Like half the country, I’ll be attending an election party on Nov. 4. Since people are saying this is an “important election” (unlike previous elections, which might or might not have been important), it’s occurred to me that special food is in order to celebrate the occasion. The following are ideas that some irreverent and politically incorrect friends have forwarded to me. Well, I might have come up with a few, too.
No election party is complete without drinks. Here are a few specialties to make election night more festive: Sarah Palin Ale: A new Alaskan ale. Hoppy as a playboy bunny with a hint of bitterness, like a hunter at the close of deer season.
“Half-American” Bush Beer: This is Busch beer without the “c,” so we know it’s going to be special. Why? The waving patriotic flag on each bottle is unfortunately backwards and/or upside down. This is the type of beer you might find at TJ Maxx if they carried alcohol. For instructions on how/why to create Bush Beers for your guests, see Google: “Bush possibly drunk Olympics.”
Obama’s Pabst Blue Ribbon Ale: Obama has been seen in public drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon Ale, the beer hipsters often order because it looks “working class.” But Obama might be for real — after all, he “worked his way through college and Harvard Law.” Wow.
Arugula Bearing Price Tags: When it comes time to get down to eating, take a tray of arugula around to your guests and ask, “Anybody gone into Whole Foods lately and seen what they charge for arugula?” Laugh, as if they were Iowa farmers. Put the price tag next to it so none of your guests are embarrassed in case they’ve never been to Whole Foods and/or never seen arugula, or in case they’re just the types that would bomb on The Price Is Right.
Sloppy Joe Biden: In real life, Joe might always be impeccably dressed, but sometimes his tie is askew, particularly when he’s in a deep embrace with Obama, which happens a little abnormally often.
Salad with 7-House Dressing: Serve this so voters remember that McCain has seven houses, should they ever meet him and he needs to know. Bushes for Broccoli: A plate of raw broccoli with garlic dip in honor of George Bush Sr., who left us his legacy. If you’ll recall, Bush Sr. was excited when he took office and became president because he no longer had to “eat broccoli.” Go ahead, it’s election night; it’s time to eat the little bushes up.
Of course, one must have a dessert. To wrap up the night, you need only one reminder.
Baked Alaska for Republicans, No-Bake Alaska for Democrats: Given that temperatures in Alaska are rising one degree per decade and the period when tundra is frozen enough for drilling is dwindling, it’s surprising to learn that Palin still wants to drill for oil in her state’s own Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Therefore, consider serving Baked Alaska for this Republican candidate. Be sure to serve it with a mountain of chocolate sauce; that way your Republican guests won’t have to wait until after the election to witness the incredible specter of oil running across pristine wilderness.
CONTACT HEATHER SMITH: firstname.lastname@example.org