WEDNESDAY OCT. 15
John McCain today did his best to try to halt Barack Obama’s increasing momentum, arguing during the final presidential debate that the liberal senator will raise taxes, spread everyone’s money around and crush the hopes and dreams of successful plumbers and tradesmen in the heartland. Analysts were impressed by McCain’s feistiness and his use of a chair instead of shuffling around in the background of Obama’s speeches, but Obama was largely unaffected by McCain’s aggressive tone, which reportedly turned to anger during the part where Obama described his health care plan and McCain started writing “FUUUUUCK YOU BARACK!!!!” on his yellow notebook.
THURSDAY OCT. 16
Ohio has again earned national coverage for its inability to hold an election without serious legal complications after a federal appeals court early in the week voted 2-1 in favor of publicizing registered voters whose names don’t match those on government databases. The AP reported today that the Ohio Attorney General’s Office will appeal the ruling, which would allow Republicans to start a bunch of shit with more than 200,000 voters on Election Day and make lines longer and democracy less effective. Democratic Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner says the problem isn’t her partisan agenda but the fact that many government databases are inaccurate because humans typed all the names in and sometimes their fingers hit two keys at once and mess up the spelling.
FRIDAY OCT. 17
Vice Presidential candidate/hockey mom Sarah Palin visited one of the more Republican parts of the Tristate today, firing up a crowd of 15,000 in West Chester with her famous catch phrases and warnings.
The Enquirer reported that Palin even introduced new symbols of a secure and prosperous America, using “Joe the Plumber” and “ACORN” as talking points at a rally at the Square of Union Centre. One local man, who reportedly wore a button that read “Hottest VP, Coolest State,” said he particularly liked when Palin said “Drill, baby, drill” but that he almost pooped his pants when she shook his hand and winked at him.
SATURDAY OCT. 18
Those of us who sometimes spend time in the emergency room after a drunken dare goes awry can appreciate the clarity that only hindsight offers. But for every 10 of us who understand regret and self-hate, there are one or two people like Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell, who’s more like “Fuck it, brah. I’da done it anyway.” McConnell today told the editorial board of The Louisville Courier-Journal that he would have supported President Bush’s invasion of Iraq even if the administration didn’t trick him into thinking Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. McConnell did admit that he regretted how challenging it’s been to invade and reconstruct the volatile society but complimented “The Surge” as a successful war tactic and delicious lemon-lime soda.
SUNDAY OCT. 19
Former Secretary of State/Iraq Invasion Posterboy Gen. Colin Powell broke ties with his Republican buddies to endorse Barack Obama today. Powell told NBC´s Meet the Press that he thinks Obama is a transformational figure and that McCain´s choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate seems like a shenanigan more appropriate for the Senate floor than the White House. Obama told the AP he’s honored to have Powell´s endorsement and that his credentials merit a role in the Obama administration similar to Karl Rove´s under Bush, where he just gets to do whatever he wants.
MONDAY OCT. 20
Argosy Casino isn’t the only one crying like a little B because a state is about to pass legislation that cuts into its profits. The Kentucky Enquirer reported today that the Wine and Spirits Wholesalers of Kentucky are totally opposed to rule changes that would allow the selling of wine in regular food stores. The idea of selling wine in places other than liquor stores has been gaining steam lately, largely due to Kentucky’s budget problems and the growth of the state’s 50 wineries that would like to sell more of their wine. The organized opposition to current regulations, calling itself “The Food with Wine Coalition,” has recently earned praise for changing its campaign slogan from “Freedom Isn’t Free for Me” to the more playful “Wine Me, Dine Me, Try And Find Me.”
TUESDAY OCT. 21
Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader has been taking a lot of crap lately, but apparently being dropped by the Green Party, banned from numerous debates and ignored by the liberal media were only the beginning. The Seattle Times today reported that Clark County, Wash., misspelled Nader´s name on each of its 187 different ballot formats. Clark County Auditor Greg Kimsey insisted that the “Nadar” error wasn´t caused by the candidate´s perceived irrelevance and that he´d be happy to issue a correctional brochure with the remaining absentee ballots, which would include Nader´s campaign Web site address at www.myvotedoesntcount.org.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org