WEDNESDAY SEPT. 24
John McCain heard about President Bush’s proposed $700 billion economic-help-out plan today and said, “Hold it! America needs help from a maverick! I’m going to Washington!” and then he postponed his presidential campaign. Obama said that was a crazy idea and that a real president would simply do numerous things at once like Bush currently is by leading the war in Iraq, managing the recession in America and making his Second Life avatar look like Barney the dog. Political analysts largely considered the fake campaign cancellation to be a political maneuver, as McCain and Obama had earlier in the day discussed releasing a joint statement but Obama tried to sign his name with “Big Money” in the middle and McCain got mad because he thought it was a joke about his wife.
THURSDAY SEPT. 25
In a rare TV interview today, vice presidential nominee/feisty hockey mom Sarah Palin defended her argument that Alaska´s proximity to Russia qualifies as foreign policy experience.
According to people who haven´t stopped watching the hilarious video since it appeared on the Internet, Palin told CBS´s Katie Couric that Alaska regularly trades with foreign countries since it borders one and that Vladimir Putin sometimes flies through her airspace. Democratic leaders were unimpressed with Palin´s Western European sightlines, with vice presidential nominee Joe Biden reportedly saying, “So what? In the winter she can fucking walk there.”
FRIDAY SEPT. 26
With things going badly on Wall Street and those psychos in Pakistan shooting bullets at American helicopters (you fuckers just wait ’til Bush gets finished with the bail out!), more bad news was reported today out of Somalia: pirates.
Maritime officials today received a ransom note that said $35 million on it for the release of a Ukrainian freight ship and all the tanks and grenades it was bringing to Kenya. Officials think they can get the pirates down to $5 million or less and say it’s widely been maritime custom to negotiate with pirates because they accept gold coins that are no longer used in circulation and they don’t have anywhere to spend them anyway.
SATURDAY SEPT. 27
Representatives for Argosy Casino started talking mass shit today about the proposed casino and resort that Ohioans will either approve or deny on Nov. 4. The Enquirer detailed Argosy’s opposition to the $600 million development — which is expected to employ 5,000 Ohioans and share millions in tax revenue with every county in the state — that centers around the massive amount of money Argosy stands to lose once Ohioans don’t have to drive to Lawrenceburg to enjoy the thrill of winning twice out of every five times they play a game. Argosy’s multi-million dollar investment against casino expansion has frustrated pro-casino groups, who say they only have opposition campaigns prepared for religious groups and traditional Native Americans.
SUNDAY SEPT. 28
Thousands of bare-assed sickos convened in the streets of San Francisco today in a leather-clad celebration of sexual enjoyment called the Folsom Street Fair. The San Francisco Chronicle documented the madness, describing ass-slapping, handcuffing and body piercing right there in the street and one booth specifically offering “free spankings for the religious right.” The event reportedly drew thousands of people to the 13-block area, many of whom wore clothes and just hung out because they thought it was an art demonstration against child abuse. The event drew scorn from the president of the St. Joseph’s Men’s Society, a local organization that sounds gay but isn’t, who said, “Public nudity, street orgies and other gross stuff should be banned or at least sanctioned. It is gross, and I’m not gay.”
MONDAY SEPT. 29
When City Councilman Jeff Berding received his invitation to the Cincinnati NAACP’s 53rd annual dinner scheduled for next month, he was like, “Yeah, that’s cool. I’ll pay $125 to go to that.” But when former city councilman and current Cincinnati NAACP President Christopher Smitherman received Berding’s RSVP, complete with the $125 it costs to be considered an upper-level supporter called a “Bell of Freedom,” Smitherman said, “Oh hell naw,” and sent him his money back. Smitherman also included with the refund a letter explaining that Berding’s support of the jail tax and cutting the health department’s budget disqualified him from being a “Bell of Freedom” but that he could still come to the event if he paid $75 for the title “Dean of Douchery.”
TUESDAY SEPT. 30
Newspapers across the country today printed photos of white dudes covering their faces in agony after the Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped 777 points on Monday. The Enquirer documented a trader named David O´Day´s reaction to the $1.2 trillion in value that the market lost, which was to cover his eye and nose with his left hand and slightly bow his head. The story then described Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson as “grimfaced” and said lawmakers´ latest idea is to raise the federal deposit insurance limit from $100,000 to $250,000 to help assure Americans that if this happens again the bank will still have most of their retirement money.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org