Another seven days of strong wind and weak coverage.
WEDNESDAY SEPT. 10
Another battle of semantics reared its easily-manipulated head today, as John McCain accused Barack Obama of calling his cute new running mate a pig. The AP reported that the drama ensued after Obama used the metaphor “lipstick on a pig” to describe some of McCain’s stupid ideas, and when McCain heard about it he said, “Dude, you can’t say that about my running mate. You are sexist!” Obama immediately called the out rage phony and then mocked McCain, saying that technically Sarah Palin would be the lipstick and McCain the pig if he were to literally interpret the metaphor and that this hypothetical creature could never fix the country’s economic problems because it would be ugly as shit.
THURSDAY SEPT. 11
The Cincinnati Enquirer today posted an interesting question on its super-slow Web site: “Where were you on 9/11?” Many people answered the question, which referred to the terrorist attacks that shocked and scared the nation, and responses ranged from “I was in my high school class and my teacher told us and it was sad” to “I was on my way to work listening to WEBN and the Dawn Patrol stopped making sexist jokes so I turned it off.” The immense response prompted Enquirer executives to plan future discussion questions as part of the 2009 business plan, tentatively titled “Get Your News Yourself,” which will ask people to describe in detail how their parents told them they were getting divorced and where they were the first time they thought God might not be real.
FRIDAY SEPT. 12
American singer and Ford truck lover Toby Keith visited the Tristate today to perform his Country music songs and make everyone feel like a winner for being American.
The Enquirer sent a reporter to document the not-so-diverse event, with pyrotechnics, confetti and American pride reported to be present in high doses. Keith reportedly sang a song about how F’d up Willie Nelson’s weed once got him, then told the crowd that he’s not political anymore and then played a song called “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (the Angry American),” where he threatens to put his boot up a terrorist’s ass. He also previewed material from his next album, to be titled Fuck Me? Fuck You!, which includes the singles, “My Truck’s Got a Flat and My Girl Got Fat” and “Saddam Hussein Stole My Wallet.”
SATURDAY SEPT. 13
A majority of Cincinnati’s Section 8 housing applicants have settled into neighborhoods west of Vine Street, prompting many West Siders to go to public meetings and say, “What the shit, man? Those poor people done lowered my value!” The Enquirer reported today that the Not-so-angry American Housing Authority says property values are too high in some neighborhoods — like Mount Lookout, Hyde Park and Madeira — for people to afford rental prices even after a $500 discount.
Police officers in Colerain, who were asked whether or not the poors are committing more crimes than the middle class kids, say the problem is mostly just perception and that renters are often unfairly stigmatized for paying for satellite TV service instead of donating to the high school’s athletic booster fund.
SUNDAY SEPT. 14
We at WWE! know that if we go into Jason Gargano’s work area anything goes — hugging, pointing, jabbing and other semi-inappropriate forms of touching can be commonplace. That’s why we were happy to read today’s Enquirer editorial titled, “Touchy-feely colleagues need to back off.” The story describes a little-known social disorder called PSIS — Personal Space Invasion Syndrome — set off by the invasion of one’s personal area by unmarried coworkers who watch too many movies. Symptoms of PSIS (including nervousness, anxiety and social awkwardness) can be alleviated by strictly defining the “Personal Zone,” “Private Zone” and “Public Zone” and by avoiding all offers to share “several beers” at Over-the-Rhine loft apartments.
MONDAY SEPT. 15
Parents and guardians in Nebraska are taking advantage of a new law meant to keep babies safe, only they’re using it to keep teenagers out of their faces. KETV 7 in Omaha today reported that a woman dropped her unruly nephew off at a local hospital per guidelines in the recently-passed Safe Haven law, which allows people to abandon kids without repercussions as long as they ditch them at a hospital. Lawmakers say they meant the conditions to apply to babies and small kids who were going to be left at home alone and that the hospital doesn’t want 15-year olds around any more than their parents do.
TUESDAY SEPT. 16
Local news radio station 700 WLW apologized to Cincinnati today for its total shit coverage of the windstorm that left more than 600,000 people without power on Sunday. The station, popular for broadcasting conservative rhetoric and sports contests over 50,000 watts, chose to cover the Cincinnati Reds baseball game with only minimal interruption for storm updates.
Station Programmer Darryl Parks said the combination of Reds and Bengals games distracted network executives from making quick decisions and that he didn’t think anyone could listen to the radio without electricity anyway.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org