successful war tactic and delicious lemon-lime soda.

SUNDAY OCT. 19
Former Secretary of State/Iraq Invasion Posterboy Gen. Colin Powell broke ties with his Republican buddies to endorse Barack Obama today. Powell told NBC´s Meet the Press that he thinks Obama is a transformational figure and that McCain´s choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate seems like a shenanigan more appropriate for the Senate floor than the White House. Obama told the AP he’s honored to have Powell´s endorsement and that his credentials merit a role in the Obama administration similar to Karl Rove´s under Bush, where he just gets to do whatever he wants.

MONDAY OCT. 20
Argosy Casino isn’t the only one crying like a little B because a state is about to pass legislation that cuts into its profits. The Kentucky Enquirer reported today that the Wine and Spirits Wholesalers of Kentucky are totally opposed to rule changes that would allow the selling of wine in regular food stores. The idea of selling wine in places other than liquor stores has been gaining steam lately, largely due to Kentucky’s budget problems and the growth of the state’s 50 wineries that would like to sell more of their wine. The organized opposition to current regulations, calling itself “The Food with Wine Coalition,” has recently earned praise for changing its campaign slogan from “Freedom Isn’t Free for Me” to the more playful “Wine Me, Dine Me, Try And Find Me.”

TUESDAY OCT. 21
Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader has been taking a lot of crap lately, but apparently being dropped by the Green Party, banned from numerous debates and ignored by the liberal media were only the beginning. The Seattle Times today reported that Clark County, Wash., misspelled Nader´s name on each of its 187 different ballot formats. Clark County Auditor Greg Kimsey insisted that the “Nadar” error wasn´t caused by the candidate´s perceived irrelevance and that he´d be happy to issue a correctional brochure with the remaining absentee ballots, which would include Nader´s campaign Web site address at www.myvotedoesntcount.org.

CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com

 
 
 
 

 

 
11.01.2008 at 09:55 Reply
Our beautiful soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin is the best future leader for this nation, not Senator Barak Obama. Our beautiful soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin is also would be better at leading our nation in the future after a McCain Presidency than Senator Barak Obama would be in leading our nation in the future starting in January 2009. There are great reasons our soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin would be a better future leader than Senator Barak Obama. The greatest reason for our soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin's is ideology. Our soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin is conservative in that she is pro life, marriage, guns, low taxes, low government spending, small government, unintrosive government, traditional and judeo Christian values, Bible reading and prayer in our public schools, and military spending.She is also pro free and private enterprize. Senator Barak Obama is a liberal who is anti every thing that I have described that our soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin is pro about or for. A second reason that our soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin is superior is because of experience. As a governor she has two years of executive administrative governing experience that Senator Barak Obama does not have. A final reason that our soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin is superior is because of political accomplishments. When our soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin came to office she accomplished 3 major things which are as follows: she showed great leadership in the 3 following areas: government reform, the state budget and the economy, and wise use of natural resources. She reformed government by standing up to the big oil companies by breaking up the monopoly on power and resources. She insisted on competition and basic fairness which ended the control that the oil companies had on the state, and thereby returning control of the state back to the people. She also stood up to the special interest and lobbyist, and produced major ethics reform. She lead well in the state budget by generating a surplus which came about by vetoing a half billion dollars of wasteful spending, ending the abuses of earmark spending by congress, and by getting rid of the private jet, the chef, and the chuffer. Economically under her leadership she brought about the largest private-sector infrastructure project in North American history. She also suspended the state fuel tax, and when oil and gas prices went up dramatically, and filled up the state treasury, she sent a large share of that revenue back where it belonged - directly to the people of Alaska . On natural resources she has shown great leadership by beginning a nearly forty billion dollar natural gas pipeline to help lead America to energy independence. When the last section of the pipeline is laid and its valves are opened, will lead America one step farther away from dependence on dangerous foreign powers that do not have our interests at heart. Senator Barak Obama has done nothing, so please vote John McCain for President and give to our beautiful soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin the opportunity that she deserves leading the nation into the future after a John McCain presidency. When our soon to be Vice President does lead the nation as President after a John McCain presidency,she will be the greatest President that we have ever had. Finally she is smarter than Senator Barak Obama Thank You John Warren

 

 
 
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