WEDNESDAY OCT. 1
Brenda Nesselroad-Slaby’s terrible parenting skills might have resulted in a child dying a slow and excruciating death this summer, but that didn’t stop her from accepting an invitation to kick it with a sympathetic talk show host. The Symmes Township woman’s taped appearance on Oprah aired today, leading many to wonder why she didn’t face criminal charges for remembering the doughnuts but forgetting her infant daughter for eight hours in a really hot car. After the taping, Nesselroad-Slaby was rumored to be interested in trying a “real Chicago deep dish pizza” and checking out the shopping scene on Michigan Avenue.
THURSDAY OCT. 2
Cincinnati Public Works employee Melvin Tompkins was arrested today after police found marijuana in the dumptruck he was driving. The Enquirer reported that Tompkins was in his orange work uniform when he was caught with the illegal drugs. Charges are expected to be dropped when prosecutors realize that they would probably be smoking as much weed as they damn well pleased if their job description was basically ferrying around tons of rotting food and used diapers 40 hours a week while being looked down upon.
FRIDAY OCT. 3
The owner of an East Price Hill nursing home was fined $5,000 today after police found flies, filth and feces on the property. The Terrace at Westside’s license was revoked, and all patients must be moved by Nov. 20. Authorities were reportedly tipped off by a concerned citizen who couldn’t figure out why there weren’t bags of Grippos and shell casings strewn about the property as well.
The owner reportedly avoided jail time by claiming that anyone put in his care must have been a bad parent, which is why the residents’ now-grown kids sent them there in the first place.
SATURDAY OCT. 4
Kentucky’s Finance Secretary Jonathan Miller killed two birds with one stone today, saying there is “no immediate crisis on the horizon” because the state is not in a “California-type situation.” Assessing the economic troubles challenging our country without dissing another state in the union apparently wasn’t feasible. While some wonder exactly what Miller meant by the California comparison, others were happy to know that he doesn’t care about the nationwide fiscal problems enough to let go of a perfect opportunity to lambast a state that isn’t the punchline of every redneck joke in the book. Miller was also reported to have said, “Now if UK beat USC in football that’d be some shit, wouldn’t it?”
SUNDAY OCT. 5
Rather than pose nude to show support for PETA like many celebrities have, Bengals running back Chris Perry has apparently chosen a more novel approach. Because footballs are made of leather, which results in the deaths of cute little piggies, Perry (for the fifth week in a row) today acted on his vow to drop said ball on the ground at least once per game to show his outrage over this great injustice. In order to garner the greatest possible amount of attention for PETA, Perry generally waits until the most crucial moment of the game to lose the ball. This self-sacrificing approach has earned PETA both acclaim and ridicule, to which Perry says, “I’m just trying to do my part. Until the NFL starts using NERF footballs, I’m going to drop it on the ground every chance I get.”
MONDAY OCT. 6
A suspicious package prompted the evacuation of Congressman/warmonger John Boehner’s office today, but it was eventually found to contain bacon and not the miscellaneous body parts of Iraqi civilians that Boehner had hoped to receive. Police believe that the bacon is symbolic of pork barrel projects, government waste and that sort of thing. While it gets the point across to a certain degree, we at WWE! are more interested in finding out who among us has enough disposable income to waste perfectly good animal tissue on political statements. Local wage slaves have besieged Boehner’s office with calls asking what they did with the bacon and if they’re expecting to receive any other foodstuffs in the future.
TUESDAY OCT. 7
The “Baffle Them With Bullshit ’08 Tour” got more airtime today, when Barack Obama and John McCain again debated who should be the next President of the United States. Even as many Americans wondered if eating cat food was their best personal economic plan, McCain did that God-awful forced smile and prefaced every remark with “what my opponent fails to understand.” When Obama pressed McCain about Charles Keating — the Cincinnati savings and loan fraudster who bankrolled McCain’s political career — McCain took the opportunity to again remind us that he was living with rats while our parents were eating mushrooms and listening to the Allman Brothers.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: firstname.lastname@example.org
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