John McCain spoke to a Spanish radio station today, explaining how he became a war hero, spited fellow Republicans by supporting abortion rights and then ran for president by mocking and then using his opponents’ catch phrases. But then the radio host asked if, as president, he’d respect Spain’s prime minister enough to have him over for lunch, and McCain said he’s cool with everyone in the Southern hemisphere. The strange answer confused the radio host, who reminded him that they were talking about Spain and not a Latin American country, but McCain insisted that he knows world leaders and how hard it is to keep Spanish people from sneaking into America.
THURSDAY SEPT. 18
Those of us who appreciate the feeling of safety that comes with carrying a concealed handgun around in public were happy to hear today’s ruling by the Ohio Supreme Court, which determined that individual communities can’t tread on the state’s gun laws. The 4-3 ruling upheld a lower court that in 2004 said a Cleveland suburb’s ban on guns in public parks conflicted with the state’s confusing but very American concealed carry law. The decision was met with disappointment from an anti-violence organization called People United for a Safe Society In Everyday Situations (PUSSIES), which argued that parks are bad for weapons because people play basketball there and get in fights.
FRIDAY SEPT. 19
The government said today that it will soon start considering proposals to sell genetically-engineered animals for food, with the meats possibly on store shelves by 2011. According to the AP, a Boston-area company has already created some salmon without the help of God and that its vice chairman ate some of it and said it tasted good.
Consumer groups have expressed worry over the possibility that the FDA won’t label the scientifically-created meat as such, but the Center for Science in the Public Interest says there are reasonable steps the government can take to ensure that eating pigs with mouse genes in them is safe and healthy. It has yet to be determined with whom responsibility would lie if a pigmouse got loose and mated with a wild animal, but the FDA says it would expect the offspring to taste fine and cost very little.
SATURDAY SEPT. 20
President Bush today offered a $700 billion economic intervention plan, calling it a pretty big plan when we’re facing some pretty big problems. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke broke down the most sweeping government interference in the free market since the Great Depression using an easy-to-follow metaphor: Illiquid assets clog up the pipes of the lending industry, causing the drains of the Pigmouse? housing market to fill up with the muck of economic reality. Bernanke then reportedly made a joke about Bush standing in a cold shower and refusing to come out until Congress approved the proposal or his weiner got bigger.
SUNDAY SEPT. 21
After spending decades talking mass shit about rampant liberalism on college campuses, one conservative organization is putting its money where its mouth is — in the professors’ mouths. The New York Times today reported that an organization called the Manhattan Institute is funding certain right-leaning college programs in order to “work against the thrust of programs and courses in gender, race and class studies and postmodernism in general.” James Piereson, a senior fellow at the institute, says it will support courses that feature America’s accomplishments rather than its history of repression and exploitation and that he’s sick of liberal elitist East Coast schools teaching useless classes like “Nonviolent Responses to Terrorism” and “Marketing Anti-Capitalist Art.”
MONDAY SEPT. 22
Developers of the long-awaited Banks Project said today that everything is on time, under budget and that they might go ahead and drastically change how the neighborhood functions since the economy is so bad and all. The Enquirer reported that project managers for the Banks — a planned mixed-use neighborhood where people who like the smell of new buildings can live alongside people who like the looks of old ones — say they want to build a hotel between the sports stadiums instead of condos because the condo market is dry. The Chamber of Commerce reportedly expressed concern over how many hotels are needed in downtown Cincinnati, but developers insist that plenty of people from Mason will be occasionally willing to stay downtown and pretend they live in a big city.
TUESDAY SEPT. 23
Vice presidential candidate/loving mother Sarah Palin met her first foreign head of state today, but all the AP could report was the fact that the McCain-Palin campaign banned reporters from the meeting. Journalists reportedly protested the ban, saying things like, “Come on, Sarah! We wanna watch!” but it was to no avail, as only photographers and TV crews were allowed in and only for 30 seconds to shoot Palin smiling at Afghan President Hamid Karzai. The CNN TV crew — a veteran group with considerable experience videotaping meetings with foreign leaders — left the scene in protest and said they didn’t give a shit if Wolf Blitzer got mad about it.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: email@example.com
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